Here's another from the mind of me


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  1. #1

    Here's another from the mind of me

    Here's another short script that I conjured up - Please reply tell me what you think about it, it's actually what I want to do for a career sometime...

    __________________________________________________ ____________

    “BREAKFAST ON THE GO”
    By Tom Thompson

    INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

    Two pop tarts are dropped into the toaster and the handle is pushed down by a woman’s fingers that are painted red. The toaster’s heat which is located below in a diagram with three different shades of black and has white letters in each of the rectangles ranging from one to ten. Bobby’s father is reading the morning news paper at the kitchen table while Bobby’s mother is making Bobby’s lunch.

    INT. BOBBY’S ROOM - MORNING

    Door is closed by Bobby leaving his bed room in a rush, slamming the door as he closes it and the middle baseball cap of three hanging on a rack on the door falls off the rack then to the ground.

    INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

    Bobby’s father is still sitting at kitchen table and Bobby’s mother is finishing Bobby’s lunch. Pop tarts pop out of the toaster with legs coming out the bottom of the pop tarts and they run off the counter and out the dog entrance on the door. Bobby’s father who is reading the news paper looks over the newspaper as the Bobby’s mother turns around to see the dog door flap swinging back and forth. Bobby comes down and notices the dog flap swinging and asks his mother something as he comes to a stop next to the table.

    BOBBY
    Where’s breakfast mom?
    Bobby’s mother looks over at Bobby.

    BOBBY”S MOTHER
    It’s on the go!
    Bobby waste’s no time running to the door and opening it but before he can step out Bobby’s mother yells.

    BOBBY’S MOTHER
    Wait! You forgot your lunch.
    Bobby grabs the brown paper bag from his mother’s outstretched arm and Bobby heads out the door slamming it as he closes it, the dog flap swings back and forth again.

    EXT. SIDEWALK – MORNING

    The white fence door is slightly cracked open enough for the two pop tarts to come through one at a time racing down the sidewalk away from Bobby’s house. Bobby comes running out and looks toward the running pop tarts and takes off leaving the fence to swing in and out once. The pop tarts turn left at the end of the block and Bobby fallows.

    EXT. STORE ENTRANCE – MORNING

    The pop tarts run towards two me carrying a large skinny rectangular box that says; handle with care glass on a red sticker on the flat side surface. The pop tarts split on either side of the two men walking down the sidewalk. Bobby is closing in on the pop tarts when suddenly the two men come to the door of the store that they are delivering the glass window to. The men turn the large rectangular glass window long ways covering the sidewalk, Bobby has no time to react so he jumps forward putting his hands out straight making himself a missile through the box. The men look at Bobby who jumps up to his feet and begins running again away from the two men waving their fists towards to pop tarts who are now crossing the road between the crosswalks to the park on the other side of the road. Bobby gets to the crosswalk and steps down onto the road only to jump back due to heavy traffic going both ways. The traffic signal turns red and the electronic walk symbol turns white. Bobby takes off running.

    EXT. PARK WALKWAY – MORNING

    The pop tart on the right jumps up on to a bench, then over a trash can that is sitting next to the bench, and lands next to the other pop tart who is still running full speed. Bobby is waiting at the other end of the park smiling as the pop tarts run toward him. Bobby leans down closer to the ground with his arms outstretched. The pop tarts run to different hands and Bobby stands up with the two pop tarts grasped softly in his palm.

    EXT.SCHOOL ENTRANCE – MORNING

    Bobby runs up to Eric holding a cereal bar leaning up against the wall of the school eating, Eric bites his cereal bar.

    ERIC
    What took you so long dude?
    BOBBY
    I was running behind and had to catch breakfast.
    ERIC
    Should have grabbed a cereal bar!
    Eric takes another bite of the cereal bar and stands straight up off the wall and joins Bobby who starts to walk up the stairs to the school, Bobby’s brown lunch bag breaks.

    END
    What if I did like to write about dragons? I don't have an obsession!

  2. #2
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    hehe, this is cute. perhaps a little cliche because of the men carrying the box and the chase scene, but it had its own original quirks to it. i very much enjoyed bobby's lunch bag breaking. thanks for posting it.
    "Words have no power to impress the mind with the exquisite horror of their reality." -Edgar Allan Poe
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  3. #3
    Member mammamaia's Avatar
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    ls...
    you have some interesting, quirky ideas for shorts, but if you really want to be a screenwriter someday, you need to learn the basics of how to format and write a script... if you'd like help, you can email me for a format guide and notes on what needs correcting...

    love and hugs, maia
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  4. #4
    Quote Originally Posted by mammamaia
    you need to learn the basics of how to format and write a script...
    That format is one that I learned from script writing. I know it's not traditional that anyone from "hollywood" or whever would except but it is formatted to the script writers handbook.
    What if I did like to write about dragons? I don't have an obsession!

  5. #5
    Member mammamaia's Avatar
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    sorry about that... i was mainly referring to your centering the dialog, which is just not done anywhere, but that i realize may just have been due to not being able to maintain the margins in a post here...

    as for the 'write' part of my comment, that's in reference to the verboten 'too much black' in your action elements... and the style in which it's written... clarity and sparity are the hallmarks of good screenwriting... should be no 'ing' endings, and as little detail as possible, with all written simply, not in novel fashion as much of this is...

    here's an example:

    The pop tart on the right jumps up on to a bench, then over a trash can that is sitting next to the bench, and lands next to the other pop tart who is still running full speed. Bobby is waiting at the other end of the park smiling as the pop tarts run toward him. Bobby leans down closer to the ground with his arms outstretched. The pop tarts run to different hands and Bobby stands up with the two pop tarts grasped softly in his palm.
    ...a seasoned screenwriter would write that more like this:

    Pop tart on the right jumps onto a bench, over a trash can next to it, lands next to the other pop tart. They run full speed toward the end of the park, where Bobby waits, with a big smile.

    Bobby leans down with his hands open and close to the ground. A pop tart runs to each hand and Bobby stands up with the tarts in his upturned palms.
    ...see the difference?
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  6. #6
    Mama - I understand now what you meant and you are right when you say that the margins can't be messed with on this forum so I guess they have to stay like that as the best they can be. Thanks for pointing out about my actions being too much black, my professors said that it's one of my problems that I am always writing too much in the action of my scripts, that is an old one and I have been working on making more like your example. Maybe when I have writers block I will go back and update that script/scripts to take away some of the bs that I add to the action and just put action. I guess it's just the writer side of me, I have only been writing scripts for a short time, but have been writing shorts and more of just writing stuff which is why sometimes I get so descriptive, kind of how I'm blabbering right now....
    What if I did like to write about dragons? I don't have an obsession!

  7. #7
    Member mammamaia's Avatar
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    yup!... not to worry... blabbering in scripts is a common problem of newbies, so you have lots of company... let me know if you need any help... you can always email me for in-depth nagging...

    hugs, maia
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