Lovers


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Thread: Lovers

  1. #1

    Lovers

    𝐼𝓉 𝓉𝑜𝑜𝓀 𝓂𝑒 𝒽𝓊𝓇𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓎𝑜𝓊
    𝓉𝑜 𝓈𝑒𝑒 𝒽𝑜𝓌 𝓂𝓊𝒸𝒽 𝐼 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒𝒹 𝓎𝑜𝓊
    𝓂𝓎 𝑔𝑜𝒹 𝐼 𝓈𝓉𝒾𝓁𝓁 𝒹𝑜.
    𝒲𝑒 𝓌𝑒𝓇𝑒 𝓃𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓇 𝓅𝑒𝓇𝒻𝑒𝒸𝓉,
    𝒷𝓊𝓉 𝓌𝒽𝒶𝓉 𝓌𝑒 𝓌𝑒𝓇𝑒
    𝓌𝒶𝓈 𝓅𝓇𝑒𝓉𝓉𝓎 𝒟𝒶𝓂𝓃 𝓅𝑒𝓇𝒻𝑒𝒸𝓉.
    𝑀𝒶𝓃𝓎 𝓎𝑒𝒶𝓇𝓈 𝓌𝑜𝓇𝑒 𝓊𝓈 𝒹𝑜𝓌𝓃,
    𝒷𝓇𝑒𝒶𝓀𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝑒𝒶𝒸𝒽 𝑜𝓉𝒽𝑒𝓇 𝒹𝑜𝓌𝓃
    𝒶𝓁𝓂𝑜𝓈𝓉 𝓉𝑜 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒷𝑜𝓃𝑒,
    𝒹𝓇𝒾𝓃𝓀 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓅𝑜𝒾𝓈𝑜𝓃 𝒹𝒶𝓇𝓁𝒾𝓃𝑔
    𝐼 𝒸𝒶𝓃𝓃𝑜𝓉 𝒷𝒶𝓇𝑒 𝓉𝑜 𝓈𝑒𝑒 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒾𝓃 𝓅𝒶𝒾𝓃.





    The poison idea was from Romeo and Juliet.
    Honestly, I would be selfish and take the poison, as grieving a lover that is still alive is the most unimaginable pain you will endure.
    Almost like internally bleeding from a car crash but the wound never heals.
    Last edited by Jk_Sl; January 22nd, 2021 at 11:34 PM.

  2. #2
    Hello,

    There is an honesty to this piece and the other piece that you have shared which I really appreciate as a reader. It doesn’t feel like the speaker is trying to mislead their audience in anyway. That is the kind of poetry that I relate must to, the stuff that leaves all of the speaker on the page.

    I would say from a criticism perspective that I think you could develop this piece so that it shows the reader what the speaker is feeling, rather than just tell them. I think you could create something truly emotive by showing the reader glimpses of this couple hurting one another. I’m not saying you need to leave everything on the table but just a few more glimpses would really strengthen the piece.

    I hope this helps

    Cheers

    Syd

  3. #3
    Hi.

    Thank you for your input.
    This point in my life , I have just began writing,
    I really value your help, this is also still quite raw for me and I will take your points on board.

    Thank you very much.

    Jk.

  4. #4
    I really liked this piece. I appreciate poems that bring raw emotions to the surface, and I really felt the sorrow and pain you poured into this piece. I recommend removing the repetition with "perfect" and "down", unless of course that is what you were going for. And, also break up the last line, or simplify it perhaps:

    Drink the poison Darling
    I cannot bare to see you in pain

    Thank you for sharing!

  5. #5
    We were never perfect but we were, was pretty damn perfect..... So much love and respect for the beautiful common moments. Lovely poem.
    Keep writing, your pen possesses ink with strong impact.
    Good luck.
    Ritu

  6. #6
    There's a deep despair in this piece. I like it!
    Craft / Draft / Graft And Write To Entertain Yourself And The reader.

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by TheMightyAz View Post
    There's a deep despair in this piece. I like it!
    Thank you very much.

  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by AnnieJay View Post
    I really liked this piece. I appreciate poems that bring raw emotions to the surface, and I really felt the sorrow and pain you poured into this piece. I recommend removing the repetition with "perfect" and "down", unless of course that is what you were going for. And, also break up the last line, or simplify it perhaps:

    Drink the poison Darling
    I cannot bare to see you in pain

    Thank you for sharing!
    Thank you, I see what you mean with the repetition, I had thought it sounded good making it rhyme, I may change it at some point if I can think of something better.
    I value your input.

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