A good woman.


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Thread: A good woman.

  1. #1

    A good woman.

    Oh, how she knows her worth.
    She is the ideal of a romantic.
    Just at my fingertips which I can’t quite grasp.

    She sounds so good when i utter her name out of my mouth, their eyes brighten up with hope.
    She’s high maintenance.
    She’ll stand by your side and support you while you achieve your goals and dreams.
    She’ll help you regain your health.
    She’ll introduce you to many open doors.
    She’ll remove you from your rut.
    She’ll make you face your mistakes but I assure you she’s routing for your best.
    You’ll absolutely have to fight for her.
    Although a break sounds calming but let’s be real, you can’t function without her.
    All she really asks is you stay consistent, committed, willing to fight your demons.
    The kids miss you so much,
    I hear them crying at night, asking for you.

    I’ve lost sight of you.
    You took my health with you.
    You took my peace with you.
    You took my family with you.
    You took my love with you.
    You took who I am with you.



    I have nothing left.


    I really don’t know how to begin to start looking.
    I miss you.


    My sobriety,




    Come back to me.

  2. #2
    Interesting twist at the end. I liked the surprise ending...i wasn't expecting it.

  3. #3
    Hello,

    For me I would work on the structure as I feel that the longer lineation towards the middle section of the piece feels a little jarring and arbitrary. Fundamentally I would also try remove any mention of “I” from the piece until at least the very end, because that would reader a stronger sense of distinction between the speaker and the speaker when sober if you get what I mean?

    Looking forward to see where you go with this.

    Cheers


    Syd

  4. #4
    Lyn

    Your first line implies she is selling herself, in spite of the 'good' in the title tht you reinforce throughout the poem.

    I was puzzled until I reached the last line, which is brilliant.
    Kind regards,
    Hidden Content Katrina
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    Choreographing Calligraphy


  5. #5
    Member River Rose's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lyn View Post
    Oh, how she knows her worth.
    She is the ideal of a romantic.
    Just at my fingertips which I can’t quite grasp.

    She sounds so good when i utter her name out of my mouth, their eyes brighten up with hope.
    She’s high maintenance.
    She’ll stand by your side and support you while you achieve your goals and dreams.
    She’ll help you regain your health.
    She’ll introduce you to many open doors.
    She’ll remove you from your rut.
    She’ll make you face your mistakes but I assure you she’s routing for your best.
    You’ll absolutely have to fight for her.
    Although a break sounds calming but let’s be real, you can’t function without her.
    All she really asks is you stay consistent, committed, willing to fight your demons.
    The kids miss you so much,
    I hear them crying at night, asking for you.

    I’ve lost sight of you.
    You took my health with you.
    You took my peace with you.
    You took my family with you.
    You took my love with you.
    You took who I am with you.



    I have nothing left.


    I really don’t know how to begin to start looking.
    I miss you.


    My sobriety,




    Come back to me.
    I don’t give a rats ass about “proper writing”. I honestly know nothing about it. I just feel. Put what I feel into words.
    And this,,,is incredible. It’s powerful. I feel every word of this poem when the end hits and u read the final lines. Breathtaking.
    Some girls are made of Supernova’s,Moonbeam dances ,Stardust sprinkles,Forest Witches and Crows Kisses ~ RR

  6. #6
    Needs editing - where else would you utter her name - Answers to Donald Trump...
    A man in possession of a wooden spoon must be in want of a pot to stir.

  7. #7
    this is a poem of true power and viscerally communicates

    well done you to have lived this and survived to tell that tale to others

    Speaking, where it is of power, is uttered from the mouth Its basically biblical
    uttered into this world

    as to how as you ask
    one day at a time
    thank you for sharing your world your walk with me Im more than slightly in awe

    PS the spacing is good too
    We are the measure of all things. And the beauty of our creation, of our art is proportional to the beauty of ourselves of our souls. Jonas Mekas

  8. #8
    Hi there!
    Absolutely love pieces where I did not expect the ending and then i'm forced to re-read the whole thing again from a new perspective. Very creative. Thank you for sharing.

    -Annie

  9. #9
    I also feel like some middle lines can be taken out while the lines left can be combined with others to make stronger sentences.
    Sometimes less wording can illicit stronger emotions from the reader.

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