Love Song


Results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: Love Song

  1. #1
    Member petergrimes's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2020
    Location
    Birmingham, England
    Posts
    82
    Blog Entries
    5

    Love Song

    Your hands, my feet,
    Sweet slick sweat sheathed,
    Angles, arches,
    Small of back,
    Crook of neck,

    My hands, your feet,
    Walking all over me,
    Toes like fingers,
    Finding softness,
    My tender soft spots,
    You walk all over me,

    Lasting longing,
    Lovestruck wishing,
    I'm left open,
    Left myself open.
    You've walked...

  2. #2
    The theme is nice, the commas help the pacing and intent. "..Lasting longing, Lovestruck wishing.."; "..Angles, arches,.."; good pacing. You could shave up or reiterate a few lines, if this is not a first draft I do hope there is more to be revised; explicitly, things you could leave the reader to gather on their own. "Small of back," nay, "Crook of neck," yay! To make my sense, if the character and narrator are trying to invoke empathy, they won't necessarily need to paint a picture of something that happened, but, moreso, how they felt throughout that something happening.

  3. #3
    Member petergrimes's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2020
    Location
    Birmingham, England
    Posts
    82
    Blog Entries
    5
    Hi thanks for your feedback, its greatly appreciated, in truth I thought I might get slaughtered. I didn't really think of drafts, I wrote it in ten minutes. It's only the third poem I've ever written, well since school twenty year ago. I just had writers block so thought I'd try some poetry. Thanks for the advice. Cheers our kid. All the best P
    Last edited by petergrimes; April 7th, 2020 at 05:38 PM.

  4. #4
    Quote Originally Posted by petergrimes View Post
    Hi thanks for your feedback, its greatly appreciated, in truth I thought I might get slaughtered. I didn't really think of drafts, I wrote it in ten minutes. It's only the third poem I've ever written, well since school twenty year ago. I just had writers block so thought I'd try some poetry. Thanks for the advice. Cheers our kid. All the best P
    Alright, bab? I think poems are best when written at pace, with emotion in control. The time for close reading and change comes when you have the feeling down, just as you've done here. I really like the bones of this poem - it feels like a love letter and, for me, that's exactly what a love poem should be. It sounds as though you only wrote it to fill a space between writing prose but I think it's worth a bit of extra effort to bring out its full potential. Chiefster has offered some great advice. Go for it!

  5. #5
    Member petergrimes's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2020
    Location
    Birmingham, England
    Posts
    82
    Blog Entries
    5
    Jen the pen. Yes mate. Wolves ay we. Come on the babbies.
    Thanks for your words and the encouragement. Perhaps I will look at it again.
    Sorry I'm a sneaky one. The title was a bit duplicitous. I purposely wrote it so it could be interpreted in different ways. Both are equally valid. On the surface it is love a letter, but I meant it in the other sense. The first paragraph being seduced, or just after.
    Second paragraph, why have I let this happen again? I didn't want it to, it will only cause pain - she's using me again (the walking thing) - just couldn't resist (she knows my tender soft spots - weaknesses etc).
    Last paragraph therefore could either finish 'You've walked away from me' (again) or 'walked all over me' (again).
    I just didn't want to be explicit for obvious reasons. But I'm really glad it works In the other sense also. That's very encouraging. Thanks for taking a look and all of your encouragement and kind words. It means a lot. If I do try some more poetry I'll try to take it a bit more seriously. Much obliged P
    Last edited by petergrimes; April 8th, 2020 at 12:36 AM.

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
This website uses cookies
We use cookies to store session information to facilitate remembering your login information, to allow you to save website preferences, to personalise content and ads, to provide social media features and to analyse our traffic. We also share information about your use of our site with our social media, advertising and analytics partners.