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525 words (1 Viewer)

yft

Senior Member
I must admit that rather than demonic voices chanting mantras in my head or shifty cherubs whispering sweet temptation in my ears, it was silence that convinced me, like a reaffirming tap-tap on the shoulder as I survey the twisted wreck of my car, that I had done the right thing. It was when I grew sick of the nonsense fished out by the red needle in the stereo one night (starlet such-and-such scandalized by affair with so-and-so) that I flicked it off and found the gentle hiss of the road to be so liberating. The hum of my rubbers, the rushing asphalt underneath my feet, were a welcome reprieve after living a lifetime drowned in white noise.

You see, I’ve always been a generally silent man, courtesy of a soulmate who fell in love with the sound of her own voice. When she announced our marriage to the dinner table, to which the guests rapped on the wooden longtable with a furious tap-tap over clamoring glasses — friends of convenience, distant relatives with not a drop of my blood in their veins — I had said nothing. When she shrieked and howled over my long-dead romances and shattered glass and china over illusions of affairs, I held my tongue. I found my respite in the silence within my little metal box and submerged in the gentle hiss of the familiar forest road, but if one were to learn anything from the Greek myths, it’s that a woman would inevitably open that box and unleash the most terrible fate. As all fortune-tellers are, the oracles were at the same time right and wrong.

She did eventually lay her eyes on my car, driven by mindless jealousy of the nights I spent cruising alone to nurse my eardrums, no doubt, and demanded I take her on a romantic getaway in an inconvertible across an imaginary riviera to make up for the two days of chaos she called a honeymoon that was spent tearing apart my luggage in search of a nonexistent bottle of perfume given to me by a phantom mistress. I said nothing. The only noise I made when her back was turned was the tap-tap of my wrench on the front right wheel bolts. She seized the passenger seat and the red needle of the stereo, but on the left side I had the entire car in my hands and the knowledge of every crack and corner of this dark forest road that had burned into my memory after all these years of nightly intimacies, including the great oak tree teetering on the tip of a sharp curve just ahead. I slammed my foot down like thunder. She opened her mouth. I heard only a gentle hiss.

With a limp, I stand before the crushed remnant of my beautiful little box and watch the moon shimmer on the surface of a dark pool, seeping out under shattered glass. I lick the blood on my forehead and a breeze from deep within the woods cools my wounds and whistles in my earlobes. A chirp from a cricket, a tap-tap from a woodpecker, and then silence.

#

Looking for feedback especially in regards to prose, style, diction and the like. I usually write short and snappy sentences so I'm trying out something new.
Thanks for reading!
 
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starsofclay

Senior Member
I like it 😊 10/10 would murder someone this way 🤣

The first sentence reads a bit complicated in my opinion... I think it may be due to 'that I did the right thing' seems out of place. I see the stylistic choice but you've already complicated the sentence with the talk about demons and cherubs. For me it reads better if you do either

... it was silence that convinced me that I had done the right thing, like a reaffirming tap-tap on the shoulder as I survey(ed?) the twisted wreck of my car.

Or,

... it was silence that convinced me-- like a reaffirming tap-tap on the shoulder as I survey(ed?) the twisted wreck of my car--that I had done the right thing.

The dashes allow me to read a blatantly inserted thought without slowing reading pace.

I'm also not sure if the sudden transition back in time works here in the first paragraph. Is there another way to bridge the first and second sentences? it's a rather jarring jump.

I don't think this part is necessary, and slows things down - -
(starlet such-and-such scandalized by affair with so-and-so)

I notice the tap-taps in each paragraph, that's interesting 😊
 
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yft

Senior Member
I like it 😊 10/10 would murder someone this way 🤣

The first sentence reads a bit complicated in my opinion... I think it may be due to 'that I did the right thing' seems out of place. I see the stylistic choice but you've already complicated the sentence with the talk about demons and cherubs. For me it reads better if you do either

... it was silence that convinced me that I had done the right thing, like a reaffirming tap-tap on the shoulder as I survey(ed?) the twisted wreck of my car.

Or,

... it was silence that convinced me-- like a reaffirming tap-tap on the shoulder as I survey(ed?) the twisted wreck of my car--that I had done the right thing.

The dashes allow me to read a blatantly inserted thought without slowing reading pace.

I'm also not sure if the sudden transition back in time works here in the first paragraph. Is there another way to bridge the first and second sentences? it's a rather jarring jump.

I don't think this part is necessary, and slows things down - -
(starlet such-and-such scandalized by affair with so-and-so)

I notice the tap-taps in each paragraph, that's interesting 😊
Thanks for your thoughts, especially for pointing out the jump. I'll keep them in mind.
 
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