Cries


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Thread: Cries

  1. #1

    Cries

    Pt 1 Grieving the alive

    There are no words
    I could
    think of to drown
    out your cries
    have you ever
    loved someone
    so intensely

    that you’d
    wish for a
    quick death.
    Cold nights
    numb and silent
    Silent cries
    children’s cry
    would they ever
    return to laughs
    no gratitude on waking
    the only relief from sleeping
    Is a hope to never wake

    Walking these four walls
    in a place you were
    once so loved and wanted
    a living ghost
    with no purpose
    but to mourn past loves
    and laughs that
    they will return to just that
    tell me have you grieved
    someone still alive ?

    ..................................

    Pt.2 Fair well

    What if I never
    spoke of you
    or wrote of you
    would that cause
    me to feel any
    less over you

    I often thought
    if I wrote of you
    you’d be erased
    but erasing you
    means erasing
    everything that I am

    I couldn’t hate you
    no matter the damage
    instead I chose
    to love myself with
    more intensity

    After all this is
    a love story
    a fair well
    a goodbye

    A painful ending
    with new beginnings
    new friends
    new memories

    A million wishes
    a million hopes
    a million dreams

    A new me
    fair well my love
    my love fair well

    J.h
    Last edited by Jk_Sl; January 29th, 2021 at 08:17 PM.

  2. #2
    Hello,

    This is a stark piece, strengthened by its brevity, for me I read this as a parent, struggling to deal with postpartum depression. Reading the piece in this way it’s simple and honest and doesn’t try to sugar coat this feeling of pain that the speaker must be feeling. For me on a technical note I would cut line three into two separate lines. I would also suggest that the idea of loving someone to death, while true strays into the realms of cliche. Is there a way of saying this without it feeling so obvious.

    At any rate I really can’t wait to see how this piece develops.

    Cheers for sharing

    Syd

  3. #3
    I found this piece haunting (in a good way). I agree with Syd's comment of breaking up line three. I also recommend breaking up the last line. Thank you for sharing!

    Annie

  4. #4
    Thank you everyone for your help, my feelings are still very raw, and I have only been writing for 3 weeks , thank you.

    JK.

  5. #5
    Wait a minute ... Have you ever considered combining this with 'Lovers'? A bit of re-jigging here and there makes it a perfect match.
    Craft / Draft / Graft And Write To Entertain.

  6. #6
    That could well be a thought, I have many stored , I will have a look and see what fits.
    Thank you, I really appreciate your help.

    JK.

  7. #7
    Sometimes when I sit at night, after the children are asleep, I have time with my thoughts. It is very apparent that silence is full of answers.
    The ground beneath falls away,
    The weight in that moment tells me, that thoughts are the only thing that weigh absolutely nothing but paralyse you fully.

    JK.

  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Jk_Sl View Post
    That could well be a thought, I have many stored , I will have a look and see what fits.
    Thank you, I really appreciate your help.

    JK.
    LOL. Did you know that JK also means 'Just Kidding'?
    Craft / Draft / Graft And Write To Entertain.

  9. #9
    “No gratitude on waking.”
    I don’t know if the intent was there, but how many times have I woken up without the slightest of appreciation for the fact that I was able to wake up?

    The world is an incredibly heavy place, but it’s beauty never ceases to exist! Great line that caused me to think even if how I interpreted isn’t how it was written.

  10. #10
    Responding to TheMightyaz comment of JK,
    I actually forgot for a moment, but I’ll keep it for some humour to the darkness. 😊
    Last edited by Jk_Sl; January 19th, 2021 at 10:00 PM.

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