Does "he replied in a bothered tone" work here?


Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 13

Thread: Does "he replied in a bothered tone" work here?

  1. #1

    Does "he replied in a bothered tone" work here?

    Does his response make sense? I want the reader to know he's annoyed by her.

    “It’s ever so nice to see you again, dear.” she went on, now face to face with the man. “I understand you’ve been rather ill lately, it
    has been a worry of mine, are you better now?”


    “Yes, yes” replied Lord Farley in a bothered tone.

  2. #2
    Quote Originally Posted by jake_foster View Post
    Does his response make sense? I want the reader to know he's annoyed by her.

    “It’s ever so nice to see you again, dear.” she went on, now face to face with the man. “I understand you’ve been rather ill lately, it
    has been a worry of mine, are you better now?”


    “Yes, yes” replied Lord Farley in a bothered tone.
    it works fine, yeah. Is there a reason you thought 'bothered' wasn't the right word?
    Craft / Draft / Graft And Write To Entertain.

  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by TheMightyAz View Post
    it works fine, yeah. Is there a reason you thought 'bothered' wasn't the right word?
    Sometimes I'll write something and it just won't seem right to me. I do have a habit of overthinking things though.

  4. #4
    Quote Originally Posted by jake_foster View Post
    Sometimes I'll write something and it just won't seem right to me. I do have a habit of overthinking things though.
    I'm assuming you're writing a period piece? Perhaps these are well to do people? I could be wrong there but your style suggests that.
    Craft / Draft / Graft And Write To Entertain.

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by TheMightyAz View Post
    I'm assuming you're writing a period piece? Perhaps these are well to do people? I could be wrong there but your style suggests that.
    To be honest I don't know what I'd call it. This part of the story does take place in aristocratic society back in the late 1800's so I'm trying my best to write how I envision they would talk back then... and with that type of status. I'm still in the process of just making notes although I have written a few paragraphs already. I'm not even 100% sure of the plot yet (lol).

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by jake_foster View Post
    To be honest I don't know what I'd call it. This part of the story does take place in aristocratic society back in the late 1800's so I'm trying my best to write how I envision they would talk back then... and with that type of status. I'm still in the process of just making notes although I have written a few paragraphs already. I'm not even 100% sure of the plot yet (lol).
    There you go then. Considering I didn't know what you were writing about, the fact I thought it sounded aristocratic shows you're close to your objectives with the style.
    Craft / Draft / Graft And Write To Entertain.

  7. #7
    I would suggest replied hesitantly, worriedly or uncertainly as to avoid the sentence sounding contrived.
    A man in possession of a wooden spoon must be in want of a pot to stir.

  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Bloggsworth View Post
    I would suggest replied hesitantly, worriedly or uncertainly as to avoid the sentence sounding contrived.
    Thanks but I think if I used any of those words it would take away what I'm trying to do. I want him saying "yes, yes" in a short way as if bothered by her presence.

  9. #9
    Quote Originally Posted by jake_foster View Post
    Does his response make sense? I want the reader to know he's annoyed by her.

    “It’s ever so nice to see you again, dear.” she went on, now face to face with the man. “I understand you’ve been rather ill lately, it
    has been a worry of mine, are you better now?”


    “Yes, yes” replied Lord Farley in a bothered tone.
    You could use it if you don't mind that it sounds stilted. That might be what you're going for (after all, he's bothered). I don't particularly like it because it feels wordy and awkward which could take too much time to read for the effect you're going for.

    So what is a 'bothered tone'? What would it sound like? Probably short, clipped, brusque, curt, dismissive.

    ...so maybe the phrase you write should e short, clipped, brusque, curt, dismissive. After the first character's rambling, obviously annoying line I would just type.

    "Yes, yes."

    Don't even add a dialogue tag unless you need it to indicate that Lord Farley spoke.

    If that's too minimalist what about:

    "Yes, yes," Lord Farley snapped.

    Something like that.
    What comes after the NaPo storm of poetry?
    Get ready for the
    May 2021 Collaborator Challenge.

    Send your potential partner a fruit basket and start begging!

  10. #10
    Then "Snapped" fits the bill.
    A man in possession of a wooden spoon must be in want of a pot to stir.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
This website uses cookies
We use cookies to store session information to facilitate remembering your login information, to allow you to save website preferences, to personalise content and ads, to provide social media features and to analyse our traffic. We also share information about your use of our site with our social media, advertising and analytics partners.