A Little Sentence Structure Help Please


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Thread: A Little Sentence Structure Help Please

  1. #1

    A Little Sentence Structure Help Please

    I can't remember what it's called technically, but is there a subject/verb discrepancy here?

    Taking the homework from the dressing table, perfectly aligned with a brush and comb, he sat in a chair next to the window.
    And does this solve it?

    Taking the homework from the dressing table -- perfectly aligned with a brush and comb -- he sat in a chair next to the window.
    Or perhaps this? Is it awkward like this?

    Taking the homework -- perfectly aligned with a brush and a comb -- from the dressing table, he sat in a chair next to the window.
    ?

    Taking the homework (perfectly aligned with a brush and a comb) from the dressing table, he sat in a chair next to the window.
    This may be better:

    From the dressing table, he took his homework -- perfectly aligned with a brush and a comb -- and sat in a chair by the window.
    No confusion, I get rid of the nasty 'ing' and the ugly 'next to'. It's just that repetition of 'and' bothering me now. would using 'then' help? I don't like using 'then' if I can help it but is it acceptable there?

    From the dressing table, he took his homework -- perfectly aligned with a brush and a comb -- then sat in a chair by the window.
    I think that could be it. Why is it I can sometimes solve a problem on a forum that I couldn't in Word? At least you get to see how anal I am when writing. LOL.
    Last edited by TheMightyAz; January 24th, 2021 at 02:55 PM.
    Just An Ordinary Bloke, Doing Ordinary Things, In An Extraordinary World.

  2. #2
    Quote Originally Posted by TheMightyAz View Post
    A Little Sentence Structure Help Please

    I can't remember what it's called technically, but is there a subject/verb discrepancy here?

    Taking the homework from the dressing table, perfectly aligned with a brush and comb, he sat in a chair next to the window.

    And does this solve it?

    Taking the homework from the dressing table -- perfectly aligned with a brush and comb -- he sat in a chair next to the window.

    Or perhaps this? Is it awkward like this?

    Taking the homework -- perfectly aligned with a brush and a comb -- from the dressing table, he sat in a chair next to the window.

    ?

    Taking the homework (perfectly aligned with a brush and a comb) from the dressing table, he sat in a chair next to the window.

    This may be better:

    [SIZE=3]From the dressing table, he took his homework -- perfectly aligned with a brush and a comb -- and sat in a chair by the window.[/SIZE
    ]


    No confusion, I get rid of the nasty 'ing' and the ugly 'next to'.
    after taking the papers from their perfect alignment with brush and comb upon dressing table, he sat in a chair by the window with his homework.

    accept.table?
    " I like it, but I donít get it." - Megan WF April LM Challenge

    "Hereby copyright for all things Xonian and Xxildurim is transferred to one named -xXx-" - Mish The Question Game 2458

    "...intrusively poetic, robotic way of articulating thought." - Sycamore LM coffee shop 347

    i wrote this:
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    just in time
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  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by -xXx- View Post
    after taking the papers from their perfect alignment with brush and comb upon dressing table, he sat in a chair by the window with his homework.

    accept.table?
    I like your winky face, so it makes it awkward for me to say 'I'm not keen on that' ... I need it to be snappy. The section it's from is filled with snappy sentences. It's a sequence that's necessary but I don't want the reader held up there.
    Just An Ordinary Bloke, Doing Ordinary Things, In An Extraordinary World.

  4. #4
    May be a bit of allegory:

    A perfectly aligned homework with a brush and comb cried to be taken, and he fulfilled its desire and carried it to chair next to window.

    Probably this idea can be shaped better.

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by -xXx- View Post
    after taking the papers from their perfect alignment with brush and comb upon dressing table, he sat in a chair by the window with his homework.

    accept.table?
    Quote Originally Posted by TheMightyAz View Post
    I like your winky face, so it makes it awkward for me to say 'I'm not keen on that' ... I need it to be snappy. The section it's from is filled with snappy sentences. It's a sequence that's necessary but I don't want the reader held up there.

    winky face thot you might not be keen on that.
    no worries.

    papers snapped up from perfect dressing-table-brush-comb alignment, he sat in a chair by the window with his homework.

    yeah.
    not quite of-ambiance, ay?
    " I like it, but I donít get it." - Megan WF April LM Challenge

    "Hereby copyright for all things Xonian and Xxildurim is transferred to one named -xXx-" - Mish The Question Game 2458

    "...intrusively poetic, robotic way of articulating thought." - Sycamore LM coffee shop 347

    i wrote this:
    Hidden Content
    Hidden Content
    and
    just in time
    for memorable holidays
    at a publication near you
    Hidden Content
    share it with someone you treasure
    *flash*
    Hidden Content

  6. #6
    Is his being OCD important to the story, or is it padding?
    A man in possession of a wooden spoon must be in want of a pot to stir.

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Puellamagi View Post
    May be a bit of allegory:

    A perfectly aligned homework with a brush and comb cried to be taken, and he fulfilled its desire and carried it to chair next to window.

    Probably this idea can be shaped better.
    I like the idea but not for this piece, or for this section in particular. I'm getting a lot done with the three paragraphs in this section and that would slow the pace down.
    Just An Ordinary Bloke, Doing Ordinary Things, In An Extraordinary World.

  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Bloggsworth View Post
    Is his being OCD important to the story, or is it padding?
    It is important in that it tells you something about his mother that hasn't been mentioned before. She likes her little boy well groomed. I think I'm happy with the sentence I eventually arrived at.
    Just An Ordinary Bloke, Doing Ordinary Things, In An Extraordinary World.

  9. #9
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    His homework lay spread upon the dressing table, aligned with a brush, the comb, and a pencil, disrupted by a doily covering laid across this Chippendale surface, and some lady powders held in their silver salter shaker, possibly the word. How could he ever know? He gathered his exercise book from amidst the alien clutter of dressing, chewed his pencil, reclined in the comfort of the chair below the window, like a man, like the man he would be one day.

    [it’s a fat tap from me, I’m at work]

  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Matchu View Post
    His homework lay spread upon the dressing table, aligned with a brush, the comb, and a pencil, disrupted by a doily covering laid across this Chippendale surface, and some lady powders held in their silver salter shaker, possibly the word. How could he ever know? He gathered his exercise book from amidst the alien clutter of dressing, chewed his pencil, reclined in the comfort of the chair below the window, like a man, like the man he would be one day.

    [it’s a fat tap from me, I’m at work]
    Well ... yes ... erm ... not exactly what I had in mind.
    Just An Ordinary Bloke, Doing Ordinary Things, In An Extraordinary World.

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