The Bunny Man of the Woods (short story 580 words)


Results 1 to 7 of 7

Thread: The Bunny Man of the Woods (short story 580 words)

  1. #1

    The Bunny Man of the Woods (short story 580 words)

    Well, I just wrote a quick short story about a killer bunny man due to (1) boredom, (2) seeing how short I can write a story, and (3) experimenting with horror elements. I did get a little hung up about word-length (I put a max of 600 words when writing) so I shaved off some of the descriptions which I probably shouldn't have. :p

    Well, tell me what y'all think. Anything I can improve on in the horror/description element? Any feedback is appreciated. :3
    -----------------------------
    Noel Simeon sauntered down the road in his denim jeans and American-flag adorned tank top. The nippy air bit at his skin. He cursed, not for the first time, the fact he forgot his jacket. Don’t forget that shit, dumbass! he had told himself, yet that was exactly what he had done. Sometimes he wondered why he bothered.
    As he went around the bend, he realized he had stepped into a thicket of woods. The paved sidewalk had turned into a dusty, dirt road. Clearly it hadn’t been used in a long time. Curiosity getting the best of him, he went down this road.

    The road continued for a ways, the weed getting thicker and thicker. He had to step over fallen logs, boulders, and push fallen branches out of the way. The light was getting dim, the canopy was blocking the sun. He fumbled for his iPhone and turned on the built-in flashlight, shown it forward.

    The road continued even deeper into the woods until he encountered a strange pile of rocks. For a brief moment he thought it resembled the poop emoji and almost broke into laughter, but then saw the moss and tree branch growing from the top. What a weird thing this is.

    A movement. He turned around. Nothing could be seen through the trees. Rustling behind him. He turned again. Okay, chill out big guy. Probably a deer. Noel swallowed, ignored the tugging panic in his stomach. He turned from the rock and walked a few paces until he saw it.

    Hunched over a dead wolf carcass was a giant Easter bunny. Or more specifically, someone in a worn, tattered Easter bunny costume. The once vibrant pink paws had lost their luster and were covered in blood. One of the giant blue eyes was missing, exposing the pink fuzz below.

    Noel should’ve ran right then, but he was rooted in the ground, unable to process what he was seeing. Then, he was spotted.

    “Fresh prey!” The deranged bunny-man raised his axe, a blood-curdling laughter emitted from the mask. Noel grabbed a nearby rock and chucked it at the bunny-man. It hit its mark. The bunny-man stumbled backward, cradled his head before regaining his composure. “Now you make-a me mad!”

    Shit! Noel sprinted. His blood pulsed in his ear as he tore through the thicket.

    Pat, pat, pat, pat, pat The bunny-man was coming up behind him. Noel looked this way and that. Every tree, every bush looked exactly the same. Fuck! Which way? He had no time to think as the pattering feet came closer and closer. He picked a direction and ran for it, only to stop close to the edge of a steep drop that ran down to a creek. He turned around, saw the silhouette of bunny ears.

    “Here comes Bunny-Foo-Foo,” the bunny-man was singing, “coming for your stoo-stoo!”

    Stoo-stoo? Noel gritted his teeth, looked down. Despite fear chewing his insides, he jumped.

    Pain exploded in his ankle, shooting up every nerve and muscle fiber in his leg. He howled, heard laughter from above. He tried to move his foot, only to have a second wave of pain rack him so much he vomited. His foot was broken.

    Noel forced his teary eyes open. The bunny-man was directly above him, the mammoth head cocked to one side. He thought of his jacket again.

    And the weapon he could’ve used in the pocket.

    Fuck. Me.

    The bunny-man raised the axe and brought it down.

  2. #2
    It's amusing but I have a few questions you will have to answer sooner or later by showing maybe and not telling maybe. Who is the bunny man and why does he kill people? Why is he called the bunny man? Why is he deranged? Is there a reason for attacking him? Is there a reason for finding him? What is the world where this takes place? Answer the who, what, when, where, and how. These are some of those wh questions? Why is the character wearing clothes described to have symbols of the American flag? Is it important and why?

    You don't have to answer all the questions but it will leave some room for you to imagine more of the story. This actually expands the story. As you answer the questions your story could seem more presentable and complex. Supposedly stephen king does this a lot as a writing exercise.

    I know writing is more complex. Is this character brave and foolish for instance? Does he increase his reputation by saving people? What if he saved someone once from a serial killer? Things like that.
    Last edited by Theglasshouse; May 16th, 2020 at 12:16 AM.
    I would follow as in believe in the words of good moral leaders. Rather than the beliefs of oneself.
    The most difficult thing for a writer to comprehend is to experience silence, so speak up. (quoted from a member)

  3. #3
    Member hvysmker's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2014
    Location
    Fremont, Ohio USA
    Posts
    709
    Blog Entries
    2
    Seems like a complete story to me. Al the elements are there. I can form my own conclusion. Flash fiction is expected to force a reader to use their imagination.

  4. #4
    I like this story a lot. There's still the opportunity to cut to make it pacier, though.

    I suggest you could take out the red without losing any impact:
    Noel Simeon sauntered down the road in his denim jeans and American-flag adorned tank top. The nippy air bit at his skin. He cursed, not for the first time, the fact he forgot his jacket. Don’t forget that shit, dumbass! he had told himself, yet that was exactly what he had done. Sometimes he wondered why he bothered.

    "As he went around the bend, he realized he had stepped into a thicket of woods. The paved sidewalk had turned into a dusty, dirt road. Clearly it hadn’t been used in a long time. Curiosity getting the best of him, he went down this road."
    I'd have liked a reason he was wandering around instead of curiosity.

    I think also it would work really well in present tense.

    If I had written what you wrote and was going back to edit I'd do this:

    "Don’t forget that shit, dumbass! Noel Simeon curses himself for forgetting his jacket again. The nippy air bites his skin through his American-flag tank top and jeans. He rounds into a thicket of woods where the sidewalk breaking down into a dirt road, trying to find a shortcut back home to get his jacket. Worth a shot."

    104 words down to 57

  5. #5
    Very readable but short on content.

    Why is he in the woods? Is he mushroom collecting, digging for truffles, collecting mistletoe, hunting for rabbits?

    Substitute Noel Simeon for the Gamekeeper, or the archaeologist, or the butcher or the taxidermist. Any one of those would add to the story and indicate what kind of person he is, with no word increase. Nobody cares what his name is.

    “Now you make-a me mad!” an Italian Bunny? I like it. More please.

    “Here comes Bunny-Foo-Foo,” the bunny-man was singing, “coming for your stoo-stoo!”

    Missed opportunity?

    “Here come-a- Bunny-a-Foo-Foo,” the bunny-man was singing, “‘Put a you in the-a- stew-stew’
    “Here comes-a-Bunny-a-Foo-Foo,” the bunny-man was singing, “Jumpin’ up out de-a-stew-stew ‘

    And the weapon he could’ve used in the pocket. A lettuce?

    Pulled that one out of the bag! It needs a connection to the earlier jacket reference. If we knew his profession, we might not need a description of the weapon
    As hvysmoker says, flash fiction asks you to fill in the blanks, it’s half expected the reader will re-read…if there is enough content. However, I don't think it's a complete story. No ham in the sandwich.

    Just saying…qwerty.
    Last edited by qwertyman; June 24th, 2020 at 12:25 PM.

  6. #6
    Good premise. Quick and easy to follow. I would say to immerse the reader a little in to the POV. Maybe some more quick sensory descriptions? Common for horror. Maybe even hearing some singing before he knows where or who its coming from?

  7. #7
    I found this a good read The Green Shield. I don't have a problem with details, length etc. As a flash fiction with a 600 word limit, there's only so much you can do/explain.

    Earlier comments have addressed some of the unnecessary words you can cut out to make it slicker.


    I agree with qwertyman, an Italian man in a bunny suit works for me too.

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
This website uses cookies
We use cookies to store session information to facilitate remembering your login information, to allow you to save website preferences, to personalise content and ads, to provide social media features and to analyse our traffic. We also share information about your use of our site with our social media, advertising and analytics partners.