Stay (I Missed You)


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Thread: Stay (I Missed You)

  1. #1

    Stay (I Missed You)

    In that instant, I became acutely aware I was suffocating.

    My vision blurred by the plastic they wrapped me in...I struggled and somehow, tore open the tarp with my teeth. The wet autumn air tasted of leaves and burning firewood.

    Kicking, I tore a foot through the plastic, my lungs burning from the sudden reintroduction of oxygen, I made my way through the rest; rolling exhausted, gasping on the asphalt.

    It wasn’t long before he came back, only to stumble back at the sight of me.

    “You? How the fuck ..”

    I imagine sometimes that the last thing he saw was his left eye...as the crowbar’s claw tore his right eye from his temple.

    “Was it worth it?” I asked mockingly as he folded into himself like a wet cardboard box.

    Aldo always walked heavy and tonight was no exception. I took the revolver out of his jacket...along with the speed loaders and the keys to his car.

    I rolled him up in the same tarp and as I dragged him off the road, his shoe fell off...well, I wouldn’t call it so much a shoe as I would an embarrassment.

    What kind of wiseguy...no, what kind of man wears fucking Crocs? Fucking purple Crocs at that?

    “A fucking dead guy,”I laughed.

    I took a long drag from a cigarette and closed my eyes....I was drained but at the same time, exhilarated.

    Yeah, you’re right. Come on, I know you’re thinking it. Yes. It was just like sex. Fuck you for judging.

    Anyway...

    I found the Cadillac just over the hill and turned the engine over. He left the stereo on...full blast from when I was in the trunk....pure fucking nausea:

    “So I, I turned the radio on,
    I turned the radio up
    And this woman was singing my song
    Lovers in love and the other's run away
    Lover is crying 'cause the other won't stay”

    Killing the volume, I listened instead to the engine as it menaced Eddie Dowling’s snow dusted blacktop.

    Taking an exit north to 95, I aimed that Guinea Batmobile back towards Boston.

    Back towards her.

  2. #2
    Very visceral. I like that you really put the reader in the scene. Good stuff.

  3. #3
    This is filled with wonderful and inspiring writing! I want more, please.

    Quote Originally Posted by BostonsOwn View Post
    In that instant, I became acutely aware I was suffocating. Great opening line.

    My vision blurred by the plastic they wrapped me in...I struggled and somehow, tore open the tarp with my teeth. <- Stark and visceral. Others may have just written they tore open the plastic but you used his teeth. Love it The wet autumn air tasted of leaves and burning firewood. <- This is TOP NOTCH. I love the fact you've gone with a sense that wouldn't ordinarily be associated with this scene and especially love what you've chosen for that sense. Inspired!

    Kicking, I tore a foot through the plastic, my lungs burning from the sudden reintroduction of oxygen, <- again with the incredible flair I made my way through the rest; rolling exhausted, gasping on the asphalt. <- you throw down words so confidently and as the reader I pick that up immediately.

    It wasn’t long before he came back, only to stumble back at the sight of me.

    “You? How the fuck ..”

    I imagine sometimes that the last thing he saw was his left eye...as the crowbar’s claw tore his right eye from his temple. <- I'm not keen on this. Did he see his left eye with his right eye? It needs a rethink.

    “Was it worth it?” I asked mockingly as he folded into himself like a wet cardboard box. <- Love it, love it, love it!

    Aldo always walked heavy and tonight was no exception. I took the revolver out of his jacket...along with the speed loaders and the keys to his car.

    I rolled him up in the same tarp and as I dragged him off the road, his shoe fell off...well, I wouldn’t call it so much a shoe as I would an embarrassment. <- I would lose this and continue the sentence with the sentence below. You'd have to rejig it slightly.

    What kind of wiseguy...no, what kind of man wears fucking Crocs? Fucking purple Crocs at that?

    “A fucking dead guy,”I laughed.

    I took a long drag from a cigarette and closed my eyes....I was drained but at the same time, exhilarated.

    Yeah, you’re right. Come on, I know you’re thinking it. Yes. It was just like sex. Fuck you for judging.

    Anyway...

    I found the Cadillac just over the hill and turned the engine over. He left the stereo on...full blast from when I was in the trunk....pure fucking nausea:

    “So I, I turned the radio on,
    I turned the radio up
    And this woman was singing my song
    Lovers in love and the other's run away
    Lover is crying 'cause the other won't stay”

    Killing the volume, I listened instead to the engine as it menaced Eddie Dowling’s snow dusted blacktop. <- Just ... superb.

    Taking an exit north to 95, I aimed that Guinea Batmobile back towards Boston.

    Back towards her.

  4. #4
    A nice gritty shortie. Makes me think of one those Martin Scorsese crime films.

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