A Narrator With An Only Perspective

[ritudimrinautiyal]

He hid behind the curtains,
when he saw his father beating, torturing his mother,
making him, more scared inside.
Too creative for his age,
he started making stories, seemed quite reliable for the reality.
Ultimately, he became a narrator with a single perspective.

Ritu Dimri Nautiyal

[2020Syd2020]

Hello,

Like this a lot, I’ve left some comments below.

Cheers

Syd



He saw his father abusig his mother, small typo abusing
hiding behind curtains, making him,
more introvert rather. I’d cut this line
More scared inside, but too creative for his age,
he started making stories, making everybody believe, that those really happened that way.
He only believed, weaker should always be crushed, I would consider shorter lines through this section
and stronger, should always be cheered.
Ultimately, he became a narrator with an only perspective. Liking the ending a lot.

[ritudimrinautiyal]

Hello,

Like this a lot, I’ve left some comments below.

Cheers

Syd



He saw his father abusig his mother, small typo abusing
hiding behind curtains, making him,
more introvert rather. I’d cut this line
More scared inside, but too creative for his age,
he started making stories, making everybody believe, that those really happened that way.
He only believed, weaker should always be crushed, I would consider shorter lines through this section
and stronger, should always be cheered.
Ultimately, he became a narrator with an only perspective. Liking the ending a lot.

Gosh, I didn't notice the missed n in abusing. Thanks a lot Syd. I will incorporate all your suggestions. Feel highly appreciated by your feedback.
Good luck
Ritu

[Foxee]

He saw his father abusing his mother,
hiding behind curtains,

In these first two lines it can appear at first as though he saw his father abusing his mother and hiding behind the curtains. The context clarifies later but this is the initial impression.

[clark]

phrasing re 'hiding' remains cumbersome, if not misplaced and confusing.

How about subordinating the curtain/hide issue, the 'mechanics' of which are unimportant. What is very important is the hint here that what he saw impacted him in serious ways: 1) horror over what his father did 2) guilt that he didn't try to stop his dad 3) guilt that he did not try to 'rescue' his mom. The metaphoric range of those three possibilities will resonate widely for most readers. Some suggestions:

BLUE = suggestions
RED = TELLING

Secret behind curtains one day, OR hiding behind curtains one day,
he saw his father abusing his mother, for me, too vague. If he was only yelling at her, or belittling her, then the boy's trauma seems forced and excessive. If he was beating or raping her, or grossly insulting her, his trauma would be justified. Be a little more specific
making him, more scared inside,
but too creative for his age.
He started making stories, seemed quite reliable for the reality.IIdeally, create a powerful image that ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooosuggests what 'crushes'
He only believed, weaker should always be crushed,ooand 'cheers' WITHOUT declaring these values. Trust your
and stronger, should always be cheered.oooooooooooooooreader to arrive at their own conclusions
Ultimately, he became a narrator with an only perspective.

Note than " . . .with an only" is not an English phrase. I think you mean "with only one persp . ." or "with a fixed persp . . ." Something like that.

RITU -- I really like the theme you're exploring--that childhood traumas can result in distasteful or unusual responses. The ironic possibilities abound! Opening the creative side of the boy is surely a 'good' . . .but resulting in a twisted sense of cause/effect could have disastrous repercussions for the 'narrator. Etc. Etc. Resist the impulse to 'tell' your reader exactly what happens and what it means.

[ritudimrinautiyal]

phrasing re 'hiding' remains cumbersome, if not misplaced and confusing.

How about subordinating the curtain/hide issue, the 'mechanics' of which are unimportant. What is very important is the hint here that what he saw impacted him in serious ways: 1) horror over what his father did 2) guilt that he didn't try to stop his dad 3) guilt that he did not try to 'rescue' his mom. The metaphoric range of those three possibilities will resonate widely for most readers. Some suggestions:

BLUE = suggestions
RED = TELLING

Secret behind curtains one day, OR hiding behind curtains one day,
he saw his father abusing his mother, for me, too vague. If he was only yelling at her, or belittling her, then the boy's trauma seems forced and excessive. If he was beating or raping her, or grossly insulting her, his trauma would be justified. Be a little more specific
making him, more scared inside,
but too creative for his age.
He started making stories, seemed quite reliable for the reality.IIdeally, create a powerful image that ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooosuggests what 'crushes'
He only believed, weaker should always be crushed,ooand 'cheers' WITHOUT declaring these values. Trust your
and stronger, should always be cheered.oooooooooooooooreader to arrive at their own conclusions
Ultimately, he became a narrator with an only perspective.

Note than " . . .with an only" is not an English phrase. I think you mean "with only one persp . ." or "with a fixed persp . . ." Something like that.

RITU -- I really like the theme you're exploring--that childhood traumas can result in distasteful or unusual responses. The ironic possibilities abound! Opening the creative side of the boy is surely a 'good' . . .but resulting in a twisted sense of cause/effect could have disastrous repercussions for the 'narrator. Etc. Etc. Resist the impulse to 'tell' your reader exactly what happens and what it means.

phrasing re 'hiding' remains cumbersome, if not misplaced and confusing.

How about subordinating the curtain/hide issue, the 'mechanics' of which are unimportant. What is very important is the hint here that what he saw impacted him in serious ways: 1) horror over what his father did 2) guilt that he didn't try to stop his dad 3) guilt that he did not try to 'rescue' his mom. The metaphoric range of those three possibilities will resonate widely for most readers. Some suggestions:

BLUE = suggestions
RED = TELLING

Secret behind curtains one day, OR hiding behind curtains one day,
he saw his father abusing his mother, for me, too vague. If he was only yelling at her, or belittling her, then the boy's trauma seems forced and excessive. If he was beating or raping her, or grossly insulting her, his trauma would be justified. Be a little more specific
making him, more scared inside,
but too creative for his age.
He started making stories, seemed quite reliable for the reality.IIdeally, create a powerful image that ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooosuggests what 'crushes'
He only believed, weaker should always be crushed,ooand 'cheers' WITHOUT declaring these values. Trust your
and stronger, should always be cheered.oooooooooooooooreader to arrive at their own conclusions
Ultimately, he became a narrator with an only perspective.

Note than " . . .with an only" is not an English phrase. I think you mean "with only one persp . ." or "with a fixed persp . . ." Something like that.

RITU -- I really like the theme you're exploring--that childhood traumas can result in distasteful or unusual responses. The ironic possibilities abound! Opening the creative side of the boy is surely a 'good' . . .but resulting in a twisted sense of cause/effect could have disastrous repercussions for the 'narrator. Etc. Etc. Resist the impulse to 'tell' your reader exactly what happens and what it means.

Thanks a lot Sir. I would definitely look into your suggestions and rewrite it.
Highly appreciate your critique

Ritu