A Little Sentence Structure Help Please - Page 5


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Thread: A Little Sentence Structure Help Please

  1. #41
    Quote Originally Posted by Olly Buckle View Post
    Oh, I see, 'She aligned it with her usual pernickety perfection.'
    I know you like to imply and suggest subtly, but a lot of readers simply won't get it, I'd hit them over the head with it, at least sometimes.
    The problem is, I don't really want to write a whole scene to express it. It's implied rather than played out. I know, from a writing perspective, what I've done is a no no in most cases, but it's a rule I'm willing to break here. So with that in mind: 'she aligned perfectly' or 'she perfectly aligned'?
    Just An Ordinary Bloke, Doing Ordinary Things, In An Extraordinary World.

  2. #42
    Put the perfection in her and the alignment in the physical world 'Her perfection aligned it' ?
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  3. #43
    Foxee's ​ post above (#40) says it all. Our chatting back and forth is invaluable, and suggestions like these have often helped me see what my piece needs much better than if I relied on my head alone. But, at the end of the process, final edits must rest with me and my piece. Az and his. As the refrain to the old blues song would have it: "Ain't nobody's business but my own."



    ________________________________________________

    "I believe in nothing but the holiness of the heart's affections and the Truth of the imagination". Keats, ​Letters

    "No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main . . . any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind. And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls -- it tolls for thee. " John Donne, Meditation XVII

  4. #44
    Quote Originally Posted by clark View Post
    Foxee's ​ post above (#40) says it all. Our chatting back and forth is invaluable, and suggestions like these have often helped me see what my piece needs much better than if I relied on my head alone. But, at the end of the process, final edits must rest with me and my piece. Az and his. As the refrain to the old blues song would have it: "Ain't nobody's business but my own."
    Indeed. Although this conversation hasn't changed my opinion on what I'm trying to accomplish with the wording, it has changed my view on how I present it. That doesn't just inform this one single sentence (or idea), it reverberates across the whole spectrum of the story. Something I'd not given much thought to is now something uppermost in my mind, and will become part of my arsenal when I'm going through my last couple of drafts.
    Just An Ordinary Bloke, Doing Ordinary Things, In An Extraordinary World.

  5. #45
    [QUOTE=from a writing perspective, what I've done is a no no in most cases, but it's a rule I'm willing to break here. So with that in mind: 'she aligned perfectly' or 'she perfectly aligned'? [/QUOTE]

    To attempt an answer: the point has been made that "aligned" is aligned and "perfectly" trembles on the short plunge into redundancy, But, Az, you said you wanted a hammer-whack on this point and would let the 'redundancy' stand. That said, the FIRST emphasis should be on the subject and her immediate action, classically achieved by positioning subject and verb as close together as possible.

    So I would go with "she aligned".



    ________________________________________________

    "I believe in nothing but the holiness of the heart's affections and the Truth of the imagination". Keats, ​Letters

    "No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main . . . any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind. And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls -- it tolls for thee. " John Donne, Meditation XVII

  6. #46
    Quote Originally Posted by clark View Post
    To attempt an answer: the point has been made that "aligned" is aligned and "perfectly" trembles on the short plunge into redundancy, But, Az, you said you wanted a hammer-whack on this point and would let the 'redundancy' stand. That said, the FIRST emphasis should be on the subject and her immediate action, classically achieved by positioning subject and verb as close together as possible.

    So I would go with "she aligned".
    Yeah, I have gone for that too. It not only sounds better but doesn't break yet one more rule!
    Just An Ordinary Bloke, Doing Ordinary Things, In An Extraordinary World.

  7. #47
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    I can't help with the sentence structure but why is the homework on the dressing table? It seems out of place. Dressing tables are usually small and nice tables, and I'd thought a tidy mother would have put only toilet items on it. There is no other furniture in the room?

  8. #48
    Quote Originally Posted by Kensa View Post
    I can't help with the sentence structure but why is the homework on the dressing table? It seems out of place. Dressing tables are usually small and nice tables, and I'd thought a tidy mother would have put only toilet items on it. There is no other furniture in the room?
    The dressing table has a mirror. What better place to put a comb, and what better place to put the bait?

    edit: OK, I think I have another line for my scene.
    Last edited by TheMightyAz; January 26th, 2021 at 10:23 PM.
    Just An Ordinary Bloke, Doing Ordinary Things, In An Extraordinary World.

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