A Heart to Heart

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  1. #1

    A Heart to Heart

    A Heart to Heart

    Upon a high arched mountaintop,
    where slope the sunlit green treetops
    and Sky’s foundation made of blue
    is Heaven’s bottom floor,
    a spiral staircase led straight up
    and smelled of fresh cake uncorrupt
    then emptied to a chambered room
    just past a chambered door.

    A Justice scale loomed silent there
    suspending plates each side on air
    and Osiris sat a jeweled throne
    of gold and blue and red.
    My time was up. It was too late
    to change my Life, to change my Fate
    when Anubis, large with jackal ears,
    said “Here we judge the Dead.”

    “One side the scale is placed your heart
    wherein wisdom rests from end to start.
    Man fools himself and thinks to gain
    but wisdom rests not in the brain.
    Lightened is the heart that lifts Humanity
    from evil, waste and a world’s insanity.
    Heavy is the heart that drags Man down
    to selfishly gain some feeble ground.”

    “And no lie or alibi from them fails to dupe
    the scale’s prime measurer, the Feather of Truth.
    For a lightened heart will not the Feather overtip
    but one made heavy will the scale down dip
    and the Devourer will come, croc jaws ice cold,
    to eat hearts heavy made by deeds of heartless Souls.
    But the lightened heart will pass to a cosmic clime
    where Souls commune the universe ‘til Resurrection time.”

    “Now your hour has come and you tremble with Fear.
    They’re bringing your heart. It’s close. It’s near.
    You’ve had a lifetime of heartbeats, true and untrue.
    Now their worth against the Feather is the measure of you.”

    "Step forward”

    Last edited by Namyh; January 27th, 2020 at 12:08 AM.

  2. #2
    OK,so we have the Final Moment of Reckoning. A choice subject.

    But before even going near your ideas or heavy use of abstract rather than concrete images you need to hear the sound.

    Your first stanza is an octet (eight-line verse) in tetrameter - four beats to the line, except for the last, which has three.

    The second stanza is approximately the same but stumbles a little, and after that you seem to lose control of the beat.

    If you start with an emphatic tempo and rhyming scheme you have set up an expectation - almost a contract - with the reader.

    I strongly urge you to read these verses aloud to yourself, using normal emphases on the words and not trying to distort the accents. Perhaps then you will hear where the verses have gone off the rails rhythmically.

    In a couple of places you have inverted/contorted phrases in order to force the rhyme.
    It is much better if you are a beginner (I donít know) to avoid rhyme till you can control tempo.

    You certainly have the beginning of something here. You might consider a sort of modified ballade - with only three verses of eight lines each.

    Go with it!

  3. #3
    Hi Namyh, good to see you back with another of your beautiful depictions of age-old stories. You have not lost that light, 'fairytale' touch as you describe the journey to the Judging Chamber of Heaven. The first four lines of this poem illustrate your unique talent beautifully. I enjoyed the whole poem in that the story progresses smoothly and the imagery preserves the atmosphere of grandeur and mysticism. I did struggle with the rhythm in some lines in the final three stanzas and felt that some words could be eliminated or changed in order to deal with the problem.

    Apologies for the tardy reply to your post - I'm resurfacing from a horrible cold in the head that has befuddled my brain for the past couple of weeks. I'm getting back on track now.

  4. #4
    The Fox Smith's Avatar
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    Jun 2013
    The Heaven and Hell in my mind.
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    I was pleasantly surprised by this poem. The first couple lines were really awkward for me, but I'm glad I moved past that. The rest of the poem really shines, as if it were a runner who stumbled off the gun but came back and ultimately broke the ribbon first.

    As Tirra mentioned, maybe try to bring out some more specific imagery and sensations. Perhaps in between the "dialogue"? As it is, you have more than enough abstract elements playing here. Now try a couple more like those that you busted out at the beginning with to balance this poem.
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  5. #5
    Join Date
    Feb 2020
    The North
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    Maybe you should review some of the rhymes which aren’t quite there – eg.dupe/truth. up/corrupt.
    Also ‘Heaven’s bottom floor’ why not try ‘lowest floor’? sounds betterthan bottom.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Mar 2020
    Nice narrative, great storytelling, you have something here, I just don't know what it is, but at least you are able to write something interesting, you have some great imagery throughout the stanzas, I don't know what else to say about it, it's just great writing. Thanks for sharing.

  7. #7
    Member RobMcC's Avatar
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    Jul 2020
    Interesting choice of subject and great use of description. I particularly like how this poems ends and became more engaged the more I read.


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