Herald, The Ghost (one swear word)


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Thread: Herald, The Ghost (one swear word)

  1. #1
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    Herald, The Ghost (one swear word)

    Have you seen this ghost named Herald?
    Hes been seen at the pier near the Ferris wheel
    Have you seen this ghost named Herald?
    Hes been seen by the water in the sky
    Have you seen this ghost named Herald?
    Hes been around for some time by the docks

    He must be found! And on the double
    The police have been trying to catch him for years
    And there has to be something so benign
    For the fact that this ghost hasnt been captured
    He must be found! And on the double
    The police have been trying to catch him for years

    This ghost is cunning, precarious, spirit! And is
    On the run due to the police on his tail
    Run ghost run, yet you have no fucking legs
    So you got to hover through the air and get away
    From those cops!
    You got to be free and go as fast as you can

    Have you seen this ghost named Herald?
    Hes been seen by the pier near a Ferris wheel
    Have you seen this ghost named Herald?
    Hes been seen by the water in the sky
    Have you seen this monster named Herald?
    Hes been around for some time by the docks

    Do you think he is here? The cops notice him!
    So run Herald run as fast as you can
    The ghost is near, come and get him cops
    He has some kind of weapon in his hand
    The kind where the cops have to shield it away
    From the light, it is a powerful weapon

    Have you seen this ghost named Herald?
    Hes been seen by the pier near the Ferris wheel
    Have you seen this ghost named Herald?
    Hes been seen by the water in the sky
    Have you seen this monster named Herald?
    Hes been around for some time by the docks

    This ghost is crazy! Looks like there is a commotion
    At the docks where the ghost used to be! There
    Is a monster emerging near the Ferris wheel and
    From there lies a monster much like the ghost
    But with all kinds of energy and how there is
    Something to fear by! In hopes that there was

    Something to fear by! Behold the monster arriving
    And heading to the docks to be summoned! There was
    This creature in the night, it was a sight to behold
    Now at the point of this monster destroying the city
    Theres a way to save the city then we would need
    To find out how the cops are going to save the city

    Have you seen this ghost named Herald?
    Hes been by the pier near the Ferris wheel
    Have you seen this ghost named Herald?
    Hes been seen by the water in the sky
    Have you seen this monster named Herald?
    Hes been around sometime by the docks

  2. #2
    Hi eight foot,

    Yes there is a poem in there. Now all you have to do is flush it out.

    I particularly like the lines

    hes been seen at the pier near the Ferris wheel and
    hes been seen by the water in the sky - both lines rhythmic and concretely descriptive.

    But I think you need to take some corrective action.

    First, you are taking nine stanzas for what is probably no more than a four/five stanza tale. Yes, the repetitions are a key element, but I think you are overdoing them.

    Second, you introduce a major new idea at Stanza 7 in which a new and malevolent monster emerges.
    Surely the original and benign one (Stanza 2) who is the victim of a circular chase in which he runs only because he is being pursued because he is running - he is the essence of the tale. The second, destructive
    monster, to me has a place, if at all, in a separate story.

    In Stanzas 1 to 3 he is the ghost - benign. In Stanzas 4 and 6 he is the monster, but still, apparently benign - if my reading of your intention is correct - two monsters, one good, one bad. If my reading is incorrect, you must consider how your writing contributed to my misunderstanding. Others may not have been confused, but if some are, then probably something is amiss.

    Third, the swear word adds nothing.

    Fourth, last line of Stanza 3 tells us what Herald wants - to be free.
    the idea of freedom from a pointless chase is the heart of it.
    Are you making a political point here? If so, does it need to be more explicit?

    Fifth, as has been noted in other discussions, poetry has a very, very strong aural element. Sound and rhythm, sound and rhythm. The first four lines of Stanza 1 set the musical tone. I believe that your main task is to bring the rest of the piece into tune with those four lines.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tirralirra View Post
    Hi eight foot,

    Yes there is a poem in there. Now all you have to do is flush it out.

    I particularly like the lines

    ‘he’s been seen at the pier near the Ferris wheel’ and
    ‘he’s been seen by the water in the sky’ - both lines rhythmic and concretely descriptive.

    But I think you need to take some corrective action.

    First, you are taking nine stanzas for what is probably no more than a four/five stanza tale. Yes, the repetitions are a key element, but I think you are overdoing them.

    Second, you introduce a major new idea at Stanza 7 in which a new and malevolent monster emerges.
    Surely the original and benign one (Stanza 2) who is the victim of a circular chase in which he runs only because he is being pursued because he is running - he is the essence of the tale. The second, destructive
    monster, to me has a place, if at all, in a separate story.

    In Stanzas 1 to 3 he is the ‘ghost’ - benign. In Stanzas 4 and 6 he is the ‘monster’, but still, apparently benign - if my reading of your intention is correct - two monsters, one good, one bad. If my reading is incorrect, you must consider how your writing contributed to my misunderstanding. Others may not have been confused, but if some are, then probably something is amiss.

    Third, the swear word adds nothing.

    Fourth, last line of Stanza 3 tells us what Herald wants - to be free.
    the idea of freedom from a pointless chase is the heart of it.
    Are you making a political point here? If so, does it need to be more explicit?

    Fifth, as has been noted in other discussions, poetry has a very, very strong aural element. Sound and rhythm, sound and rhythm. The first four lines of Stanza 1 set the musical tone. I believe that your main task is to bring the rest of the piece into tune with those four lines.
    Yeah well thank you for the critique, it was bit much with the stanzas but I will try to shorten them down and not overdo it, but then again I like them the way they are, I was trying to write an epic poem that's why they are long. But do you think I should remove them? I wasn't trying to be a political point but it was just for the effect of the poem. Thanks for commenting, I will make those corrections.

  4. #4
    Thanks for looking at the crit, octopus. You asked a question to which I had already given an answer - yes, I believe what I wrote.
    ’but then again I like them as they are’ - well yes, because you wrote them, of course you like them. I am suggesting , not demanding change. The text is yours. We only make suggestions. The final decision is always yours.

  5. #5
    Nice attempt at an epic-format. Although those repetitive stanzas are a bother to some modern readers, it should not discourage you from that form of emphasis, as if it were a tale sung and re-sung through generations, and often stanza breaks are used for pacing, subversion and driving a point. I have a hunch about who the Ghost is but the best aspect of this entry is that there is only one objective perspective-- the cops. Everyone has spotted the beasts, the events, but it is all reduced to ghosts.

    9.2/10.5 - could be more explicit in terms of concrete comparisons and contrasts, and could be a little tighter in terms of delivery for me, but it definitely shows skill, if not talent, for this type of writing.

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