Scores: Literary Maneuvers MARCH 2020 RE-Tell a Fairy Tale


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Thread: Scores: Literary Maneuvers MARCH 2020 RE-Tell a Fairy Tale

  1. #1

    Scores: Literary Maneuvers MARCH 2020 RE-Tell a Fairy Tale

    CONGRATULATIONS to WINNERS
    and thank you to all participants


    xXx:
    Scores
    bdcharles 19
    the clacking bird
    jenpen 18
    Red Riding the Hood
    hvy 16
    The True Story of Prometheus
    rcal 17
    The Hill
    anon1 19
    The Pain of Destiny
    epi 19
    David and Goliath
    undead 17
    The Exhibit
    b4b 18
    HELLFIRE
    arrow 19
    army man
    ===
    bdcharles
    the clacking bird

    SPaG: 4/5
    T&V: 5/5

    Evaluation: 5/5
    Reaction: 5/5
    Total: 19/20

    best of month: whimsy's clack-clix
    title, plus reference
    open, context (where, who, what)
    close, ponderance AS reader connect sustain

    Delighted was <he>, so much so, that <he> forgot all about ruling and the kingdom’s various wants, and stared lovingly....

    ...who wanted only to delight <her> loved ones. <Her> actions destabilised that happy county, and those neighbouring nations who determined their gifts had been spurned and moved on Summerfate with a vengeance. The war rages today, claiming millions, with no end in sight.

    please consider incorporating this
    as a shared tale
    within the greater fabric
    of your WIP
    author flights, fancy-full-gifted

    ---
    jenpen
    Red Riding the Hood

    SPaG: 4/5
    T&V: 5/5

    Evaluation: 5/5
    Reaction: 4/5
    Total: 18/20

    best of month: kitchen(garden)-chemistry-kick/trix entre.preneuer
    title, punny as reference
    open, context (who, where, what)
    close, happy ditty jingle(jungle/jugular)

    <Her> father turned to Red and smiled adoringly. “Ah, <she’s> a kind-hearted, generous young <lass>. <She> spends most of <her> day out in <her> little garden, growing herbs and vegetables that <she> loves to share. <She’s> a good little cook too.”

    “Oh yes,” Grandma nodded, “<she> has a talent for gardening alright and I always enjoy the things <she> cooks.”

    especially liked mandrake
    seamless presentation of layered entendre
    author business families
    ---
    hvy
    The True Story of Prometheus

    SPaG: 4/5
    T&V: 5/5

    Evaluation: 5/5
    Reaction: 2/5
    Total: 16/20

    best of month: spin-stir-serve
    title, true-dat with advisory
    open, context (where, what hook)
    close, rhetorical/response, on-the-side

    In any case, a tiny little thing called "Hope" was still in the box, shaking as it clung to a corner, too shy to leave when it had opened previously. It's what caused Herakles to wish access to Pandora’s lovely sweet box. He hoped to get Hope hopping, as it were.

    Well, imagine <his> surprise when <he> stepped right onto the face of <his> long-lost brother.

    author got-it-tudes
    ---
    rcal
    The Hill

    SPaG: 4/5
    T&V: 5/5

    Evaluation: 4/5
    Reaction: 4/5
    Total: 17/20

    best of month: jilly ad
    title, benny's as/with reference
    open, context (who, where, what-what?!)
    close, re.solv(e).ed

    My wish is binding...

    ...and that’s not in the parameters of our wish contract. But there might be a way to grant your desire if you promise...

    ...once drunk, run like hell.”

    you devil, you!
    author ne(e)-goat-s/he-ate-OR, n.sidhe.us
    ---
    anon1
    The Pain of Destiny

    SPaG: 4/5 watch verb tense
    T&V: 5/5

    Evaluation: 5/5
    Reaction: 5/5 roflcopter
    Total: 19/20

    best of month: tooled-time
    title, un/avoid?able
    open, context (who, what, where)
    close, (e/a/n).vert

    ...granter of knowledge. <I> will give...<You> shall know <the> pain...

    ...as myriad visions hit <him> like a sand storm. <He> saw blurred threads of the future, yet unwoven, with infinite possibilities in front of <him>. The sand, the prince(ss), a tracking army, lasguns and a shape with geometry so twisted it almost drained <him>...

    “Lump…Lump…”

    author catchtube-22, dune-it-write
    ---

    epi
    David and Goliath

    SPaG: 4/5 watch verb tense, how are we preserve
    T&V: 5/5

    Evaluation: 5/5
    Reaction: 5/5 roflcopter
    Total: 19/20

    best of month: peter-principled
    title, iconic ironic
    open, context (who, what, where) classic.al
    close, class.sic.al(l)

    “For posterity,” the scribe replied, adding under <his> breath(e), “obviously.”

    ...trying to preserve historical accuracy and all I get is...

    “...and how are we (to) preserve cultural integrity when we can’t even...


    author end-of-the-dei-take-away
    ---
    undead
    The Exhibit

    SPaG: 4/5
    T&V: 5/5

    Evaluation: 4/5
    Reaction: 4/5 vivid
    Total: 17/20

    best of month: poi(s)son-under-glass
    title, succinct
    open, context (where, what hook)
    close, open.n.shut

    ...wouldn’t put it on display if it’s a person...

    ...a knife sliding over <her> tongue, sea-snakes writhing, voodoo murmurings...

    ...Haitian looked through the glass...

    author sigh-lance, grrrgl-gag
    ---
    b4b
    HELLFIRE

    SPaG: 5/5
    T&V: 5/5

    Evaluation: 4/5
    Reaction: 4/5
    Total: 18/20

    best of month: poof
    title, robust
    open, context (who, what, where)
    close, over.n.out

    ...aim was true, <his> reputation for cruelty, legendary...how clever <he> was. ...master illusionist, and one of the greatest jammers in the Koprulu sector.

    ...stretch, deform. Flicker...


    author bounty (full), feuled, filled - filed
    ---
    arrow
    army -man-

    SPaG: 5/5
    T&V: 5/5

    Evaluation: 4/5 FAB
    Reaction: 5/5
    Total: 19/20

    best of month: break-it-down-now
    title, with reference
    open, context (who, what, where)
    close, home AS state mind.ed re-turn

    He wondered if toys went to Heaven or Hell or if it was only dark emptiness forever.

    ...wasn’t clear, as is common in dreams...

    “I lost something, too. Most of us do.”

    publish this
    author greater-than-sum-of-parts

    Scores


    Foxee:
    Scores
    bdcharles, The Clacking Bird
    SpaG: 5/5
    T&V: 5/5
    Eval: 3/5
    Reac: 2/5
    Overall: 15/20

    This had a nice start off to it especially, the tone and promise of what felt like a bedtime story. Some of your terms like 'keyslady' and 'sparkdusts' had a pleasantly made-up feel which, to me, gave it a warmth such as someone making this up and telling it to me on the spot.

    And so the story was competently written and had a voice that went from warm and engaging to a little more modern and cheeky which was fun. The plot, however, felt like it fell down and couldn't get back up. In spite of the chatelaine's nice gesture every turn of the plot is negative until the emperor dies and she ends up rotting in a dungeon to this very day. An ending of that sort seems that it should belong to a cautionary tale but I'm left groping for what the caution should be; “Don't do nice things for people”? Or “Look out! Behind you!” It felt like an ending that needed another gear to fully bring it to a close.



    jenthepen, Red Riding Hood
    SpaG: 4/5
    T&V: 5/5
    Eval: 4/5
    Reac: 3/5
    Overall: 16/20

    Fairy tale crime fiction, maybe? There's a genre with possibilities. This is definitely a fairy tale retelling, it hit the prompt straight on, don't have to squint to see it. There were single quotes at the beginning rather than double, a small error but did affect the SpaG score. Consistent voice, definite narrative arc, the plot proceeded and the characters were active. All good things. I think a few adverbs could be pulled out and replaced with stronger wording though that wasn't egregious. The ending felt like an actual ending which is a difficult thing to achieve with shorts sometimes.My problem was that the only person who was being fooled was the nicest character who is presented as being somewhat stupid for believing in their own child. The word choice there “whimpered prettily” indicates that if the woodcutter had a functioning brain cell he might have seen that Red wasn't being honest. And so the takeaway of the story seems to be a little thin, Red and her cohorts are nasty money-grubbing dope-peddlers and the one person who is in a different camp than the criminals is gleefully made a fool of and exploited. This unfortunately hits a sour note for me but as it's kind of the main plot point, I can't get away from it.

    hvysmkr, The True Story of Prometheus
    SpaG: 5/5
    T&V: 3/5
    Eval: 3/5
    Reac: 2/5
    Overall: 13/20

    The first couple of paragraphs of this story had me hooked, it felt like we were turning in a sort of Discworld direction. Unfortunately, the story turned into a middle-school comedian laughing at his own jokes.

    The imagery was well-described, the story answered the demand of the prompt if you consider mythology to be a fairy tale. I can go along with that. The whole did hang together as a coherent story with beginning, middle, and end so that was successful.

    The inconsistency of the voice was jarring, though, quivering between archaic, modern banter, and snigger. What threw me out of the story repeatedly was the mocking tone, like shortening the names to Promie and Hercy. Likewise the word choices like Twinkie dropping his 'din-din' set my teeth on edge and nothing was improved with the descent into locker room humor with Pandora.

    One might say that there is an audience for this work and I'm not in it. I could accept that if the tone wasn't relentlessly talking down to the reader (something that is a common mistake when making up children's stories) while the title promised something 'adult'.rcallaci, The Hill
    SpaG: 5/5
    T&V: 5/5
    Eval: 5/5
    Reac: 4/5
    Overall: 19/20

    Nice tight story that carried on with a consistent voice and tone and delivered an ending that felt like an ending, complete with a little bit of a surprise. I found the name 'Jilly Cakes' to be annoying and that fit with Jill's own opinion so that was a nice bit of reader response.

    Answered the prompt well, bummed me out a little bit that you killed off Aladdin but, y'know, if he was gonna be a jerk to a genie, I guess he had it coming!

    Anonymous, The Pain of Destiny
    SpaG: 4/5
    T&V: 5/5
    Eval: 2/5
    Reac: 2/5
    Overall: 13/20

    As a mashup of Dune and Aladdin this works, it was kind of fun to see Aladdin with catchtubes and lasguns. I like the idea of taking a story that feels very old and moving it to a futuristic time instead.

    Where this falls down for me is that it feels as though your protagonists Bindu-evaded the plot. Aladdin made what might have felt like a fateful decision in the cave if it hadn't been basically the only decision. Apparently things happened that were unpleasant and when we return to the story he and Jasmine are walking when they're threatened by an overwhelming force but they know it'll be okay, it is, they walk off together. The plot entirely missed them.

    Still this might have worked if the ideas applied to either Dune or Aladdin had been your own inventions, maybe it would have worked on a fresh-and-new worldbuilding level but that didn't seem to be there either. I also had to mark down a little for excess exclamation marks and misused elipses on the basis that if a story is submitted for publication those things are usually to be taken out.

    Fun thought process, though, and a pleasant story.

    epimetheus, David and Goliath
    SpaG: 5/5
    T&V: 5/5
    Eval: 5/5
    Reac: 2/5
    Overall: 17/20

    While I personally don't agree with what you've written I'm going to say this is a pretty well-written satire! SpaG was clean other than a little typo (breathe should be breath) and the tone and voice were very consistent and effective for storytelling.

    I'd have to say that if I went along with your premise I'd probably find this pretty funny. As it is my reaction was closer to alienation. But still well-crafted, good job!

    ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord, Army Man
    SpaG: 5/5
    T&V: 5/5
    Eval: 5/5
    Reac: 5/5
    Overall: 20/20

    This was an interesting entry to me because the army man could do very little except tumble from one thing to the next, yet was always central to the plot line. The story was convincing and significant. Good conversational tone and storytelling through thoughts carried the story securely throughout along with a little echo of Toy Story magic, a dash of wonder.

    The only thing I might mention is that the story feels labored in spots though even then that doesn't hurt the story much as the plot is about a laborious journey. Also be careful of using ellipses to trail off. While that's common in online posts, the proper usage is to indicate missing words.

    Very nice job.

    undead_av, The Exhibit
    SpaG: 5/5
    T&V: 5/5
    Eval: 5/5
    Reac: 5/5
    Overall: 20/20

    There was a lot to like in this story. Rather than retelling the plot-points of The Little Mermaid I think you captured the depth of some of the emotions, especially fear, that the fairy tale glossed over in its telling. Really love the addition of Voodoo, it feels solid and along with the reference to Haiti anchors the events in place in the modern day. Good job with the missing tongues as a more physical indication of a bargain, reinforces the Voodoo idea.

    The arc this followed was fairly simple in essence but surprising all the same, didn't see the switch back coming, I think partly because of attention on the Haitian man and the bit of flashback. Initially the story was a little confusing to me with the switching around but I don't think it lacks clarity.

    Though it was a down ending it was good and it carried a message to be careful what you wish for.

    BornForBurning, Hellfire
    SpaG: 3/5
    T&V: 5/5
    Eval: 4/5
    Reac: 4/5
    Overall: 16/20

    I loved seeing Red in SF and this definitely answered the prompt. There was some good tension and conflict all great story-stuff. The verbs really get a workout throughout the story which is good with the action. One thing I particularly appreciate is that you managed an ironic ending (both a down ending and an up ending at the same time) which works well here.

    There were a few suspect word choices that weakened good moments:
    Damp tendrils of unconsciousness cloying at her mind..
    The first four words were excellent description but you really have to stretch the meaning of 'cloying' to accept it in this sentence.
    A huge Imperial battlecruiser leered wide in her vision,
    Again, the usage is cockeyed to the meaning of the word. A case could be made but it was a stumble for me as the reader.
    I was a little confused at first that she was being chased by Wolf but that he apparently wasn't there. Took me a re-read to understand that he's stalking her so I'm putting this in with the word choices.

    Little typo, 'debri' should be 'debris'.

    Little bit of clashing between narrative and POV:
    She glanced out the viewport. Gasped, a small smile flickering across her face.
    There is a temptation to describe the character's facial twitches as part of narration. Unfortunately it's distracting because as I'm here in my POV I'm not thinking about my expression, no one does. I would suggest that when you read this, try to edit to have the reader feel the sense of relif that you're trying to convey. Also, try gasping and having a smile flicker across your face at the same time, I imagine it might look a little funny and feel weird! Additionally, the sentence fragment doesn't really work.

    There was a long silence. So long, Red felt strangely nervous. Then,
    Again here you have this opportunity, yes, Red feels 'strangely nervous' but I don't. Make ME feel uneasy here. And “Then,” is not only a strange fragment but it doesn't really do anything. The next event will be on the next line without pointing it out.

    Even though I mention these points I'll say the story was entertaining, it had a good arc, and I'd love to see it polished up a bit more.

    Scores


    SueC:
    Scores
    (1) bdcharles, The Clacking Bird
    SPaG: 4/5
    Eval: 4/5
    Effect: 5/5
    React: 5/5

    Overall: 18/20

    Review: I thought this good! In some spots a little wordy, but all in all, it was a pretty decent rendition of a fairy tale. You met the prompt. I would suggest identifying the entrance of the Electoress a little more clearly, though. I was halfway through her introductory paragraph before I realized I was no longer reading about the Elector. Fairy tales are often rife with irrational events, and this piece seems to comply with that norm. No SPaGs to comment on, other than a missing word here and there. I do like this, your rendition, and thanks for your entry, bd!

    (2) jenthepen, Red Riding the Hood
    SPaG: 4/5
    Eval: 4/5
    Effect: 5/5
    React: 5/5

    Overall: 18/20

    Review: This was a cute, super modern rendition of that fabled Red Riding Hood tale. You know, sometimes I wonder what was really behind those stories when they were first written. In your version, grandma was in on the deal and Red Riding hood wasn't so thoughtful after all, more concerned about money. The wolf was still bad. I think you did a good job with this; the prompt was met. I saw no real issues with spelling, grammar or punctuation. Thanks for your entry, jenthepen.

    (3) hvysmker, The True Story of Prometheus
    SPaG: 5/5
    Eval: 4/5
    Effect: 3/5
    React: 4/5

    Overall: 16/20

    Review: While this was an interesting tale, it didn't really qualify as a "fairy tale." It is, I think, more along the lines of Greek mythology. The initial tale of Prometheus did have an account of the god's gift to man of fire, and he suffered greatly and continuously for that deed. I did enjoy the addition of Tabasco sauce and naming the eagle "Twinkie." Nice touch of humor there. In modern times, Heracles is known by the name of Hercules, so he also was a God that existed in mythology. I think you did a fair job with this story, and incorporated quite a bit of the original saga of Prometheus, putting your own bend on it. No SPaGs to speak of. Thank you for your entry, hvysmker.

    (4) rcallaci, The Hill
    SPaG: 5/5
    Eval: 4/5
    Effect: 3/5
    React: 4/5

    Overall: 16/20

    Review: This was an interesting "back story" for the nursery rhyme of "Jack and Jill," which, technically, is not a fairy tale as the prompt requested, although it is one of the Grimm Brothers' work. It was a fun read, with all the twists and turns that a genie, escaped from a bottle, might be able to provide. I really enjoy this type of writing, where anything goes and no explanation needed. You did a good job moving the story along and I saw no real issues with SPaG's or other structural issues. Thanks for your entry, rcallaci.

    (5) anonymous, The True Pain of Destiny
    SPaG: 5/5
    Eval: 4/5
    Effect: 4/5
    React: 4/5

    Overall: 17/20

    Review: This was an interesting take on the story of Aladdin, which was a fairy tale of Middle Eastern origin. It was not a part of the original Arabian Nights Tales, but added at a later date. An interesting twist to replace the genie with something other than a three-wish entity, a giver of knowledge, was clever. There were some inconsistencies in the story line, however. When Aladdin asked to get out of the cave, the knowledge giver granted his wish, even though he had already said he didn't grant wishes. All-in-all this was a pretty good read. You kept the action moving and I detected no spelling or grammar issues. Good job here and thank you for your entry.

    (6) epimethius, David & Goliath
    SPaG: 4/5
    Eval: 4/5
    Effect: 3/5
    React: 4/5

    Overall: 15/20

    Review: This is a re-telling of a biblical story, not a fairy tale as the prompt requested. I see the humor in what you are doing and I think with a little refinement this could be a pretty good story. I always think it is entertaining when we re-write stories from history, especially biblical history, which are vague at their best. Lots of blanks to fill in there, and this is a pretty good example of how it could work, although the score will reflect that it is, indeed, biblical and not fairy tale.
    There were some issues with punctuation, in that the words in italics could be construed as being spoken rather than the servant looking over the scribe's shoulder and reading what he'd written. If they were spoken, as in the scribe telling the servant what he is writing down, the quotation marks were not correct in a couple of spots. If you intended them to be viewed as written words, then I think a short intro would make it more clear. (The scribed then wrote . . .). All in all, not a bad idea, epimetheus. Thanks for your entry.

    (7) ArrowintheBowoftheLord, Army Man
    SPaG: 5/5
    Eval: 4/5
    Effect: 4/5
    React: 5/5

    Overall:18/20

    Review: Arrow, this has so much potential. I really liked it, and I think if more words were allowed, it could be a really awesome story. The problem I have with this as written, though, is connectivity. I would like to see the memory issue of the little soldier enhanced more, so that readers would understand why he has a memory of actually being in war when he is just a toy ("generic brand from the discount store down the road"), and why he connects so warmly with the memories of the old man who picks him up off the garage floor. I feel the prompt was met. I hope you keep working on this one. Thanks for your entry.

    ( undead_av, The Exhibit
    SPaG: 5/5
    Eval: 4/5
    Effect: 4/5
    React: 5/5

    Overall: 18/20

    Review: This was a little bit confusing read for me, but I liked it. Sometimes, 650 words are just not sufficient to convey enough of a story to give it a full impact. The girl Naomi is holding tightly onto her umbrella, but she is still able to sign with a stranger because she cannot talk. She is afraid of being seen, afraid of the rain - but she is there at the museum to see the mermaid that has been on the news. I read it a couple of times. The addition of the voodoo was great - something unexpected, but perfectly fit and adding to the darkness of the story. Inside the museum, the creature who was referred as a "she" was thought of as a "he" by Naomi, so that was a little confusing. You met the prompt of "Little Mermaid," by Hans Christian Anderson. Thanks for your entry, undead.

    (9) BornforBurning, Hellfire
    SPaG: 4/5
    Eval: 4/5
    Effect: 4/5
    React: 4/5

    Overall: 16/20

    Review: I'm guessing this is a very, very loose rendition of Little Red Riding Hood, and the only reason I initially surmised that was because of the names "Red," and "Wolf." On secondary reading, there was more evidence of the original fairy tale. It was pretty well written and the story provided visuals that were easily seen. Some of the sentences were over-long, or over-loaded with descriptive devices, but all in all a good read. Thank you for your entry.
    Scores



    Author Title Foxee xXx Sue total Place
    bdcharles The Clacking Bird 15 19 18 17.33333 3
    Jenthepen Red Riding the Hood 16 18 18 17.33333 3
    hvysmkr The True Story of Prometheus 13 16 16 15
    rcallaci The Hill 19 17 16 17.33333 3
    Anonymous/Mish The Pain of Destiny 13 19 17 16.33333
    epimetheus David and Goliath 17 19 15 17
    ArrowintheBowoftheLord Army Man 20 17 18 18.33333 2
    Undead_av The Exhibit 20 18 18 18.66667 1
    Bornforburning Hellfire 16 19 16 17
    Anonymous/xXx (JE) 3 Gee Rough -- -- --







    FIRST PLACE:

    Un_dead for
    THE EXHIBIT - Wonderful job!



    SECOND PLACE:

    ArrowintheBowoftheLord for ARMY MAN - Congratulations!



    THIRD PLACE THREE:

    bdcharles for THE CLACKING BIRD - Yay!

    jenthepen for RED RIDING THE HOOD - Good job!

    rcallaci for THE HILL - Wow!
    When the night has come
    And the land is dark
    And the moon is the only light we'll see
    I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid
    Just as long as you stand by me.


  2. #2
    Excellent stuff, well done guys. Undead_av seems to be making a habit of winning these things! Thanks judges and thank you Sue!


    Hidden Content Monthly Fiction Challenge


    The first cut don't hurt at all
    The second only makes you wonder
    The third will have you on your knee
    s
    - Propaganda, "Duel"

    *

    Is this fire, or is this mask?
    It's the Mantasy!
    - Anonymous








  3. #3
    Congratulations to all involved, and a round of applause and gratitude once again to judges and hosts! I was scribbling up a plot for this month but ended up benching it due to dissatisfaction with the execution. Good thing, too. The stories here were excellent and I would have had my tushie kicked. Congrats, everybody.

  4. #4
    Hey Sue! Thanks so much for running this challenge. I noticed that in xxx's scores, they actually gave Arrow 19 and me 17. I think that would put Arrow at #1.
    "ring the bells (ring the bells) that still can ring
    forget your perfect offering
    there is a crack in everything (there is a crack in everything)
    that's how the light gets in."

  5. #5
    WTG, well-deserved wins for some really good writing!

    For all who participated a big thank you for doing the work. This isn't an easy challenge and to get that word count with a story by the deadline is worth a huge applause.

    Thank you, writers!

  6. #6
    Congratulations to everyone and an awesome job by all the judges too. Many thanks for all the hard work and organisation that goes to make this challenge so enjoyable.

  7. #7
    Thanks to the judges and well done to the winners.

  8. #8
    Congrats to all the winners and a big thank you to the judges for the feedback!

    Some exceptionally good stories this time around.
    I threw a glance at humankind and saw them treacherous and feeble.
    Severe judges, cruel, unkind and fools who are always close to evil.
    Before their frightful, anxious mob, indifferent hate forever rages.
    Not learnt the lessons from the ages!
    What use are wise and tempered words?
    "Sometime, in my sweet blindness" - Pushkin

  9. #9
    a fun contest-excellant writing all around- thanks to the judges and the ringmaster...

    warmest
    bob
    Nature weeps, the devil sings
    at mans greed and pride
    and what it brings

    Just lots of useless
    little things

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