July


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Thread: July

  1. #1

    July

    <<<<<This one is pretty short and sweet, and I usually write in free verse. Let me know your thoughts!>>>>>>>>>

    Orange twists and lemon pie

    Something sweet like summertime
    Sun-baked sunscreen and whiskey rye
    I wish we could do this all the time

    But the sun goes down and the grass turns brown
    The moonlight shines and the air gets cold
    The music plays while we go around
    Watching each one of us grow old

    We wake up with our throats so dry
    We chug our water like it’s a crime
    We pack our bags and with a sigh
    We laugh and say “until next time”

    Orange twists and lemon pie
    I say goodbye to you, July.



  2. #2
    Brooke,
    This poem is sweet! Reminds me a little bit of "Marigolds and Tangerines" by Bobbie Gentry. (It's a song, in case you were wondering).

    Due to the poem, overall, being kindly; it may be percieved as kitsch. I want the sweat and salt of July with all it's sweetness, too. Yes, this is hinted at in the second and third stanzas-- but they still retain a child-like rhythm; perhaps this is your intent.
    I certainly would love to try that lemon pie of yours!

  3. #3
    From a reader's standpoint, the quatrain birhyme is a bit overdone and in places comes across as forced. e.g. Chug water like it's a crime, is one of the more notable ones. The rhyme itself detracts from what could be charming. For example...

    S1, L2

    Consider removing the rhyme and allowing the piece to flow.

    e.g.

    Orange twists and lemon pie
    luscious, summertime sweet

    By removing the rhyme the context has more chance to support its own weight. With the rhyme it is grossly encumbered. The opening refrain works well because it is bright and inviting.


    Also, be aware of word redundancies.

    e.g.

    S1, L3

    sun baked sun screen...this is giving the reader a sun burn from the reiterations.

    consider...

    the sun-baked pained for want of zinc
    smelling of coconuts and whiskey rye.

    Second stanza jumps from a brief window of time, July to all the days in a lifetime and back. Micro, marco, micro...on a cliched topic, which does not really support the tone of the prior or latter stanzas. Summer nights have all kinds of sensory imput, consider starting there, with just one night. Consider implying time, but without the cliche of we all grow old...use colour, touch, smell, taste, sound, subtle indications in the environment that make the world tangible, enjoyable.

    e.g.

    Evening tucks in an age of soft light
    while fireflies rise from seas of green
    grasses edging to gold summer ripe

    The pronoun surfeit in S3 also needs to be taken into consideration.

    Seven pronouns in four lines is overkill. Think outside the box and let the context support the who...(we)

    We woke, throats like sand
    pack the old cooler on a sigh
    Orange twists and lemon pie
    hello August, so long July.

    The idea of the piece, the bright summer spirit is there, but the execution falls short because of an overwork rhyme scheme and stilted word choice, which seems to be a direct result of the rhyme scheme.

    Consider the line: I wish we could do this all the time.

    Not exactly setting the creative world of poetry alight and it seems like the mundane lines like this are directly related to an inflexible rhyme scheme. Trying reading aloud, see if that doesn't offer some perspective. Bring your voice to the table and lose the rhyme. Rhyme is a tool that has a habit of hindering more writers than it helps, use it carefully. Throw a boppy summer earworm hit on the ipod and jam out. See what happens when words are actually allowed to splash in the pool. Aim for sweet, but be aware that it is a thin line between sweet and cloying.

    - D.
    Last edited by Darkkin; May 30th, 2020 at 01:21 PM.


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