The Meeting


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Thread: The Meeting

  1. #1

    The Meeting

    With TS Eliot in the hot April sun.
    The open-mouthed red tulips
    nodding to the rhythm of words
    that dance on the syrup of birdsong.

    A fly appears on the open page,
    prodding at words to extract their taste,
    he finds his place in the warmth of white
    of the sun-bright edge of the book.

    As I read on, he grooms his wings
    and I wait for him to fly.
    Then, almost imperceptible,
    but not quite undetectable,
    he dips his head to sleep.

    I try to return to Eliot’s words
    but the breeze, the flowers and song
    entice me into a slip and a slide
    in the scented air to doze
    together, we three.

    Last edited by jenthepen; June 17th, 2020 at 04:37 PM. Reason: correction of spelling

  2. #2
    hello J the P - long time no spiel,

    and it's great you are still writing your peculiar poetry,
    that always seems to touch on a beautiful warm place.

    this one goes straight to the heart of it...

    suggestions-

    on the syrup = in the syrup
    appears - jumps out - perchance imagery - dances, flexes etc?
    don't genderise the fly, I think...

    dips his head - a stretch too far? - I think they just stand still to sleep - maybe express that?

    love the last verse - yet....

    in the scented air to doze. - methinks 'in the dozy air to ....... - something sleep induced.

    enjoyed...............ned


  3. #3
    Ha, I'll treasure that one,Ned - peculiar poetry. I might use it in my CV.

    Thanks for taking the time to read and also for the suggestions. I'll consider them as I work on this one. I'm not completely satisfied with it so we'll see where I can go with it.

  4. #4
    ha! - sorry Jen, 'peculiar poetry' yes,
    meant in the best possible taste
    all the same, a nice phrase I've wasted on a crit!


    while I'm here -the title is a bit boring - it doesn't really draw the reader in...

    go for a foreign phrase that means the same thing - always sounds profound

    cheers................ned
    Last edited by ned; April 22nd, 2020 at 10:24 PM.

  5. #5
    Thanks, Ned. I guess you're thinking of rendezvous but that is an agreed meeting with a set time and place which doesn't quite fit here. Not only that, the modern mangled version of the word is rendevu (which I hasten to add, I only just discovered) turns out to be an app for sex workers!

    I agree, the title is pretty lame - leave it with me.

  6. #6

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by jenthepen View Post
    With TS Elliot in the hot April sun.
    The open-mouthed red tulips
    nodding to the rhythm of words
    that dance on the syrup of birdsong.

    A fly appears on the open page,
    prodding at words to extract their taste,
    he finds his place in the warmth of white
    of the sun-bright edge of the book.

    As I read on, he grooms his wings
    and I wait for him to fly.
    Then, almost imperceptible,
    but not quite undetectable,
    he dips his head to sleep.

    I try to return to Elliot’s words
    but the breeze, the flowers and song
    entice me into a slip and a slide
    in the scented air to doze
    together, we three.

    Deliciously languorous, lazy and dreamy, the perfect setting made surreal with your elegant imagery... "open mouthed red tulips" Fabulous imagery... I will always see my tulips this way....
    lulled to dream by Elliot's poetry.... I think he would be pleased, and the fly? Well for a while he was more than a mere fly... perhaps....

    enchanting... delightful...

    Thank you...
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  8. #8
    That afternoon was a little oasis of calm in the middle of this scary pandemic lockdown and it felt so good to take in all the normalty of the garden. Thank you for the read and your wonderful comments. You always manage to get right into the heart of my poems and I'm pleased that the sleepiness of the feeling came through - it still makes my eyes droop when I read it! lol

  9. #9
    With TS Elliot in the hot April sun.
    The open-mouthed red tulips

    nodding to the rhythm of words
    that dance on the syrup of birdsongs.


    A fly appearsalights on the open page,

    prodding at words to extract their taste,

    he finds his placemeal in the warmth of white

    of the sun-bright edge of the book.


    As I read on, he grooms his wings maybe flip this line: He grooms his wings as I read on.
    andas I wait for him to fly.
    Then, almost imperceptible,
    but not quite undetectable,
    he dips his head to sleep.


    I try to return to Elliotís words
    but the breeze, the flowers and song
    entice me into a slip and a slide
    in the scented air to doze

    together, we three. I like this stanza, heck I like the whole poem!



    Greetings Jenn. A very nice poem, and I enjoyed how you made a fly the star. The light airy nature and relaxing flow was very enjoyable. Just a few suggestions.
    "Illegitimi non carborundum " Vinegar' Joe Stilwell

    "Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase." Martin Luther King Jr.

    What you learn in life is important, those you help learn, are more important.

    "They can because they think they can."
    ​Virgil

    "Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools will speak to say something." Plato

    "The only difference between reality and fiction is that fiction needs to be credible."
    ​ Mark Twain

    "To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States." George W. Bush



  10. #10
    Thanks, Pel. I like the suggestion to flip the order of words in the in the 9th line - that works really well. Also, leaving the final line to stand alone emphasises the feeling of togethernes which I was trying to capture with the title. Your other points are interesting too and I'll consider them as I work on this one. Thanks for the read and the input.

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