Magician


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Thread: Magician

  1. #1

    Magician

    You’ve donned your black cape
    Wand, Ready
    Master of Illusion
    Making yourself
    Appear
    to be something you’re not
    Hearts turn to Stone
    and Affection to Disdain
    In your Presence
    Magician Extraordinaire
    You’ve made my meager belief in love
    Disappear,
    You pull hate from the hearts of others
    like some pull rabbits from hats
    You know the tricks well,
    always picking the right lie
    from your deck of deceptions,
    conjuring up emotions
    in those who get suckered in by your show
    People
    Believe
    You care
    At least until the curtain closes
    And the lights go on
    Don’t be shy
    Take a bow
    You truly deserve a standing ovation
    Last edited by happy-hippie; January 15th, 2021 at 04:49 AM.

  2. #2
    I like this. Could you explain exactly what you're saying here though. I do get slightly lost amongst it.

    Quote Originally Posted by happy-hippie View Post
    You’ve donned your black cape
    Wand, Ready
    Master of Illusion
    Making yourself
    Appear
    to be something you’re not
    Hearts turn to Stone <- Only a suggestion but 'granite' feels better here.
    and Affection to Disdain <- do you need the 'and'?
    In your Presence
    Magician Extraordinaire
    You’ve made my meagre belief in love
    Disappear
    You pull hate from the hearts of others <- I'd lose 'you' here.
    like some pull rabbits from hats <- and change 'some pull' to 'pulling'. You could even simply write 'pulling rabbits from hats.'
    You know the tricks well,
    always picking the right lie <- 'always' isn't necessary. 'You know the tricks well' leads us into understanding 'always'.
    from your deck of deceptions,
    conjuring up emotions
    in those who get suckered in by your show
    People
    Believe
    You care
    At least until the curtain closes
    And the lights go on
    Don’t be shy
    Take a bow
    You truly deserve a standing ovation

  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by TheMightyAz View Post
    I like this. Could you explain exactly what you're saying here though. I do get slightly lost amongst it.
    I'm glad you liked it. I've had to sit with this for awhile, taking in your suggestions and trying to figure out how to explain.

    It's about putting on a show. It's about people who are good at pretending to be something they're not and describing the effects they eventually have on others(when the lights go on and truth is revealed), using imagery from magic shows. I was playing with the words. It's not a perfect parallel.

    As I was thinking of how to explain, I started getting lost too. (thinking so hard, I confused myself..lol).

    I took out always-does sound better.

    Not sure about taking away you-cause then it sounds like a command as opposed to describing something that this person does(Pull hate from the hearts of others). I don't know...
    For now, I prefer stone.
    Still playing with the wording and the rhythm but I've definitely been thinking about how to incorporate what you said.

    Thanks so much for reading and critiquing.

  4. #4
    Quote Originally Posted by happy-hippie View Post
    I'm glad you liked it. I've had to sit with this for awhile, taking in your suggestions and trying to figure out how to explain.

    It's about putting on a show. It's about people who are good at pretending to be something they're not and describing the effects they eventually have on others(when the lights go on and truth is revealed), using imagery from magic shows. I was playing with the words. It's not a perfect parallel.

    As I was thinking of how to explain, I started getting lost too. (thinking so hard, I confused myself..lol).

    I took out always-does sound better.

    Not sure about taking away you-cause then it sounds like a command as opposed to describing something that this person does(Pull hate from the hearts of others). I don't know...
    For now, I prefer stone.
    Still playing with the wording and the rhythm but I've definitely been thinking about how to incorporate what you said.

    Thanks so much for reading and critiquing.
    Yeah, they're only suggestions. The reason I suggested removing 'you' is because it feels tighter, and the natural flow already tells us it's another's action:

    You’ve made my meagre belief in love
    Disappear
    pull hate from the hearts of others
    like some pull rabbits from hats

    Imagine it was an extended sentence: 'You've made meagre belief in love disappear, pull hate from the hearts of others, like some pull rabbits from hats'.
    And compare that with: '
    'You've made meagre belief in love disappear, you pull hate from the hearts of others, like some pull rabbits from hats'.


    In an extended sentence form, 'you' would be removed (or a semicolon added). It's up to you but that's how I read it and why the second 'you' pulled me up.
    Just An Ordinary Bloke, Doing Ordinary Things, In An Extraordinary World.

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by TheMightyAz View Post
    Yeah, they're only suggestions. The reason I suggested removing 'you' is because it feels tighter, and the natural flow already tells us it's another's action:

    You’ve made my meagre belief in love
    Disappear
    pull hate from the hearts of others
    like some pull rabbits from hats

    Imagine it was an extended sentence: 'You've made meagre belief in love disappear, pull hate from the hearts of others, like some pull rabbits from hats'.
    And compare that with: '
    'You've made meagre belief in love disappear, you pull hate from the hearts of others, like some pull rabbits from hats'.


    In an extended sentence form, 'you' would be removed (or a semicolon added). It's up to you but that's how I read it and why the second 'you' pulled me up.
    Okay, I'm getting somehere with this...
    How about,...pulling hate from the hearts of others like some pull rabbits from hats? ...It's still not there but it's closer to it.

    Thanks for taking the time to explain.

    Or...pulling hate from the hearts of others, like rabbits are pulled from hats? I think I like this...

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by happy-hippie View Post
    Okay, I'm getting somehere with this...
    How about,...pulling hate from the hearts of others like some pull rabbits from hats? ...It's still not there but it's closer to it.

    Thanks for taking the time to explain.

    Or...pulling hate from the hearts of others, like rabbits are pulled from hats? I think I like this...
    That adds 'ing' though and I'd always strike those when you can. It softens the sound of every word that ends with it when the goal should be to 'try' and start with a strong word and end with a strong word. Don't get too obsessed with that though. It can drive you nuts:

    lips slip, stumbling over the truth,
    each letter uttered with sweet guile,
    mouth left parted a tooth width

    Think of the vowels too and try to get as many in as you can to create a rhythm. You can also repeat vowels to make it flow smoothly. Eat your beans you mean boy. The 'ys' work there nicely too.
    Just An Ordinary Bloke, Doing Ordinary Things, In An Extraordinary World.

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by TheMightyAz View Post
    Yeah, they're only suggestions. The reason I suggested removing 'you' is because it feels tighter, and the natural flow already tells us it's another's action:

    You’ve made my meagre belief in love
    Disappear
    pull hate from the hearts of others
    like some pull rabbits from hats

    Imagine it was an extended sentence: 'You've made meagre belief in love disappear, pull hate from the hearts of others, like some pull rabbits from hats'.
    And compare that with: '
    'You've made meagre belief in love disappear, you pull hate from the hearts of others, like some pull rabbits from hats'.


    In an extended sentence form, 'you' would be removed (or a semicolon added). It's up to you but that's how I read it and why the second 'you' pulled me up.
    Or, You've made love
    disappear,
    pulling hate from the hearts of others
    like rabbits are pulled from hats

  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by happy-hippie View Post
    Or, You've made love
    disappear,
    pulling hate from the hearts of others
    like rabbits are pulled from hats
    It's up to you of course but it doesn't really change anything if you put 'pull'. It's still the same sequence of events, minus the 'ing'. If it sounds better to you though, stick with it.
    Just An Ordinary Bloke, Doing Ordinary Things, In An Extraordinary World.

  9. #9
    Quote Originally Posted by TheMightyAz View Post
    That adds 'ing' though and I'd always strike those when you can. It softens the sound of every word that ends with it when the goal should be to 'try' and start with a strong word and end with a strong word. Don't get too obsessed with that though. It can drive you nuts:

    lips slip, stumbling over the truth,
    each letter uttered with sweet guile,
    mouth left parted a tooth width

    Think of the vowels too and try to get as many in as you can to create a rhythm. You can also repeat vowels to make it flow smoothly. Eat your beans you mean boy. The 'ys' work there nicely too.
    I'm trying to understand...it's going to take me some time to truly get this, but again, thanks for taking the time.

  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by happy-hippie View Post
    You’ve donned your black cape
    Wand, Ready
    Master of Illusion
    Making yourself
    Appear
    to be something you’re not
    Hearts turn to Stone
    and Affection to Disdain
    In your Presence
    Magician Extraordinaire
    You’ve made my meager belief in love
    Disappear,
    You pull hate from the hearts of others
    like some pull rabbits from hats
    You know the tricks well,
    always picking the right lie
    from your deck of deceptions,
    conjuring up emotions
    in those who get suckered in by your show
    People
    Believe
    You care
    At least until the curtain closes
    And the lights go on
    Don’t be shy
    Take a bow
    You truly deserve a standing ovation
    Lovely!!! I wish if such magician could exist, pulling hate out of the hearts.... At least until the curtain closes.
    Keep writing.
    Good luck
    Ritu

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