Cries

[Jk_Sl]

Pt 1 Grieving the alive

There are no words
I could
think of to drown
out your cries
have you ever
loved someone
so intensely

that you’d
wish for a
quick death.
Cold nights
numb and silent
Silent cries
children’s cry
would they ever
return to laughs
no gratitude on waking
the only relief from sleeping
Is a hope to never wake

Walking these four walls
in a place you were
once so loved and wanted
a living ghost
with no purpose
but to mourn past loves
and laughs that
they will return to just that
tell me have you grieved
someone still alive ?

..................................

Pt.2 Fair well

What if I never
spoke of you
or wrote of you
would that cause
me to feel any
less over you

I often thought
if I wrote of you
you’d be erased
but erasing you
means erasing
everything that I am

I couldn’t hate you
no matter the damage
instead I chose
to love myself with
more intensity

After all this is
a love story
a fair well
a goodbye

A painful ending
with new beginnings
new friends
new memories

A million wishes
a million hopes
a million dreams

A new me
fair well my love
my love fair well

J.h

[2020Syd2020]

Hello,

This is a stark piece, strengthened by its brevity, for me I read this as a parent, struggling to deal with postpartum depression. Reading the piece in this way it’s simple and honest and doesn’t try to sugar coat this feeling of pain that the speaker must be feeling. For me on a technical note I would cut line three into two separate lines. I would also suggest that the idea of loving someone to death, while true strays into the realms of cliche. Is there a way of saying this without it feeling so obvious.

At any rate I really can’t wait to see how this piece develops.

Cheers for sharing

Syd

[AnnieJay]

I found this piece haunting (in a good way). I agree with Syd's comment of breaking up line three. I also recommend breaking up the last line. Thank you for sharing!

Annie

[Jk_Sl]

Thank you everyone for your help, my feelings are still very raw, and I have only been writing for 3 weeks , thank you.

JK.

[TheMightyAz]

Wait a minute ... Have you ever considered combining this with 'Lovers'? A bit of re-jigging here and there makes it a perfect match.

[Jk_Sl]

That could well be a thought, I have many stored , I will have a look and see what fits.
Thank you, I really appreciate your help.

JK.

[Jk_Sl]

Sometimes when I sit at night, after the children are asleep, I have time with my thoughts. It is very apparent that silence is full of answers.
The ground beneath falls away,
The weight in that moment tells me, that thoughts are the only thing that weigh absolutely nothing but paralyse you fully.

JK.

[TheMightyAz]

That could well be a thought, I have many stored , I will have a look and see what fits.
Thank you, I really appreciate your help.

JK.

LOL. Did you know that JK also means 'Just Kidding'?

[mybleedingkeyboard]

“No gratitude on waking.”
I don’t know if the intent was there, but how many times have I woken up without the slightest of appreciation for the fact that I was able to wake up?

The world is an incredibly heavy place, but it’s beauty never ceases to exist! Great line that caused me to think even if how I interpreted isn’t how it was written.

[Jk_Sl]

Responding to TheMightyaz comment of JK,
I actually forgot for a moment, but I’ll keep it for some humour to the darkness. 😊