This was the first play I ever wrote (with the help of a friend). It's come along ways from what it first was. I actually got to direct it on a night of one-acts.

Let me know what you think!


Kevin- Anne’s boyfriend, gives off a gay flare.
Anne- Seen to be the perfect one in the group.
Kelly- Similar looking to Stacy, in her own way, perfect.
Stacy- Similar looking to Kelly, in her own way, perfect.
Katie- All around stupid, but stupid she’s, in a way, smart.
Convict- Physical, misunderstood, not too smart, a lesbian “tomboy”; orange jumpsuit. A little older than Anne.
(Anne’s) Mom- Creepy yet caring, feels like she always needs to be closer to Anne. Young for a parent.

Stage- (This play is built for a specific stage) Far stage left, will be the park bench for the first scene and church pews will be moved in after that. Stage center will be the dress shop, with a stand and dress dummies; then Anne’s apartment; and lastly the church. Stage right will only be used in the second scene as the coffee shop.

Props- Coffee shop paraphernalia, church & wedding paraphernalia, dress shop paraphernalia, a couch, park bench, gun, crutches, chair, and end table.


Scene- Kevin and Anne are walking to a park bench on a nice day when Kevin is about to propose.

(Lights go up on Kevin and Anne, stage left)

Anne: (sigh) Kevin, isn't this a beautiful day? Everything is just perfect

Kevin: Oh, hey and look, here's a penny. I guess your right, as usual. (Chuckles, goes down on one knee) Anne, it's like this, we're like Siamese twins, and we don't want mom and dad to cut us apart. Cause we'd die without each other... (Caught up in subject, ad lib.)

Anne: Oh my gosh, Kevin! Does this mean...

Kevin: Yes, Anne, will you marry me?

(Lights down. Set on stage left is changed to church pews. Lights up stage right.)


Scene- Coffee shop, Anne getting drinks with her friends.

(Lights go up on Stacy, Katie, and Kelly, sitting at a table, with Anne just entering.)

Stacy: So, Anne, what did you call us all here for?

Anne: Oh, nothing special, ya know, just wanted to see you guys and... (Stretches waving ring in front of the girls.)

Katie: Did he? He finally popped the question?

Stacy: Oh, that's so wonderful! So, when is the wedding?

Katie: How did he propose?

Kelly: Have you told your mother yet?

Katie: Isn't he gay?

Stacy: Who are the bridesmaids?

Anne: Whoa whoa, that's exactly why I called you all here. I wanted to tell you guys that I want you to be my bridesmaids.

Kelly: And the maid of honor? Who will that be?

Anne: That's the problem, I don't know yet, I want to choose one of you, but I haven't decided who. I consider all three of you to be my best friends, so I'll need some time to think this over.

Kelly: Why are we here? This is boring.

Anne: Well you're off the list.

(Nervous laughter from all – being cut off by Anne.)

Anne: But seriously, I'd hate for our relationships to be torn up over this decision, so if it's too much stress...

Katie: No, no, nothing could damage our friendships, you can count on that.

Stacy: Well, to celebrate, drinks are on me!

(Stacy walks to center stage to get the drinks, she gets the poison confused with Alka-Seltzer, puts the Alka-Seltzer in the girls drinks, and gives the poison to the Elderly Woman, while the girls at the table do quiet banter.)

Elderly Woman: Excuse me, Ma’am, you wouldn't happen to have any Alka-Seltzer would you?

Stacy: Oh, yeah, here you go.

(Stacy walks back to the table.)

Stacy: Here you go the usual.

Katie: Aw, thanks, that's really sweet of you.

Stacy: Oh, no problem at all.

Kelly: There's something wrong with this, is water supposed to fizz?

Stacy: Oh, that's special water... for a special occasion just for you two, to prove I have no competitive feelings toward either of you.

Katie: Oh, ok.

Stacy: Well then, cheers to our best friend, and bride to be.

(All drink but Stacy who stares at Katie and Kelly, watching them drink. Beat.)

Stacy: So, how are you guys today?

Katie: Well, I feel just great!

Kelly: What's in this?

Stacy: Heh heh, I couldn't tell you.

(Elderly woman falls down.)

Kelly: Look at that woman!

(All look.)

Stacy: We should really get out of here, that's the third time this week; things are really going down hill here.

(Mom enters as Anne is leaving.)

Mom: Oh, what a coincidence seeing you here!

Anne: Mom, what are you doing here?

Mom: What, can't a mother stalk... I mean talk to her own daughter?... So, I hear you're getting married.

Anne: How did you find out? I never even told you I was going out with Kevin.

Mom: Oh, I have my ways; remember that centerpiece I gave you for Christmas last year? Well I put a small video camera in it so I could check up on you.

Anne: A video camera?! Couldn't you just call?

Mom: I do, but you never answer the when I call.

Anne: Well... I'm just never home when you call.

Mom: Yes you are I've seen you ignore the phone and even give it the finger every now and then.

Anne: Isn't that illegal?!?

Mom: No, I checked with your father, he said it's perfectly legal. So, Kevin Hanson... I hate him.

Anne: This is exactly why I don't tell you things. You obsess over everything I do.

Mom: Anne, this Kevin character is bad news. He's a tramp, always has been and always will be. I could tell right when I met him. So, you father and I had a talk, and we think you should join a convent.

Anne: There is no way you're going to screw up my engagement with that.

Mom: At least go see a nun then. Get some advice on your marriage.

Anne: Only if you promise to take all of your cameras out of my house.

Mom: All of the cameras?

Anne: ALL of the cameras.

Mom: (Reluctantly) Fine, but if you don’t go talk to this nun, (hands Anne a card. In a spooky voice) the consequences will be dire…

(Lights down stage right.)

Scene– Trying on bridesmaids dresses.

(Lights up stage center.)

Kelly: So, how do I look?

Katie: Oh, that color looks great on you!

Stacy: Yeah, and it really accents your hips.

Kelly: Are you saying I'm fat?

Stacy: Well, not directly.

Kelly: Well, at least I'm not flat.

(Anne goes on stage in wedding dress.)

Anne: Isn't this a nice dress?

Katie: Lovely, the best.

Stacy: Yeah, and look at the great dress Kelly has on.

Anne: Oh, I'm glad to see you guys are all getting along so well. I was worried at first, but you guys are handling this really well. Well I'm going to try another dress on.

(Anne exits. Kelly starts strangling Stacy, but stops when Anne re-enters.)

Anne: Silly me, I forgot a shoe out here.

(Kelly pretends to be brushing Stacy's shoulders off, fixing her hair. Anne exits. )

Stacy: That's it. This means war.

Kelly: That's just fine

Stacy: Fine.

Kelly: Katie and I don't need you anyways.

Katie: What? Oh no, I'm not taking sides. You're on your own.

Kelly: Fine.

Stacy: Fine.

Katie: Fine.

(Anne enters.)

Anne: I have to go; I'll meet you at the bridal shower later.

All: Ok, bye, Anne!

(Lights down stage center.)

Scene- Bridal Shower.

(The dress stand is moved off and a couch, chair, and end table moved on. Lights up stage center. Kelly, obviously dressed up as Stacy but Anne can’t tell. Kelly k nocks on Anne's door.)

Anne: Oh, Stacy what are you doing here so early?

Kelly (as Stacy): (Nonchalantly) I just stopped by to tell you that I hate you, Kevin's a prick, I think you're ugly, and I don't want to be your maid of honor. I think you should make Kelly the maid of honor. She would appreciate it much more than I would.

Anne: Stacy, what's gotten into you? I thought we were friends?

Kelly (as Stacy): Uh, I don't know and the next time you talk to me I won't remember this. I have to leave.

(Anne slams the door starting to cry. Katie and Stacy enter and knock on door.)

Anne: Hi, Katie, come on in, and oh, Stacy. What do you want now? Anything else you want to say to my face?

Stacy: What are you talking about?

Anne: Wait, I suppose you wouldn't remember telling me off, would you? Just leave, ok?

Stacy: Wouldn't remember what?

Anne: To think you have the nerve to show your face at my doorstep after what you just told me.

Stacy: (Understands what’s going on) Oh.... I think I understand... (imitates ringing of her cell phone) Hello? Oh hi Kelly. What's that? You're coming late? Oh that's fine. Yeah, it's too bad I've got to leave right now, but I'm sure Anne will be glad to see you. Bye. Look Anne whatever I said I didn't mean it. I'll be back later.

Anne: Yeah, whatever.

(Slams door; Kelly as Stacy knocks on door.)

Kelly (as Stacy): One more thing I forgot to tell you. You're stupid!

(Stacy dressed up like Kelly enters.)

Stacy: (as Kelly): Oh, hi Anne! How are you? Don't waste your breath, I don't care. Geesh, your hair looks greasy today.

Anne: Kelly! (trying not to cry) Why are you treating me like this?

Katie: Wha? My head hurts.

Stacy: (as Kelly): Oh, hi Kelly, I didn't realize you were here already. Those are really cute shoes, great taste like always.

Kelly (as Stacy): Thanks Stacy, you're so sweet, unlike me, I'm a really bad person. I don't know why anyone would want me to be their maid of honor.

Stacy: (as Kelly): Oh, Kelly, you're just saying that. You're so funny like that. I wish I could be more like you.

Kelly (as Stacy): No you don't. I have a bad temper, I'm a jerk, and I have bad breath.

Katie: My name est Katie.

All: Shut up Katie.

Katie: Sorry.

Kelly (as Stacy): Oh, I almost forgot, I brought a gift for you... A thoughtless, boring gift form K-Mart. It's slim-fast. I figured you'd need it. And here's a razor to get rid of that hideous mustache.

Stacy: (as Kelly): Yeah, well, I got you something too.

Anne: This is heavy.

Stacy: (as Kelly): Just open it.

Anne: Oh, thanks... what is it?

Stacy: (as Kelly): I really couldn't tell you, I picked it out of your neighbors trash can a minute ago.

Katie: I think it's a bomb.

Kelly (as Stacy): Katie, you're so stupid. Just stop talking

Anne: I think it's ticking...

(Silence, followed by chaos, and throwing the bomb back and forth... All of the sudden, a Jehovah's Witness opens the door.)

JW: Have you found God?

Stacy: (as Kelly): No, but I found this for you.

(Door slams and the JW walks off stage. An explosion is heard offstage...silence....)

Anne: Get out of my house! Now! I never want to see any of you again!

Stacy: (as Kelly): What?! Does that mean...

Anne: Yes! Don't even bother showing up at the wedding!

(Katie comes behind Anne and covers her mouth with a cloth, Anne passes out.)

Kelly (as Stacy): Katie! What have you done?!?

Katie: Chloroform.

Stacy: (as Kelly): How could you...

Katie: When she wakes up, tell her none of this happened.

(All shrug nonchalantly and leave. Lights down stage center.)


Scene- The practice wedding.

(Furniture is moved off wedding and church paraphernalia is moved on. Lights up stage center.)

Anne: Thanks for coming, guys. You know, I had the weirdest dream last night

(Girls give worried look to each other)

Anne: God gave me a bomb... I think... and then...

Reverend: Uh yeah, let's get this wedding practice started. The bridesmaids need to go to the back and the bride-groom as well. And who did you decide to be your maid of honor?

(All freeze and stare at Anne.)

Convict: (bursts in) FREEZE! This is a hold up! If any of you move I'll shoot! Put your hands on the floor... I got the fuzz out there but don't worry I locked all the doors. So you and I are going to spend some quality time together.

Anne: What are you doing? My wedding's tomorrow, you're going to ruin everything!

Convict: Shut up sweetheart, you wanna die?

Anne: Kevin why aren't you doing anything?

(Kevin stands up, convict points gun at him and Kevin promptly goes back down.)

Convict: You must be Anne, you're coming with me tutz. (Looks back) If anybody’s gone when I get back, the broad gets it.

(Convict drags Anne to stage left; as they walk, lights down stage center and up stage left.)

Anne: Wait a minute, how do you know my name?

Convict: Let me give you a hint, me and Sister Margaret go way back on the chain gang.

Anne: (Confused) A nun? (thinking… realizes) Mom. (Says it how Seinfeld says Newman).

Convict: You're makin' me mad. If you screw this up for me, I'm goin back to the big house, and then if I get out, I'll track you down and cut you up into little pieces in your sleep.

Anne: Ouch. Soooo.... what'd you go in for?... And how do you know my mom?

Convict: I got in for cutting someone up in to little pieces in their sleep. No, I'm just joking with you... I wrote a bad check. And your mom was my cellmate for a month.

Anne: Oddly enough, that makes sense; I remember mom saying she had to go on vacation for a month after that small bank was almost robbed…

Convict: Yeah, connect the dots, babe.

Anne: This is making too much sense. But what’s your problem, why do you need to hold us up with a gun? I doubt you sentence is very long.

Convict: Oh, you'd think so, but that was my third strike... it's a life sentence unless I get out for good behavior. I just... I wasn't thinking. I screw up everything I do. This needs to come to and end right now.

(Convict shoots Anne, who screams and falls to the floor, the convict then shoots herself and falls to the floor... long pause.... the bride gets up and surveys where she was shot, convict sits up.)

Convict: I can't even buy the right bullets.

Anne: Look, I think your problem is that you have a low self-esteem. If you just realize what a wonderful person you are deep down, your life would be so much easier.

Convict: Really? You know I never thought of it that way. Wow, you're such an inspiration to me and I can see where you get it from.

Anne: This has been quite an experience.

(Both walk back to the others.)

Kevin: What was that? I heard some shots go off, Anne are you hurt?

Anne: (Takes gun) Oh yeah, everything is fine, see; the gun just has blanks in it.

(Shoots Kevin but with a real bullet, he screams high-pitched.)

Katie: See, I told you he was gay.

Stacy: Oh shut up, it's just a blank.

Convict: Yeah, honestly, we’re in a theatre.

(Everyone looks surprised, looks around, and slowly realizes it and accepts it.)

Reverend: Real bullets, fake bullets, that's all fine, but what we'd all like to know is who the maid of honor is... Anne?

Anne: I think I've made up my mind.

(Lights down stage center.)

Scene- The actual wedding.

(Lights up stage center. Reverend is back-center stage. People sit on both sides of the aisle. Kevin limps up to the reverend. The bridesmaids (Stacy, Kelly, & Katie) walk through with sullen looks on their faces. Bridesmaids take their places. Best Man takes his place. Convict walks in with police escort and pushes Kevin out of her way, taking his place at the top; Anne walks in.)

Reverend: Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the presence of God and this company to join Anne Haugen and Convict Number 05302004 in the holy bonds of matrimony. Marriage is an institution ordained of God when man's estate was that of innocence and supreme happiness. God prepared...

Convict: Hurry it up Gramps; I've got a court hearing in twenty minutes.

Reverend: Fine then, just say “I do” and kiss (or embrace depending on the audience).

Convict: I do.

Anne: I do.

(They kiss (/embrace), everyone crowds the aisle, Anne throws the bouquet and Kevin catches it and starts screaming and jumping, Katie nudges Stacy and Kelly to point out what Kevin is doing. Anne jumps in the Convict’s arms and they start down the aisle. Lights down.)