Of Schrodinger And Of Cats{possible short story}


Results 1 to 8 of 8

Thread: Of Schrodinger And Of Cats{possible short story}

  1. #1

    Of Schrodinger And Of Cats{possible short story}

    I have not worked on this story very long. only no longer than three hours maybe but I thought I'd share it to get opinions. it is extremely early not even first draft test concept territory but I like to think I can make a three chapter story out of it. It's name is of Schrodinger and of cats. thank you for your feed back if you have any...

    p.s. I got all the spelling errors I could but there maybe a few more. thank you for your patience.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------
    Chapter One:
    Germany 2 years after ww1
    Eric von Schrodinger lay on the ground in the middle of the rain storm. He his vision coming to. As a man in a brown business suit and bowler hat checks on him.
    “You seem okay. But did you find twinkle.” the man said as he sat up.
    “Twinkle. You mean that darn cat that stole our invention.” Eric asked.
    The man got frustrated but as the ran fell on the Eric hushed him before he could fuse him out. “Hush. I hear it. Twinkle is nearby Dr. Albert. I believe if we.” Eric said and then suddenly stopped to listen.
    “We what?” He man said as Eric got a worried look on his face. “Come on. We what? Where do you hear the cat?” he said as Eric got a worried look on his face. “Darn it are you going to answer me or are you going to let our invention do god knows what to twinkle. So if you don’t mind. Tell me where you hear the darn cat.” he angry said as the rain let up and the sky clouds parted.
    “You will not believe this. I hear the cat. In my head? From the center of my mind. As if I am one with it now.” Eric offered as Albert raised one eyebrow and then fell onto his but in shock.
    “Now that’s some trauma I don’t even think a shrink could cure.” Albert offered as the cat’s meowing can be heard by both of them now.
    ---------------------------------------
    Three hours earlier.
    A black long hard Persian cat pawed at Eric's face as he slept in his lab. A knock came from the door.
    “You awake. Let me in. I swear I got to take m shift now.`` Albert offered as Eric sat up and rubbed his beard stubble as he yawned. He sat in front of a glowing blue diamond that wiggled for a second like water and went back to its regular form. It sat i a glass box as it turned black for a second absorbing some of the nearby light and then turned back light glowing blue. He stood and stretched as Albert got frustrated and banged on the door.
    “Good, it's stable. Eric said as he stumbled his way across the large lab grabbing his coat from a chair as Albert grew inpatient.
    “Darn It. Have you been sleeping on the job. Albert said as Eric made his way to the door and opened it only to see Albert angry scowl.
    “Darn man. I swear you think I didn’t just invent the last invention we would ever need to invent.” Eric offered as Albert walked in frustrated, look on his face and all.
    “And while we are at it. Do you think it’s safe to have twinkle sleep near the singularity like that. If it touched it. Lord knows what would happen. Can’t say I’d let such a thing happen but if it did with something that powerful and that unstable. It may kill it. It would be worse if it lived. I think you should take the cat home. I swear if our boss didn’t let you get away with such things.” Albert threatened as Eric rolled his eyes.
    “I hear you but for one this secret lab gets lonely. We are the only two allowed in here and two if the cat did touch the singularity, which is stable as of this moment by the way. It would be both alive and dead. Ether why it’s still in its protective case. Twinkle couldn’t even get into it. It’s a cat. It can’t unlock quantum barriers.`` Eric rolled his eyes as Albert shook his head.
    “What?” Eric asked as Albert grunted.
    After this the building began to shake as Albert and Eric granted something to keep from falling. “I am guessing that would be the building of the new engine.” Eric said as Albert nodded.
    After the shaking stopped, Albert sprinted toward the table and leapt through the air saving the glowing singularity and it;’s case from crashing into the floor.Eric looked shocked as Albert stood and placed the case back on the table.
    “Good but will it remain stable? That is the question.’ Albert said as he walked away. As he did the lights grew dimb and Eric grabbed onto a nearby support. Eric grabbed one as well as the singularity rose off the table and devoured its case. The everything in the room started sliding towards the the singularity as it turned black. Eric and Albert were being pulled toward the black not as the held on for deer life.
    “After a few seconds the cat flew across the room and collided with the singularity as the two spun around each other as if they were orbiting plants.
    “You see I told you.” Albert said as. The cat and the singularity collide and then combine. Waves of clear energy. Move through the room as the gravity returns to normal.
    The cat disappeared.

    striding and swagering rootlessness with out end the precious flow of life.

  2. #2
    There are errors there that the spell check won't detect. The writing has improved in the sense of the fact it fits in a genre and has its conventions. It's not based on anime. I will go over the errors later as my computer was borrowed by my mother to do some work. She had to drive 2 hours to meet up with a client. Supposedly she is on her way home. I will give some advice maybe and critique on the substance or plot of the story. I know grammar is getting in the way of telling the story. My advice is to let a document rest whenever you make changes. Have someone read it. I don't have this available to me since only one person that has the skills and time to read my work never has time to do so since has ian important job.

    I might be purchasing a composition and rhetoric book this afternoon on the kindle. So if I have any useful suggestions I will try to help in this regard.

    Expect me to post another post much later. If not today tomorrow since there's some work that needs to get started on the computer. Since the story is short I can make some notes on how I would improve the grammar. Some educators recommend dark blue font with a cream-colored background with character spacing ( this can come with Microsoft Word but I don't know how much). I like dsylex since it automatically includes character spacing.

    I think you definitely are a person with special needs. Because some mistakes are extremely obvious to someone like me. But I think dictation would solve all the spelling mistakes. With a program like ginger or prowriting aid you could solve the rest. Some tips. I hope you like the idea of using a cream-colored background with the character spacing and 14 point font for dyslexia such as Dsylex which is what I mean by special needs. There are many recommendations to help you write better. But you have to try it out to find out what works best for you.

    Just a small note. The book I am purchasing says invention is a form of borrowing. That is you get inspiration from other writers. It is on composition and rhetoric. So if you read another writer you can always try an imitation of published works. I will explain how but give me some time. I am typing on a kindle fire. I need to use a computer keyboard. On a kindle fire I cant my point out all the "obvious mistakes". That will be when my mother returns home with the computer keyboard. The rhetoric advice will be posted after I point out the mistakes and give feedback.
    Last edited by Theglasshouse; September 27th, 2020 at 10:41 PM.
    I would follow as in believe in the words of good moral leaders. Rather than the beliefs of oneself.
    The most difficult thing for a writer to comprehend is to experience silence, so speak up. (quoted from a member)

  3. #3
    ty.. my mom is thinking about using some f my money that I usually save for an English grammar course. Of course, it does help that I hit the sweet spot when I wrote this,, right between crashing over hypomania and not being depressed into bed. so double bonus for doing t with a level mind/motivation level/mood....
    striding and swagering rootlessness with out end the precious flow of life.

  4. #4
    Eric von Schrodinger lay on the ground in the middle of the rain storm. (one word) He his vision coming to (needs to be a complete idea to be considered a sentence and is a fragment, he and his cannot be next to each other). As a man in a brown business suit and bowler hat checks on him. (simple past checked)
    “You seem okay. But did you find twinkle.” the man said as he sat up.
    “Twinkle. You mean that darn cat that stole our invention (?).” Eric asked. (question mark) (did it swallow the invention?)
    The man got frustrated but as the ran fell on the Eric hushed him before he could fuse him out. “Hush. I hear it. Twinkle is nearby Dr. Albert. I believe if we.” Eric said and then suddenly stopped to listen.
    “We what?” He man (the man) said as Eric got a worried look on his face. “Come on. We what? Where do you hear the cat?” he said as Eric got a worried look on his face. “Darn it are you going to answer me or are you going to let our invention do god knows what to twinkle. So if you don’t mind. Tell me where you hear the darn cat.” he angry said as the rain let up and the sky clouds parted.
    “You will not believe this. I hear the cat. In my head? From the center of my mind. As if I am one with it now.” Eric offered as Albert raised one eyebrow and then fell onto his but in shock.
    “Now that’s some trauma I don’t even think a shrink could cure.” Albert offered as the cat’s meowing can be heard by both of them now. (why does he hear the cat in his head?)
    ---------------------------------------
    Three hours earlier.
    A black long hard (I would describe a persian cat as soft) Persian cat pawed at Eric's face as he slept in his lab. A knock came from the door.
    “You awake. Let me in. I swear I got to take m(this m is a typo I will assume) shift now.`` Albert offered as Eric sat up and rubbed his beard stubble as he yawned. He sat in front of a glowing blue diamond that wiggled for a second like water and went back to its regular form. It sat i a glass box as it turned black for a second absorbing some of the nearby light and then turned back light glowing blue. He stood and stretched as Albert got frustrated and banged on the door.
    “Good, it's stable. Eric said as he stumbled his way across the large lab grabbing his coat from a chair as Albert grew inpatient.
    “Darn It. Have you been sleeping on the job. Albert said as Eric made his way to the door and opened it only to see Albert angry scowl.
    “Darn man. I swear you think I didn’t just invent the last invention we would ever need to invent.” Eric offered as Albert walked in frustrated, look on his face and all.
    “And while we are at it. Do you think it’s safe to have twinkle (twinkle is a name so it goes in capital) sleep near the singularity like that. If it touched it. Lord knows what would happen. Can’t say I’d let such a thing happen but if it did with something that powerful and that unstable. It may kill it. It would be worse if it lived. I think you should take the cat home. I swear if our boss didn’t let you get away with such things.” Albert threatened as Eric rolled his eyes.
    “I hear you but for one this secret lab gets lonely. We are the only two allowed in here and two if the cat did touch the singularity, which is stable as of this moment by the way. It would be both alive and dead. Ether why it’s still in its protective case. Twinkle couldn’t even get into it. It’s a cat. It can’t unlock quantum barriers.`` Eric rolled his eyes as Albert shook his head.
    “What?” Eric asked as Albert grunted.
    After this the building began to shake as Albert and Eric granted something to keep from falling. “I am guessing that would be the building of the new engine.” Eric said as Albert nodded.
    After the shaking stopped, Albert sprinted toward the table and leapt through the air saving the glowing singularity and it;’s (its) case from crashing into the floor.Eric looked shocked as Albert stood and placed the case back on the table.
    “Good but will it remain stable? That is the question.’ Albert said as he walked away. As he did the lights grew dimb (dim) and Eric grabbed onto a nearby support. Eric grabbed one as well as the singularity (what is singularity?) rose off the table and devoured its case. The (then) everything in the room started sliding towards the the (eliminate 1 the since you have 2) singularity as it turned black. Eric and Albert were being pulled toward the black not as the held on for deer (dear) life.
    “After a few seconds the cat flew across the room and collided with the singularity as the two spun around each other as if they were orbiting plants.
    “You see I told you.” Albert said as. The cat and the singularity collide and then combine. Waves of clear energy. Move through the room as the gravity returns to normal.
    The cat disappeared.

    I suggest you get a better spellchecker than word. What software did you use? Right now for long documents I am trying dictation and prowriting aid (monthly subscirption with discount). I also have been using this software called spell ex write comprehensive english which costs 99.95. I own medialexie. Spellex uses dyslex font which helps me.

    I think the plot is taking shape. As I said you can try dictation one day. After you write something. You can speak, and it will spell everything perfectly. Then have someone read it or check it with ginger, grammarly, pro writing aid, etc.

    Here the plot can take different directions. Schrödinger's cat is an old trope. You could say I understood the plot because there is an event. The cat swallows or somehow took off with their invention. This reminds me of the cat's cradle premise by Kurt Vonnegut. You can take some inspiration from that if you wish. Even though it's preferable to read the book read a summary if you want. If you will it was an idea Heinlein gave to Kurt Vonnegut or so it's been said. The cat is dead or alive? I remember a writer on here writing he wanted to make a human version of the story. For cliches you need to reverse expectations if possible. But there you have it. That's what I think.

    I am disappointed to say that the book I thought would help is of no use which is meant for teachers.

    My recommendations.

    If you make these mistakes often I would resort to using dictation. I would buy it used on eBay. Then I would get a cheap microphone that is recommended by someone you know. The cheapest microphone I can think of is the blue yeti. If your birthday is close or Christmas save up for it. I would not save it for a grammar course unless your mother thinks it's a problem that has to do with grammar.
    I think it's probably a problem that you can't spell as well as you want. Plus dictation makes you work faster. You don't have to take my advice. It is for your consideration. A used blue yeti could work if the seller has some good feedback.
    I would follow as in believe in the words of good moral leaders. Rather than the beliefs of oneself.
    The most difficult thing for a writer to comprehend is to experience silence, so speak up. (quoted from a member)

  5. #5
    ty.. The only problem with dictation is the funny names... I tried it once but it could never get my names like Lanyle, Plaison, or skalesha quiet right. plus i always struggle with spelling them myself but I will look into it. I am getting a microphone for another reason.. heck I used to do rifftrax.com. So I am no stranger to using one. I just ot to figure out how to get funny names or maybe up words without having to add them to the dictionary.. worst offender is torchette. pronounce like torch-chet.... I used google chrome for spell checking for now. ty I am trying to set up a story well.. so severting the cliché. so double truth there. lol.
    striding and swagering rootlessness with out end the precious flow of life.

  6. #6
    That explains it. Using Google Chrome as a spellchecker is a problem. I depend a lot on software. Dictation is something I am trying since for very long stories reading out loud my sentences is a hassle. So I am dictating future stories except for one, which has been pretty difficult for me to get correct or get right. When you dictate you have less editing to do. However I read it mutiple times. I plan to reread it for two more days.

    It's currently at for example 4400 words. I tried my best to correct it. I dont want to toss it away.

    Reading out loud your work I read allows you to catch repetition and to know if it is incoherent.

    That's why I would get the best spellchecker possible to check what you dictate. What you dictate is not 100% accurate. Maybe on an iphone it is using a program not dragon that will get you a 100% correct dictation. I cannot afford such but mine is close to over 90-99. Assuming there is not much noise.

    If you tried dictation maybe the microphone wasn't the right one. The one I own I bought on my birthday. I would try to get the best one I could afford and that is quality (most accurate and that has built in noise cancellation and that does not use your computer's soundchip). A lot of people tend to spend little to do that. But Christmas is around the corner.

    I respect your decisions. Just be careful is all I will say with how you write (with that I mean to say if you dont invest enough then maybe you could write with mistakes). It requires you invest in it. Good luck. I sincerely think it will help you. My zoo story didn't get rejected outright. I am waiting for more days after the 6 days since was held for further consideration but that does not mean accepted. That I did with dictation but I used a very bad grammar and spell checker (grammarly for free which doesn't detect everything- I had a quotation that was missing and another mistake). I think there are discounts for prowriting aid if you search google and select monthly subscription. If my math is right that might cost me 12 dollars with a coupon.

    I had it workshopped too. But the mistake was slight but I managed to correct it on that manuscript. I can write anything normal except for a story. Sentences come naturally to me in an essay, but not so for stories.

    BTW I recommed spellex since it might make it easier to see the font when you read out loud. It's a lot of work and I have to spend the money that I get. But I want to do something with my free time.
    Last edited by Theglasshouse; September 28th, 2020 at 01:44 AM.
    I would follow as in believe in the words of good moral leaders. Rather than the beliefs of oneself.
    The most difficult thing for a writer to comprehend is to experience silence, so speak up. (quoted from a member)

  7. #7
    Next to none of the sentences are free from error by syntax. I suggest you read up on how to use punctuation, as well as how to spell correctly.
    Here are some examples:
    "Germany 2 years after ww1"
    " He his vision coming to"
    " As he did the lights grew dimb"
    "Eric and Albert were being pulled toward the black not as the held on for deer life."
    Further more, when writing a quotation one must end a sentence that would normally end with a period instead with a comma. Merely pasting this into word would show the mistakes, the amount of which being to large to mention individually.

  8. #8
    I didn't read out loud and just read and since I have dyslexia couldn't see the syntax mistakes. I think dictating a story will fix the syntax. In my experience it could work since I assume Kunox can communicate (speak)with perfect syntax.
    Last edited by Theglasshouse; October 15th, 2020 at 06:02 PM.
    I would follow as in believe in the words of good moral leaders. Rather than the beliefs of oneself.
    The most difficult thing for a writer to comprehend is to experience silence, so speak up. (quoted from a member)

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
This website uses cookies
We use cookies to store session information to facilitate remembering your login information, to allow you to save website preferences, to personalise content and ads, to provide social media features and to analyse our traffic. We also share information about your use of our site with our social media, advertising and analytics partners.