Readjustment - A mind of clay

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Thread: Readjustment - A mind of clay

  1. #1

    Readjustment - A mind of clay

    Clocks stop ticking and kill the beat
    Lighting up a head full of dreams
    Time to make all those words concrete!
    And put rebar in my schemes

    So stricken by an implacable expanse
    I put my sights above the stars
    Digging holes, perchance?
    No, I say!
    I need the shovel to build that far

    ...pungent sweetness has settled in the air
    The old condor lounges contently on the shelf
    Eagerly I take the pickings he shares
    Not realising I'm eating myself

    ...white pages are painted with regret
    The fan tangles the covers discreetly
    But in silence maybe I'll learn to accept
    What it takes to disappear completely

    ...a dream echoes through my skin, from the depths of resignation
    A newborn in all its intoxicating animation
    A shaft of light greeting me through the tearing drapes
    And just for another day, I find it in me to stay awake

    ...saving worms from the pavement
    After a rainy day
    The laughter of birdsong slowly relents
    As the mud turns to clay

    But beneath the shell still seeps with life
    As things return how they used to be
    And I ask the jay before he takes flight
    If he'd spend some time with me
    Last edited by Solus; April 23rd, 2020 at 02:07 PM. Reason: Poor formatting

    I'd like to think I'm actually a nice person in real life

  2. #2
    Sorry I haven't a clue or the key to find the hidden meaning

  3. #3
    No need to feel sorry about that. I've experimented quite a lot with this one, and was unable to figure out how to make it understandable to the reader while still implementing the ideas that I wanted to try out. That is a fault on my part.

    If you wish to read the poem unaltered by my personal views of it, don't read further than this.


    Think of this as a person adjusting to changes in their life; when everything stays the same he/she doesn't change, but when the metaphorical rain comes nothing is certain anymore, something which due to my life experiences is presented rather darkly. The "..." signifies passage of time, and the different stanzas are the different stages that the person goes through. The reason this is so hard to understand (maybe impossible?) is because this was my attempt to stop telling the reader how they should feel. Letting go of the poem so to speak. I also tried to avoid the blatantly abstract, all of which has resulted in this mess . Hopefully my next creation will be a bit more coherent, as well as actually sticking to these ideals.

    I'd like to think I'm actually a nice person in real life

  4. #4
    yes, introspective poetry...
    there's a lot of it about! - until the poetry boards resemble nothing less
    than self-indulgent therapy.

    and a difficult subject to engage the reader-
    where concepts are vague - and the imagery only has real meaning for the author.

    and this one is over-stretched - with various descriptions that don't really nail the emotion
    or resolve the ideas.

    yes, there is some nice imagery and turns of phrase - but the metaphors have to be universal
    in order to connect with the reader - not that easy!

    the writing needs attention - some of the phrasing is rather confusing -

    and you should give the lines a bit of poetic flair - simple stuff- like

    I put my sights above the stars = I aim my sight beyond the stars

    as you imply, you've got this one off your chest - addressed to yourself
    and I can only suggest you now look beyond...
    for often, in unexpected places, your own reflections can be more naturally expressed.
    (pure poetry!)

    just my thoughts.............ned
    Last edited by ned; April 27th, 2020 at 12:49 PM.

  5. #5
    The toucan fits you Ned.

    Nonetheless, I just wanted to ask what you mean by "resolve the ideas"? I find myself unable to understand that point.

    But as always, sharp criticism.
    Last edited by Solus; April 27th, 2020 at 05:52 PM.

    I'd like to think I'm actually a nice person in real life

  6. #6
    'sharp criticism' - I like that Solus...

    resolve the ideas - each verse seems to be a based on a separate idea - therefore, the final line of each verse
    is the resolution to that idea - before moving on to the next idea.

    so far, so good

    but sometimes, the final line seems to be a departure - disconnected....
    and hence, for the reader, the idea is not resolved.

    PS - haven't got a clue what your avatar is!...............

  7. #7
    Ah, then I think I get it. Especially the last stanza suffers from that methinks, but the the rest of the poem is no masterpiece either so whatever.

    As to what my avatar is, it's a wizard of some kind. The idea is more important than the specifics, but I've always imagined him as a sort of storyteller that narrates my writing trials (and errors).

    I'd like to think I'm actually a nice person in real life


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