Who would have believed it


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Thread: Who would have believed it

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2020
    Location
    Knottingley West Yorkshire
    Posts
    69

    Who would have believed it

    True life experiences can be hard to recollect.
    Especially those involving life or death.
    This journey I'm taking you on occured over
    twenty- five years ago


    It all started just after Christmas
    I thought I'd got flu,
    but something told me
    it's probably worse than that.


    For a month I slowly went downhill.
    No doctors or Hospital could figure me out.
    Oh you smoke and you are over-weight
    as if that was the answer to my plight.


    We tried getting a doctor late one night,
    no, I'm not coming, give him paracetemol
    he'll be alright.


    Well I wasn't alright.
    The pain I was in and my stomach swollen.
    bringing up blood.
    We tried another doctor.
    This one came out on Sunday evening,
    looked straight at the drink
    leftover from Christmas.


    He looked at me and said
    "Do you want to go to Hospital"
    no of course not, but the pain
    is so bad, I'd be better off.


    So in to Hospital seven painkilling
    injections later.
    I'm still pacing the ward.


    Monday morning I get put on a ward.
    This part was scary it was next
    to the morgue.


    After much deliberation they decided
    to take me for an emergency operation.
    I don't know if anyone's had morphine.
    I was waving my parents and dear wife off,
    with an I'm alright now, go on I'm fine.


    Four hours later I'm in what
    was known as I.C.U.
    On life support and tubes
    out of every orifice.


    My wife by my side holding my hand
    as I awoke from my deep sleep.
    I slapped her wrist, I nodded and pointed
    down at my belly, and gave a thumbs up
    telling I'll be alreight.


    Now here I am all those years later
    writing songs and trying
    to write poetry.


    Thanks for reading this flashback
    of my life.
    Before I go I'd better tell you
    what was wrong.
    Just a small matter of
    gangrene on my bowel.

  2. #2
    these are very personalized poems, if that's the desired effect fine, if however you want to broaden them out then some 'poetic" decisions can be made - eg delete last S and call the piece gangrene bowel.

  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by knottla View Post
    True life experiences can be hard to recollect.
    Especially those involving life or death.
    This journey I'm taking you on occured over
    twenty- five years ago


    It all started just after Christmas
    I thought I'd got flu,
    but something told me
    it's probably worse than that.


    For a month I slowly went downhill.
    No doctors or Hospital could figure me out.
    Oh you smoke and you are over-weight
    as if that was the answer to my plight.


    We tried getting a doctor late one night,
    no, I'm not coming, give him paracetemol
    he'll be alright.


    Well I wasn't alright.
    The pain I was in and my stomach swollen.
    bringing up blood.
    We tried another doctor.
    This one came out on Sunday evening,
    looked straight at the drink
    leftover from Christmas.


    He looked at me and said
    "Do you want to go to Hospital"
    no of course not, but the pain
    is so bad, I'd be better off.


    So in to Hospital seven painkilling
    injections later.
    I'm still pacing the ward.


    Monday morning I get put on a ward.
    This part was scary it was next
    to the morgue.


    After much deliberation they decided
    to take me for an emergency operation.
    I don't know if anyone's had morphine.
    I was waving my parents and dear wife off,
    with an I'm alright now, go on I'm fine.


    Four hours later I'm in what
    was known as I.C.U.
    On life support and tubes
    out of every orifice.


    My wife by my side holding my hand
    as I awoke from my deep sleep.
    I slapped her wrist, I nodded and pointed
    down at my belly, and gave a thumbs up
    telling I'll be alreight.


    Now here I am all those years later
    writing songs and trying
    to write poetry.


    Thanks for reading this flashback
    of my life.
    Before I go I'd better tell you
    what was wrong.
    Just a small matter of
    gangrene on my bowel.
    I just loved reading it.

    Ritu

  4. #4
    This seems more like linear prose than an actual poem...Perfectly fuctional, but very beige in terms of language. Vignettes might be a better fit as far as formatting goes. (Akin to the spare prose of Lewis and Hemingway). The vertical aspect and bare bones explanations struggle to find cohesion from a reader's standpoint.

    Poetry as a format predisposes its readers to certain, (probably unrealistic) expectations of language. e.g. Tyrian purple with its authentic stink of fish and homemade tie dye produced using food colouring stolen from the kitchen cabinet. The stink of fish being the emotions, the physical reactions. Surgery is never comfortable, easy, and tidy...(It is easy encapsulate it in a clinical sense because of the setting, completely negating the human aspect, which is what readers empathise with.) The induced haze of the painkillers alone, anywho...There is a third person (character A) dissociation going on from the narrator's standpoint, which does not reconcile with the first person perspective (I). It is a struggle to find the middle ground.

    Taking format into consideration:

    True life experiences can be hard to recollect, especially those involving life or death. This journey I'm taking you on occured over
    twenty- five years ago...(Your opening line, with a few seconds of reformatting...Please consider looking into paragraphs.)

    The story is solid, just not in the falling down linear format of a poem. Put your words in a basic essay format and it changes the entire presentation, cueing the reader into what to expect.

    - D.
    Last edited by Darkkin; March 5th, 2021 at 03:41 PM.


  5. #5
    Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2020
    Location
    Knottingley West Yorkshire
    Posts
    69
    Thank you Darkkin for your constructive analysis. I'm learning more about styles and how poetry should read and perspective. Thanks for reading

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