Winter's First Fall

[happy-hippie]

Revision

Whispered kisses fall from the heavens
A gentle awakening
Offering blessings of light
All is blanketed in newness
White crystal pathways
Made clear

Frosted drops
Melt on cheeks
Red from cold and pulsating hearts
Flurries of butterflies
Flutter in bellies
We lay on the ground and play with angels

Rain falls
Brightness dims
We put on Galoshes and stomp through gray slush
Angels lose
Their wings
Invisible layers
Of Black ice
Coat familiar paths
Bellies churn
One false step
And we slip

Into the darkness

Original

Whispered kisses fall from the heavens
A gentle awakening
Offering blessings of light
Everything is blanketed in newness
And white crystal pathways
Are made clear

Frosted drops
Melt on cheeks
Red from cold and pulsating hearts
Flurries of butterflies
Flutter in bellies
As we lay on the ground
Playing with angels

Rain falls
Brightness dims
So we put on Galoshes
As we stomp through gray slush
Angels lose
Their wings
Invisible layers
Of Black ice
Coat familiar paths
Bellies churn
One false step
And we slip

Into the darkness

[dannyboy]

good poem, some thoughts

Whispered kisses fall from the heavens
A gentle awakening
Offering blessings of light
Everything is blanketed in newness (here all instead of everything - too many ing sounds for my liking).
And white crystal pathways (drop and and are?)
Are made clear

Frosted drops
Melt on cheeks
Red from cold and pulsating hearts
Flurries of butterflies
Flutter in bellies
As we lay on the ground (drop as and maybe play with angels?)
Playing with angels

Rain falls
Brightness dims
So we put on Galoshes (drop So we and as we?)
As we stomp through gray slush
Angels lose
Their wings
Invisible layers
Of Black ice
Coat familiar paths
Bellies churn
One false step
And we slip

Into the darkness

[happy-hippie]

[QUOTE=dannyboy;2335436]good poem, some thoughts[/QUOTE

Thanks so much Danny. Much appreciated.
I made the changes. I think you were trying to get rid of unneccessary words?
I changed the line breaks with the revisions (in stanzas 2 and 3) because it seems to read better that way. Is it any better?

[ritudimrinautiyal]

Beautiful imagery. Whispered kisses of first snow fall. Slowly moving from rejoicing moments to fear, nervousness for the presence of invisible black ice, which may make lives slip into darkness of death, the chasm.

Nice poem

Keep writing.

Ritu

[happy-hippie]

Beautiful imagery. Whispered kisses of first snow fall. Slowly moving from rejoicing moments to fear, nervousness for the presence of invisible black ice, which may make lives slip into darkness of death, the chasm.

Nice poem

Keep writing.

Ritu

I did not see the life-death element in this piece. Very insightful. Now I see more in the piece than I saw before. Thank you, Ritu. Glad you enjoyed.

[happy-hippie]

good poem, some thoughts

Ahhh- I responded to you earlier but this thing didn't quote properly...so just in case you missed it, I repeated what I wrote above.

Thanks so much Danny. Much appreciated.
I made the changes. I think you were trying to get rid of unneccessary words?
I changed the line breaks with the revisions (in stanzas 2 and 3) because it seems to read better that way. Is it any better?

[dannyboy]

to me it reads much better,

its not just about less words but that helps,
its also sounds and how certain words work better - eg play with angels sounds different than playing with angels the "ay" of play carries across the with into the "a" of angels - playing puts 2 sounds between, the ing sound and with.
also time - play with angels is free from just the now, it carries the idea of desire to play with angels, playing with angels is only in the now, there is no desire (or choice) only an action.
Hope that helps (and just my thoughts, others may totally disagree).

[stuub27]

This is my first critique, so nothing outstanding to say.

But I really like this poem. Both the original and the revised- but yes, the revised is an improvement.
Imagery and diction are excellent. We don't get snow where I live, but I can almost feel the cold...

Anyway, eager to read more!

[happy-hippie]

This is my first critique, so nothing outstanding to say.

But I really like this poem. Both the original and the revised- but yes, the revised is an improvement.
Imagery and diction are excellent. We don't get snow where I live, but I can almost feel the cold...

Anyway, eager to read more!

stuub27, thank you for reading. I'm glad you liked the poem and I appreciate your feedback. Hope to read you around too.