Which of these loglines is better?


Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 36

Thread: Which of these loglines is better?

  1. #1

    Which of these loglines is better? (CONTENT WARNING)

    I just feel I should a give him a mature content warning.

    I was trying to come up with a logline to pitch a screenplay, and thought of 3 rough ones, but do any sound good, or is one better than the other:


    "A cop uses his police resources to seek revenge on a gang of serial rapists, after becoming their latest victim."

    "A cop uses his police resources to seek revenge on a gang of serial rapists, after becoming their next victim, while risking his life, freedom, and marriage in the process."

    "A cop, struggles to track down a gang of mysterious serial rapists, while trying to keep a key witness alive."

    Thank you anyone for any input. I appreciate it.
    Last edited by ironpony; March 27th, 2020 at 08:03 AM.

  2. #2
    Quote Originally Posted by ironpony View Post
    I was trying to come up with a logline to pitch a screenplay, and thought of 3 rough ones, but do any sound good, or is one better than the other:


    "A cop uses his police resources to seek revenge on a gang of serial rapists, after becoming their next victim."



    "A cop uses his police resources to seek revenge on a gang of serial rapists, after becoming their next victim, while risking his life, freedom, and marriage in the process."

    "A cop, struggles to track down a gang of mysterious serial rapists, while trying to keep a key witness alive."

    Thank you anyone for any input. I appreciate it.
    The main thing here is to stir interest. Your primary audience for this kind of material is going to be blood-and-sex obsessed adolescent males and oddballs so you need to consider the triggers. Is that audience likely to care about the cop's marriage? Unlikely, I'd say. What they want is action and sex. If the marriage aspect is genuinely a major theme, you should include it, but I can't imagine in all seriousness that it is. The themes are probably more like survival-against-the-odds, the limits of humiliation, the nature of total moral turpitude. So, include references to those themes.

    The first one is probably the best, but it is slightly ungrammatical. You wrote 'after becoming' (past) and then 'next victim' (future). It is therefore confusing as to whether he has been raped or not. I think it should be 'latest' or 'most recent' victim. Does it even matter when he was victimized? Isn't it obvious it's recent?

    I would cut out 'cop'. It immediately strikes as generic. Also strike 'police resources'. It's weak.

    Example...

    After falling victim to a gang of serial rapists, a driven NYPD detective pursues revenge.

  3. #3
    Oh okay thanks, good point I will put 'latest'. I changed that, thanks. I read that when writing loglines, is that it's a good idea to put obstacles that stand in protagonists way of his goal. So if that's true, is putting the marriage on the line as an obstacle a good idea then, or no? Or should I include the themes, you mentioned, rather than the physical obstacles?

    Also wouldn't the reader want to know why the protagonist is a detective, and the reason being because he can use police resources? Or will they knot be wondering that?

    As for the audience being the blood and sex type, there are no sex scenes and none of the rape scenes are shown in the script, and there isn't really much blood either. There are some murders and killings, but I didn't go into graphic gory detail much though. So would blood and sex be the selling point of the logline, if you don't see any rape or sex scenes, and the blood is not that bloody?
    Last edited by ironpony; March 27th, 2020 at 08:03 AM.

  4. #4
    Quote Originally Posted by ironpony View Post
    I just feel I should a give him a mature content warning.

    I was trying to come up with a logline to pitch a screenplay, and thought of 3 rough ones, but do any sound good, or is one better than the other:


    "A cop uses his police resources to seek revenge on a gang of serial rapists, after becoming their latest victim."

    "A cop uses his police resources to seek revenge on a gang of serial rapists, after becoming their next victim, while risking his life, freedom, and marriage in the process."

    "A cop, struggles to track down a gang of mysterious serial rapists, while trying to keep a key witness alive."

    Thank you anyone for any input. I appreciate it.
    I read somewhere that the "When A happens, B must overcome C or face D" type structures are useful. Think about what's stopping him and include that. I see you mention it but you might need to sex it up a bit. Don't say his marriage is on the line. Just kind of ... I dunno, use impactful words, & bullshit that bit harder.

    "When a police officer falls victim to a gang of serial rapists, he marshalls the city's resources to get revenge. But his personal and professional lives collide, and a witness is not what they seem."

    I know, I know; not very exciting and possibly not even pertinent to your actual plot, but you get the idea. I'm not a crime writer for a very good reason. But here I used words like "city" and "marshall" and "collide". All they mean is "stuff does stuff", but they just sounds a bit more ... crimey. And don't worry about whether the blood is that bloody. Just say it is and let the readers or viewers or distribution people decide for themselves. I mean, hopefully you deliver on your promise, but that is a separate question.
    Last edited by bdcharles; March 27th, 2020 at 11:14 AM.


    Hidden Content Monthly Fiction Challenge


    Beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror which we are barely able to endure, and are awed,
    because it serenely disdains to annihilate us.
    - Rainer Maria Rilke, "Elegy I"

    *

    Is this fire, or is this mask?
    It's the Mantasy!
    - Anonymous

    *

    C'mon everybody, don't need this crap.
    - Wham!





  5. #5
    These are three different stories that you're pitching.


    The first pitch is a straight revenge story.

    The second pitch is a detective story, with the added element of marital struggles.

    The third pitch is a both a detective story, and an Escort Mission.


    I'd focus on, first, figuring out which one is more accurate (and/or: figuring out which story is the one you're most eager to tell).

  6. #6
    Oh okay thanks for the advice so far. And yes, they are all the same story, it's just I am pitching different aspects of the story in each logline, cause it's difficult to fit the entire story into just one sentence.

    I read somewhere that the "When A happens, B must overcome C or face D" type structures are useful. Think about what's stopping him and include that. I see you mention it but you might need to sex it up a bit. Don't say his marriage is on the line. Just kind of ... I dunno, use impactful words, & bullshit that bit harder.

    "When a police officer falls victim to a gang of serial rapists, he marshalls the city's resources to get revenge. But his personal and professional lives collide, and a witness is not what they seem."

    I know, I know; not very exciting and possibly not even pertinent to your actual plot, but you get the idea. I'm not a crime writer for a very good reason. But here I used words like "city" and "marshall" and "collide". All they mean is "stuff does stuff", but they just sounds a bit more ... crimey. And don't worry about whether the blood is that bloody. Just say it is and let the readers or viewers or distribution people decide for themselves. I mean, hopefully you deliver on your promise, but that is a separate question.
    When you say sex it up a bit, what can I do to do that? When you say say that it's bloody, do you mean put this in the logline?

    As for your logline example, it sounds good to me, but if I say the witness is not what they seem, could that be giving away too much, and the reader will see a twist coming with this character then, or expect one, rather than being more surprised? Or is giving away an anticipated surprise in the logline a good thing? The witness only takes up about a quarter of the plot, so I wonder if it's worth mentioning, or is it still?

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by ironpony View Post
    When you say sex it up a bit, what can I do to do that?
    Make it all as cool-sounding as you can.

    Quote Originally Posted by ironpony View Post
    When you say say that it's bloody, do you mean put this in the logline?
    Not necessarily but as above, use words that suggest it. Like in my example, I used "marshall", "collide" and something else because they sound neat, exciting and powerful, a bit car-smashy. As writers, screenwriters, and writers of fiction, it is our job to excite. So use exciting words, boom words, explosions-and-karate words.

    Quote Originally Posted by ironpony View Post
    As for your logline example, it sounds good to me, but if I say the witness is not what they seem, could that be giving away too much, and the reader will see a twist coming with this character then, or expect one, rather than being more surprised? Or is giving away an anticipated surprise in the logline a good thing? The witness only takes up about a quarter of the plot, so I wonder if it's worth mentioning, or is it still?
    It depends on if that happens in your screenplay. I just made that example up - didn't realise I'd actually guessed right! But for sure, maybe drop hints about stuff rather than state it outright. My example is a bit of a spoiler, so dial it back a little. Maybe say words to the effect of "some things are not what they seem". But ... be mindful not to go too far off piste and promise something you don't deliver. If that's not a key thing, don't mention it. Mention what is - but not hving read your work I'm no privy to that so that's down to you.


    Hidden Content Monthly Fiction Challenge


    Beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror which we are barely able to endure, and are awed,
    because it serenely disdains to annihilate us.
    - Rainer Maria Rilke, "Elegy I"

    *

    Is this fire, or is this mask?
    It's the Mantasy!
    - Anonymous

    *

    C'mon everybody, don't need this crap.
    - Wham!





  8. #8
    Oh okay thanks. When you said sex it up a bit, I thought you meant make it sound more sexual, but I see what you mean. There is a surprise involving the witness, but it happens halfway through, and it's more of a subplot twist. Which is still good, I just wonder if I should give away that there is going to be a subplot twist with this character, but I can if that's the way to go . I was wondering if the witness was worth mentioning at all, since they only take about a few plot scenes in the first half, but was told by another person, to use the third logline, cause he said, do not give away anything in the second half. However, the main character starts getting revenge on the villains in the second half, so I thought that was worth mentioning to stir interest, if it is?

  9. #9
    Quote Originally Posted by ironpony View Post
    . . .yes, they are all the same story, it's just I am pitching different aspects of the story in each logline, cause it's difficult to fit the entire story into just one sentence.
    But you have to keep the target audience in mind, with your log-line, and the story aspects that you emphasize.

    The second pitch, for example, with its marital aspect, would be aiming at a more female audience.

    While the first pitch, on the other hand, would be targeted at a mostly male audience.

    . . . Who's your intended audience (the ideal viewer)? Identify that, first. Then adjust your pitch accordingly.

  10. #10
    Oh I thought it could be both males and females. It's a psychological thriller in terms of genre, so what gender does that appeal to more, or does it appeal to both?

Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
This website uses cookies
We use cookies to store session information to facilitate remembering your login information, to allow you to save website preferences, to personalise content and ads, to provide social media features and to analyse our traffic. We also share information about your use of our site with our social media, advertising and analytics partners.