Tree of Liberty


Results 1 to 6 of 6

Thread: Tree of Liberty

  1. #1

    Tree of Liberty

    Blessed are those men, who are free
    To walk about in meadows green
    And rest out in the sunny field
    In the shade of tree of liberty

    Be not afraid, when you might well
    Find bleached skulls next to that tree
    They are from men like you are - free
    To protect this tree they fell

    No easy thing's to grow this tree
    To thrive, it must be always wet
    With hero blood and patriot sweat
    It's branches pruned with weapon steel

    Remeber that, you, who are free
    When you walk the meadows green
    And rest out in the sunny field
    In the shade of tree of liberty

  2. #2
    Quote Originally Posted by CyberWar View Post
    In the shade of tree of liberty
    This line needs revision, it's ungrammatical as it is.

    In the shaded tree of liberty
    In the shady tree of liberty
    In the shade of liberty's tree

    I like "In the shade of liberty's tree" most. It has that nice jingoist feel to it, personifying Liberty (a la the statue)

  3. #3
    Thank you for sharing your poem, CyberWar. I like this poem. I feel it's pretty straight forward while creating a consistent image. My main critique: I think you can grow this puppy to an even bigger beast. I feel this is just the beginning of another 5 to 8 verses. I know you have wrapped it up in the last stanza, but after reading the whole thing, it leaves me wanting a bit more to fulfill the image you have built, to build it even more. I think this will allow the reader more time to get engrossed in the piece and allow you to expound on the image(s), subsequently and hopefully making this poem even more powerful. Great work and thank you for sharing! Best, W


    Blessed are those men, who are free
    To walk about in meadows green
    And rest out in the sunny field
    In the shade of tree of liberty - I'm wonder if it was "In the shade tree of liberty" without the 'of', would it make a difference since the title IS Tree of Liberty?

    Be not afraid, when you might well
    Find bleached skulls next to that tree
    They are from men like you are - free -- Here it starts to sound a bit wonky. I have a feeling I know what you're doing here. Could you explain a bit please? Are you trying to say they are as
    To protect this tree they fell dead as we are free? Sorry if I missed this.


    No easy thing's to grow this tree -- I like the rhyme scheme generated here as well as the last line "pruned with weapon steel". I feel it could get even deeper. Check some of your grammar.
    To thrive, it must be always wet
    With hero blood and patriot sweat
    It's branches pruned with weapon steel

    Remeber that, you, who are free
    When you walk the meadows green
    And rest out in the sunny field
    In the shade of tree of liberty

  4. #4
    Quote Originally Posted by luckyscars View Post
    This line needs revision, it's ungrammatical as it is.

    In the shaded tree of liberty
    In the shady tree of liberty
    In the shade of liberty's tree

    I like "In the shade of liberty's tree" most. It has that nice jingoist feel to it, personifying Liberty (a la the statue)
    I agree, but can I suggest instead "In shade of the tree of liberty"
    You can never hate something so thoroughly as that which destroys what you love, and who is more guilty of this crime than the stranger who was once a lover?

  5. #5
    They are from men like you are - free -- Here it starts to sound a bit wonky. I have a feeling I know what you're doing here. Could you explain a bit please? Are you trying to say they are as
    To protect this tree they fell dead as we are free? Sorry if I missed this.
    What I meant to say is that the skulls once belonged to free men who fell to defend their freedom, embodied by the tree. The reader who has come to rest in the shade of the proverbial tree is a free person, like the fallen defenders were, because of their sacrifice.

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by andrewclunn View Post
    I agree, but can I suggest instead "In shade of the tree of liberty"

    I like this and it's up to you which to use, but you could also say "In shade of tree liberty" It's a big move to change title etc but Tree Liberty can work too. I actually Like Tree Liberty. "In the shade of tree liberty" I think it's your call and preference, unless this is an actual place and don't want to change the name or for other reasons. Andrewclunn. I'm merely playing around with words. I'm rather incompetent when I'm in the forums, at least I feel that way. There are so many great poets and writers in here that can really help get you moving with this and just pick the poem apart.

    Here's my personal stance on this poem. I think these verses are the beginning of something. I bet you cut out a lot of verses from this, no? That's OK. If you were more critiquey while composing, you may not have. Regardless of your creating style, I don't feel this ends where you left off. Elongate the image(s) and concede, that's what others have told me. But it can be difficult.

    Your poem might be stronger if we know where the liberty tree is in relation to the reader (or writer). Who planted it? How did it come to be (even more info)? Since there is a bone garden under the cemetery tree, I'd like to see the characters. I'm just throwing ideas. Your poem is going in the right direction, wants to go somber and sad but with one line it could change gears

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
This website uses cookies
We use cookies to store session information to facilitate remembering your login information, to allow you to save website preferences, to personalise content and ads, to provide social media features and to analyse our traffic. We also share information about your use of our site with our social media, advertising and analytics partners.