Which of these loglines is better? - Page 3


Page 3 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 36

Thread: Which of these loglines is better?

  1. #21
    Quote Originally Posted by Annoying kid View Post
    Much better.

    There is one thing... This new logline is two sentences. They say a logline should be one sentence, so would it be a problem if it's two?

  2. #22
    I don't think it's necessarily a problem. Then again, screenwriting is a competitive business.

    If other screenwriters are capable of boiling their pitches down to one line, surely you can do it, too.

    Depending on who's reading the pitch, you might only get one sentence to hook their interest. There's no guarantee that they'll even read your second sentence.
    Last edited by Kyle R; April 4th, 2020 at 06:10 PM.

  3. #23
    Oh okay, well what if I took the same line that was suggested before, but made it once sentence, with just another comma instead:

    "When a police officer falls victim to a gang of serial sex offenders, he marshals the city's resources to get revenge, but his personal and professional lives collide, and a witness is not what they seem."

    Is that too long for one sentence?

  4. #24
    I think that's a better choice, yes.

    Perhaps you can throw an em dash in there, instead of another comma, to make it less of a run-on sentence. Like so:

    When a police officer falls victim to a gang of serial sex offenders, he marshals the city's resources to get revenge—but his personal and professional lives collide, and a witness is not what they seem.

  5. #25
    Oh okay, maybe, it's just whenever I read other movie loglines, they never have dashes, so I wasn't sure if that could be allowed therefore or not. But maybe.

  6. #26
    Hmm. Okay, how about ditching the em dash, but also rewriting the last part to include the stakes, instead?

    Currently you have it structured as:

    When a (character) is in a (situation) he wants (goal)

    (When a police officer falls victim to a gang of serial sex offenders, he marshals the city's resources to get revenge)

    but (additional conflict) and (additional conflict).

    (but his personal and professional lives collide, and a witness is not what they seem.)


    A more common logline structure is:

    When a (character) is in a (situation) he wants (goal), before/or else (stakes).

    (Or some variant of this.)


    So ... what are the stakes in your story? What will happen if the police officer fails at his goal?

  7. #27
    Quote Originally Posted by Kyle R View Post
    Hmm. Okay, how about ditching the em dash, but also rewriting the last part to include the stakes, instead?

    Currently you have it structured as:

    When a (character) is in a (situation) he wants (goal)

    (When a police officer falls victim to a gang of serial sex offenders, he marshals the city's resources to get revenge)

    but (additional conflict) and (additional conflict).

    (but his personal and professional lives collide, and a witness is not what they seem.)


    A more common logline structure is:

    When a (character) is in a (situation) he wants (goal), before/or else (stakes).

    (Or some variant of this.)


    So ... what are the stakes in your story? What will happen if the police officer fails at his goal?
    Oh okay, I got confused, I thought that the additional conflicts you mentioned were the stakes. Well to answer what would happen to him if he doesn't succeed, the police will figure out his revenge plan and catch him before he can pull it off, which will result in jailtime for the protagonist, since he tainted evidence as part of the plan, or he will be either killed by the villains or the police an an attempt to stop him from getting the revenge.

    His wife could also leave him as a result of the revenge, and I wrote that originally, but it was suggested to me to put that his personal and professional lives collide, rather than put down that he could loose his wife. However, this is just a subplot near the end, that doesn't that doesn't take as much time, other than third act, so is it worth mentioning still, or will the reader think that it takes up more of the story if they read it?
    Last edited by ironpony; April 5th, 2020 at 06:24 AM.

  8. #28
    Yeah, the stakes are the dire consequences that the protagonist is trying to avoid.

    For example (just making something up):

    When a deadly, man-made virus is unleashed upon Los Angeles, a retired mailman tries to find his wife and daughter before they succumb to the virus.

    ^ In that example, "before they succumb to the virus" is the stakes.

    This is what you wrote for the stakes:

    Quote Originally Posted by ironpony
    the police will figure out his revenge plan and catch him before he can pull it off, which will result in jailtime for the protagonist, since he tainted evidence as part of the plan, or he will be either killed by the villains or the police an an attempt to stop him from getting the revenge.
    You have many potential stakes listed here, but for the sake of writing the logline, you should have just one.

    Once you figure out the primary stakes, you can plug it in at the end of something like this:


    After falling victim to a gang of serial sex offenders, a ____ police officer must marshal the city's resources to get revenge, before _______.


    Also: it's common to put a one-word adjective in front of the character description (in this case, in front of "police officer"). Suggestions: "vigilante", or "resourceful", or "desperate", or ...

    Hope that helps in some way!
    Last edited by Kyle R; April 5th, 2020 at 03:48 PM.

  9. #29
    Okay thanks, I thought about putting an adjective before the protagonist before, but since the protagonist is vengeful, as to accurately describe him I thought the adjective would be redundant, since I am already putting down that he is seeking revenge. What do you think?

    As for the stakes, if I am to put down just one, it's that he could get killed in the process, but isn't that the stakes to every crime thriller, or is it still worth writing in?

  10. #30
    Quote Originally Posted by ironpony View Post
    Okay thanks, I thought about putting an adjective before the protagonist before, but since the protagonist is vengeful, as to accurately describe him I thought the adjective would be redundant, since I am already putting down that he is seeking revenge. What do you think?
    I think that you can probably come up with another word that describe the character, aside from "vengeful". And I do think that you need an adjective, as screenwriting professionals recommend doing so.

    Quote Originally Posted by ironpony
    As for the stakes, if I am to put down just one, it's that he could get killed in the process, but isn't that the stakes to every crime thriller, or is it still worth writing in?
    2) "He could get killed in the process" seems logical ... but technically it's not the stakes. The stakes are what might happen if the protagonist fails at their goal.

    It's the terrible outcome that the protagonist is trying to avoid—the reason that their goal exists.

    Currently, your protagonist's goal is: "to get revenge".

    Therefore, the stakes should (ideally) answer the question: "What will happen if he fails to get revenge?"

    What would be the cost of failure?
    Last edited by Kyle R; April 6th, 2020 at 07:57 PM.

Page 3 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
This website uses cookies
We use cookies to store session information to facilitate remembering your login information, to allow you to save website preferences, to personalise content and ads, to provide social media features and to analyse our traffic. We also share information about your use of our site with our social media, advertising and analytics partners.