Winter's First Fall


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Thread: Winter's First Fall

  1. #1

    Winter's First Fall

    Revision

    Whispered kisses fall from the heavens
    A gentle awakening
    Offering blessings of light
    All is blanketed in newness
    White crystal pathways
    Made clear

    Frosted drops
    Melt on cheeks
    Red from cold and pulsating hearts
    Flurries of butterflies
    Flutter in bellies
    We lay on the ground and play with angels

    Rain falls
    Brightness dims
    We put on Galoshes and stomp through gray slush
    Angels lose
    Their wings
    Invisible layers
    Of Black ice
    Coat familiar paths
    Bellies churn
    One false step
    And we slip

    Into the darkness

    Original

    Whispered kisses fall from the heavens
    A gentle awakening
    Offering blessings of light
    Everything is blanketed in newness
    And white crystal pathways
    Are made clear

    Frosted drops
    Melt on cheeks
    Red from cold and pulsating hearts
    Flurries of butterflies
    Flutter in bellies
    As we lay on the ground
    Playing with angels

    Rain falls
    Brightness dims
    So we put on Galoshes
    As we stomp through gray slush
    Angels lose
    Their wings
    Invisible layers
    Of Black ice
    Coat familiar paths
    Bellies churn
    One false step
    And we slip

    Into the darkness
    Last edited by happy-hippie; March 4th, 2021 at 04:34 PM.

  2. #2
    good poem, some thoughts

    Quote Originally Posted by happy-hippie View Post
    Whispered kisses fall from the heavens
    A gentle awakening
    Offering blessings of light
    Everything is blanketed in newness (here all instead of everything - too many ing sounds for my liking).
    And white crystal pathways (drop and and are?)
    Are made clear

    Frosted drops
    Melt on cheeks
    Red from cold and pulsating hearts
    Flurries of butterflies
    Flutter in bellies
    As we lay on the ground (drop as and maybe play with angels?)
    Playing with angels

    Rain falls
    Brightness dims
    So we put on Galoshes (drop So we and as we?)
    As we stomp through gray slush
    Angels lose
    Their wings
    Invisible layers
    Of Black ice
    Coat familiar paths
    Bellies churn
    One false step
    And we slip

    Into the darkness

  3. #3
    [QUOTE=dannyboy;2335436]good poem, some thoughts[/QUOTE

    Thanks so much Danny. Much appreciated.
    I made the changes. I think you were trying to get rid of unneccessary words?
    I changed the line breaks with the revisions (in stanzas 2 and 3) because it seems to read better that way. Is it any better?
    Last edited by happy-hippie; March 4th, 2021 at 05:02 PM.

  4. #4
    Beautiful imagery. Whispered kisses of first snow fall. Slowly moving from rejoicing moments to fear, nervousness for the presence of invisible black ice, which may make lives slip into darkness of death, the chasm.

    Nice poem

    Keep writing.

    Ritu

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by ritudimrinautiyal View Post
    Beautiful imagery. Whispered kisses of first snow fall. Slowly moving from rejoicing moments to fear, nervousness for the presence of invisible black ice, which may make lives slip into darkness of death, the chasm.

    Nice poem

    Keep writing.

    Ritu
    I did not see the life-death element in this piece. Very insightful. Now I see more in the piece than I saw before. Thank you, Ritu. Glad you enjoyed.

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by dannyboy View Post
    good poem, some thoughts
    Ahhh- I responded to you earlier but this thing didn't quote properly...so just in case you missed it, I repeated what I wrote above.

    Thanks so much Danny. Much appreciated.
    I made the changes. I think you were trying to get rid of unneccessary words?
    I changed the line breaks with the revisions (in stanzas 2 and 3) because it seems to read better that way. Is it any better?

  7. #7
    to me it reads much better,

    its not just about less words but that helps,
    its also sounds and how certain words work better - eg play with angels sounds different than playing with angels the "ay" of play carries across the with into the "a" of angels - playing puts 2 sounds between, the ing sound and with.
    also time - play with angels is free from just the now, it carries the idea of desire to play with angels, playing with angels is only in the now, there is no desire (or choice) only an action.
    Hope that helps (and just my thoughts, others may totally disagree).

  8. #8
    This is my first critique, so nothing outstanding to say.

    But I really like this poem. Both the original and the revised- but yes, the revised is an improvement.
    Imagery and diction are excellent. We don't get snow where I live, but I can almost feel the cold...

    Anyway, eager to read more!

  9. #9
    Quote Originally Posted by stuub27 View Post
    This is my first critique, so nothing outstanding to say.

    But I really like this poem. Both the original and the revised- but yes, the revised is an improvement.
    Imagery and diction are excellent. We don't get snow where I live, but I can almost feel the cold...

    Anyway, eager to read more!
    stuub27, thank you for reading. I'm glad you liked the poem and I appreciate your feedback. Hope to read you around too.
    Last edited by happy-hippie; March 11th, 2021 at 05:33 AM.

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