Angry Words


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Thread: Angry Words

  1. #1

    Angry Words

    Unforgettable angry words
    Cut me to the bone
    and get carved into stone
    It felt so good to be with someone else
    Your legs look like tree trunks
    You lead a very small life
    We arenít a real family
    Weíre just a group of people who live together
    Compliments quickly evaporate
    Disappearing into nothingness
    Leaving behind no trace
    (just blank space)

    If only I could remember the compliments
    And forget those angry words

  2. #2
    Hello.

    I really appreciate the honesty of the speaker in this piece, there is no subterfuge just a raw awareness and acceptance of what they’re feeling. It’s the sort of poetry that I appreciate most.

    If I am being critical I feel that the piece jumps a lot in terms of cadence you have the two lines that rhyme at the very start, followed by the italics and I just find that this rhythm really jars me as a reader, it brings me out of the piece at the moment when I want it to flow. This sense of dissonance can be utilised to throw the reader but I would suggest not towards the beginning of the piece, if that makes sense?

    I hope this helps,

    Cheers

    Syd

  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by AnnieJay View Post
    Unforgettable angry words
    Cut me to the bone
    and get carved into stone
    It felt so good to be with someone else
    Your legs look like tree trunks
    You lead a very small life
    We arenít a real family
    Weíre just a group of people who live together
    Compliments quickly evaporate
    Disappearing into nothingness
    Leaving behind no trace
    (just blank space)

    If only I could remember the compliments
    And forget those angry words
    Hi,

    Unforgettable angry words,

    I felt this line so deeply, we often say things in anger from pain, and although they say words donít mean anything.
    They sure as hell cut deeply as you described.
    Lovely words , Thank you.

    J.

  4. #4
    Hi there!
    Thank you for sharing your work with us. I've read a few poems on this site already and yours is the first one i'm commenting on because it stood out to me. I like the italicized internal dialogue. I think it's a very creative aspect that can be implemented to one's work in order to illicit a more intimate connection to the poet. I feel that it should be used more in others work.
    Great job.

    -Annie

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by 2020Syd2020 View Post
    Hello.

    I really appreciate the honesty of the speaker in this piece, there is no subterfuge just a raw awareness and acceptance of what they’re feeling. It’s the sort of poetry that I appreciate most.

    If I am being critical I feel that the piece jumps a lot in terms of cadence you have the two lines that rhyme at the very start, followed by the italics and I just find that this rhythm really jars me as a reader, it brings me out of the piece at the moment when I want it to flow. This sense of dissonance can be utilised to throw the reader but I would suggest not towards the beginning of the piece, if that makes sense?

    I hope this helps,

    Cheers

    Syd
    Thanks Syd! I appreciate your feedback. I wanted to include the actual words and didn't consider the cadence with this approach. The original had different spacing and that may have helped with readability too. I'll give it some thought and see if I can still use the actual words, but maybe add some more lines to address the cadence issue. Though I've been writing off and on for years, this was the first thing I've ever really shared. It was scary, but your generous and thoughtful input was exactly what I needed. Thank you again!

    AnnieJay

  6. #6
    To JK_SL

    Thank you for your kind words. They are very much appreciated.

    AnnieJay

  7. #7
    To Annie. Marie

    Thank you for your kind and generous feedback. As I've said before, sharing is scary. This community and folks like you make it much easier.

  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by AnnieJay View Post
    To Annie. Marie

    Thank you for your kind and generous feedback. As I've said before, sharing is scary. This community and folks like you make it much easier.
    Youíre welcome, it is very scary.
    I donít know if you ever feel the same but I feel itís like you almost feel fake in sharing your words , I almost feel itís like insides on paper sometimes. Thank you for your words.

    J.

  9. #9
    Quote Originally Posted by AnnieJay View Post
    To JK_SL

    Thank you for your kind words. They are very much appreciated.

    AnnieJay
    Youíre very welcome.

    J.

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