Kinda Heavy Play - Feedback Welcome


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Thread: Kinda Heavy Play - Feedback Welcome

  1. #1
    TrishaLyn
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    Lightbulb Kinda Heavy Play - Feedback Welcome

    This is just 10 min format... any feedback is welcome. Thanks!

    Animal

    MELANIE, a 33 year old woman
    CARL, a 37 year old man

    (Setting: a blank space. There are no windows, no doors, just an empty stage. The only items in this space are a wooden chair, a five-gallon bucket of water, a phone on the floor in the background, CARL and MELANIE. She is a petit woman, wearing a new power suit. CARL is dressed in dirty coveralls with grease spots on them. There is a patch on his shirt with his name embroidered onto it. CARL is tied to the chair, passed out. MELANIE paces behind the chair nervously.)

    MELANIE
    (Quietly to herself.) You can do this, Melaniehe deserves itno one will miss himyou wont miss him, Mel youre better off without himthink of Jackthink of Myrathink of them

    (MELANIE stops pacing. She closes her eyes and walks over to the chair. She lifts the bucket with strain and dumps the cold water all over CARL, shocking him out of it.)

    CARL
    Who, what? What the hell? Where am I? (Looks around.) Melanie, oh thank God youre here, untie me!

    MELANIE
    Why, Carl?

    CARL
    (Puzzled.) Why? What do you mean, why? The last thing I remember is being hit over the head on my way to the car after work. Someone kidnapped me and I dont know how I got here or where here isor how you got here but youre my damn wife, Mel, untie me!

    MELANIE
    No.

    CARL
    NO? You better untie me right now! (CARL makes an extra effort to escape, but to no avail.)

    MELANIE
    So you can beat me again?

    CARL
    (Sighs.) Baby, I said Im sorry for that. I promised it will never happen again, and it wont.

    MELANIE
    Youve said that a thousand times. (In a mocking tone) Ill never do it again, Im so sorry Mel, maybe if you listened to me the first time I wouldnt have to hit you.

    CARL
    Mel

    MELANIE
    No Carl, dont you Mel me! (Pause.) How did Jack get those bruises on his arms?

    CARL
    Hes an active kid, Melanie. How am I supposed to know? Why dont you ask his teacher?

    MELANIE
    I didnt have to. He said you got mad at him for leaving his toys on the floor. He said you yelled and hit his arms with your belt because he wasnt picking them up fast enough.

    CARL
    Hes lying. He didnt learn to lie from me. Hes got an active imagination. (MELANIE closes her eyes and shakes her head.) Damn it Melanie, are you going to believe a five year old or me, your husband?

    MELANIE
    I believe my son. I taught him to always tell the truth.

    CARL
    Whatever Mel, Im tired of playing this stupid game. Now untie me.

    MELANIE
    Heres my problem, Carl. If I let you go, I cant give you what you deserve.

    CARL
    What the hell are you talking about?

    MELANIE
    (Pause.) You have some things to explain.

    CARL
    I dont need to explain anything to you.

    MELANIE
    Yes you do. Thats the only way Ill untie you.

    CARL
    Fine. What?

    MELANIE
    Okaywhat did you do to Myra? I want to hear it from you.
    CARL
    What are you talking about?

    MELANIE
    You know what I mean.

    CARL
    No, Melanie, I dont, now what are you talking about?

    MELANIE
    When I was doing the laundry last week, I found dried blood in Myras panties. Got an explanation for me?

    CARL
    What? Maybe she started her period or something, I dont know about girly things like that.

    MELANIE
    Carl, shes seven! Seven year olds dont have periods! Please just tell me what you did to her.

    CARL
    Baby, I never touched her. Now untie me.

    MELANIE
    You have the nerve to sit there and lie to my face?

    CARL
    Melanie, I swear I never touched Myra like that!

    MELANIE
    She said you did. She gave you up, Carl. I asked her about her panties and she said she fell from a tree. When I told her that you couldnt get hurt that way from a tree, she told me that she wasnt supposed to tell me how she got hurt. Not only did you rape her, but you also told her to lie!

    CARL
    I did not rape Myra. I didnt touch her; shes my daughter too. Maybe you havent been paying enough attention to the rednecks hanging around her school!

    MELANIE
    I cant believe youd try to blame this on me. I pay very close attention to MY daughter on the playground, and the only time I ever leave her alone other than school is when I leave her with you.

    CARL
    Theres no proof. Myra is a liar, just like JackGoddamn Mel you raised to little liars who tell lies about their own dad!

    MELANIE
    (Choking back tears) She said she screamed and cried for help, Carl!
    CARL
    If she screamed then where were you to save her?

    MELANIE
    The supermarket. The video store. All those measly fucking errands you love sending me on. And with Jack in the house, what the fuck is wrong with you?

    CARL
    Im telling you Mel, theres no proof I touched her. She is lying!

    MELANIE
    Doctors dont lie! I took her to the pediatrician and he said that she might not be able to have children now! You ravaged our daughtera seven-year-old girl! What, wasnt forcing me to have sex with you enough?

    CARL
    I didnt touch her! Melanie, it must have been one of the guys from work. During a barbecue or something. I swear to you, as soon as you untie me I will hunt that fucker down and kill him for what he did to her.

    MELANIE
    No, I think Ill kill him first.

    (MELANIE pulls out a gun from her coat pocket. She crosses to CARL and hold the gun pressed against the side of his head.)

    CARL
    (Gritting his teeth.) You cant do it, Melanie. Youre nothing without me. Im your whole world!

    MELANIE
    (Taps the gun to his head.) Try me, Carl. Our world ended when you laid a hand on my children. Beating the hell out of me, holding me down so you can fuck methats one thing. I can at least try to defend myself, they cant!

    CARL
    You have no friendsall your family is in Californiayou cant live without me, Melanie; you have no one to take care of you!

    MELANIE
    Who ever said I needed you to take care of me? Just because I was stupid enough to believe that you were going to love me forever, and that you were the man of my dreams doesnt mean I need you to live. Yes, when you said wed have a better life in ass fuck nowhere Arkansas, I followed you here. Then, two children later you trap me here. Beat me, cheat on me, treat me like shit and fill my head with lies about how much you love me. You never loved me; all you really needed was a maid and a blow up doll.

    CARL
    Mel-


    MELANIE
    And nowyou hit Jack and you molest Myrayou are a horrible man. You are not even a man! Youre a disgusting animal!!

    (There is a long pause. MELANIE stands, gun against CARLS head. He hangs his head down, and they sit silent for a few beats.)

    CARL
    (Calmly) Justput the gun down and untie me, Melanie. We can get all this sorted out later. You have to believe me that I didnt touch Myra. Jack, yes, I did hit him. I was wrong. Please, I will NEVER do it again, and I will find out who did that to Myra if its the last thing I do.

    (MELANIE pauses to look at him for a moment.)

    CARL
    I said do it now Melanie! Come on, move your ass! (MELANIE stands watching him for a minute.)

    MELANIE
    (Shaking her head.) You think I believe your lies?

    CARL
    What?

    MELANIE
    Youre a filthy monster, Carl. My children and me have rights!

    CARL
    Theyll arrest you Melanie. You cant get away with this!

    MELANIE
    Yes I can, Carl. Your friend JoeI told him what you did. He said hed kill you himself. I told him not to. I want to kill you. Did you hear me, Carl? I WANT to kill you. And I will.

    CARL
    Son of a bitch. Look Mel, if you kill me, theyll arrest you and take away Jack and Myrathen what good will your miserable life be?

    MELANIE
    Joe knows how Ill never get caught. Its easy because no one will miss you. No one.

    CARL
    People will come looking for me, Melanie! You cant do this!

    MELANIE
    Oh no? Its a believable storyyou ran away with another womanyou were just gone one morningtomorrow morning. Everyone will believe meyour boss, your friends, other guys in mechanic shopno one will know. No one will suspect.


    CARL
    Theyll find my body, Mel!

    MELANIE
    No, not when Joe is through. There wont be any of you left to find.

    CARL
    You know you cant do it. I love you Melanie, I really do. Please, if you dont believe me, just kill me.

    MELANIE
    What?

    CARL
    I couldnt bear to live if you left me, Mel. So, if you just cant believe that I didnt touch Myra and that I can never change. Just shoot me.

    MELANIE
    Maybe you didnt touch her. How can you change?

    CARL
    Im not sure. I can go to meetings, get help somehow. I dont want to lose this life. I love you. Wewe can even move back out to California with the kids if you want.

    MELANIE
    Really?

    CARL
    Sure. It will be easier for me to get help there. Please Mel, untie me and we can start over.

    MELANIE
    Okay. Im sorry I tied you up.

    (MELANIE moves over to the chair. She starts to untie the knot. Once the ropes are half off, CARL rushes from the chair, pinning MELANIE onto the floor. As they struggle for control of the gun, the lights fade to black. Sounds of the fight are still heard and then, a gunshot. We hear a person get up from under the body. A touch-tone telephone is heard dialing. From offstage, we hear a voice)

    MELANIE
    Joe? Good, its you. (Pause) Yes, I did it. No, please come now. And, can you do me a favor? Bring me a change of clothes, things just got a bit messy.

    (End.)

  2. #2
    Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    North Bay, ON
    Posts
    17
    I didn't mind it that much. I think it would be very interesting to see. One thing I did notice is that you used peoples names too much when they were speaking but besides that it's alright.
    Green tea, what's that? Mr.T's irish brother?
    -Krusty The Clown

  3. #3
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Location
    Dahlonega, Georgia
    Posts
    9
    First off, that was very good. At first I thought it would read as corny as a Lifetime screenplay, but it was very real. One thing though, towards the middle Melanie cusses a little bit too much. In the begginning I had a picture of her in my head of being this scared, frightened young woman, who is really good at heart. Is that where you were going with her? Maybe that would work a little better. It is still all right for her to cuss, just maybe not so much. All in all though I thought it was very interesting. Good job.

  4. #4
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Birmingham England
    Posts
    11
    wow dude ithought that was very well written, ithought you handled a difficult subject sensitively but creatively well. I thought itw was good. My only complaint is the ending. Though it was good because she does shoot him and maybe u dont expext that so much. When she pulls out that gun, you know its gotta end somehow. You know hes gonna beg her for forgivenss and say he loves her. I wondered maybe if there was an interesting ending you could do thats very different and not been done before like...........................hmmmmm.......it was agood ending....... Idont know what to suggest now. maybe she should should stage it as sucide, force him to drink bleach or something. oh idunno. or, maybe she should have achange of heart and actually believe him. oh but idont know what you could do then, though it would allow the stroy to carry on unless you had some other ideas for direction?? hmm... if ihave any ideas to sggest iwil tell you them, ihope that is helpful anyhoo. Excellent.
    Lots of luv cecilia xxx
    I believe in constructive criticism....so LAY IT IN TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. #5
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Birmingham England
    Posts
    11
    uh huh, deep thinker dude think you have agood point, perhaps she should retain some of that fear, be uncontroollable, scared, terrified, stumble over her words, he could still be aggresive and have an upper hand trying to control her whilst shes in floods of tears scared stiff.hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.................. ..

    ceilaxxx
    I believe in constructive criticism....so LAY IT IN TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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