Your Heart Lake


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Thread: Your Heart Lake

  1. #1

    Your Heart Lake

    Your Heart Lake

    I wish I were that little pebble
    Thrown into your heart lake
    Disturbing your peace
    Stirring up ripples, and your heart waves
    I can't resist
    The attraction from the bottom of your lake
    Sinking into the deepest part
    From now on I enjoy your peace
    Your broadness
    And your gentleness
    Call for submissions Hidden Content


    “奇遇” The Wonder of Encounters: A collection of short stories By Minglu Zheng

  2. #2
    Quote Originally Posted by xiaoman View Post
    Your Heart Lake

    I wish I were that little pebble
    Thrown into your heart lake
    Disturbing your peace
    Stirring up ripples, and your heart waves
    I can't resist
    The attraction from the bottom of your lake
    Sinking into the deepest part
    From now on I enjoy your peace
    Your broadness
    And your gentleness

    Lovely again, xiaoman.

    I think you need to make the link to the heart only once,
    so I think Line 4 should be just ‘stirring up ripples’.

    What if you did not have the last three lines - they take us into abstraction and away from the FEEL of the water...

    The poems you posted on your blog page in 2015 are not at all abstract - they stay in the concreteness of the observed world.
    Last edited by Tirralirra; January 27th, 2020 at 12:31 PM.

  3. #3
    Thank you for your comments Trirralirra!One of the posts in my blog is The Fault of Qin《过秦论》that I have translated from Chinese into English but not yet finished.
    I think poems don’t have to be abstract all the time as well when translating an essay that reads like a poem. Being accurate is the most important thing when it comes to translation. I agree with you on taking the last three lines off.
    Call for submissions Hidden Content


    “奇遇” The Wonder of Encounters: A collection of short stories By Minglu Zheng

  4. #4
    Xiaoman, I really enjoyed the poem!

    I agree with the previous comment to remove the last three lines. I like how you write "I can't resist". You express how you desire to be in the heart lake really beautifully and it demonstrates what loving or desiring someone feels like. I would potentially consider changing "that little pebble" to simply "the pebble" or "a pebble". "The little pebble" reads very meek and childish to me, but that is just a personal opinion. Enjoyed it!

    -francisjones7

  5. #5
    Hi Xiaoman. I really like what you're doing here. I think you need to tighten up the language and do some small edits. You have everything here, so you just need to refine word choice and decide what works and what doesn't. I'd recommend playing around with it to see if you can make it tighter and you've got yourself I nice poem here!. I hope you don't mind, but I did just that real quick (edited) and kept your voice. I think you can move through this whole poem without even saying 'heart' or 'lake' since it's in the title and you're painting an image within the poem that clearly is indicative of the title. Great work and thank you for sharing! Best, W

    Your Heart Lake

    I wish I were that little pebble
    Thrown into your heart
    Disturbing any peace
    To stir ripples for edges to resist the wake

    I can't resist you
    So I'll sink to bottom
    Into the gentle deep
    From here, I'll enjoy your peace

  6. #6
    Space,I really appreciate your help! Looks much better. I wrote it in Chinese first and then translated it. Your comments are very helpful!
    Call for submissions Hidden Content


    “奇遇” The Wonder of Encounters: A collection of short stories By Minglu Zheng

  7. #7
    Sounds great. one last suggestion s:

    Change “that” to “a” in first line.
    This is a great poem that can do a few things in way of meaning. Very nice.

  8. #8
    A good conceit shouldn't be too obvious concerning it's depth. Don't define the poem cut the word "heart" out of the poem. Make the image "your lake." This makes the lover the lake. It's obvious that it is a love poem by the tone and character of the complete poem. Short poems are harder to write than longer ones because they have to be condensed very carefully. The extended metaphor is working well. Just don't be too obvious with it. Let the reader think a bit on their own. Let them enter into the poem to have an epiphany. Then when they get the metaphor; they will be overwhelmed by you images. Let the images do the work and keep the telling words out of the poem.

    When you say "Your heart lake" you are telling me what to think about the lake. That it is him. Let the innuendo the metaphor do that inside the depth of the poem's text.

    Your Heart Lake

    I wish I were a little pebble

    Thrown into the heart lake
    Disturbing (the lake's) peace
    Stirring up ripples, and your heart waves
    I can't resist — (a pebble can't resist)
    (an) attraction from the bottom of your (lake bed ) — definitely get the word "OF" out of your vocabulary in any metaphor, It's only for beginners. use a verb or parallel lines.
    Sinking into the deepest part —great line here, this is how the whole poem needed to be written. It's the conceit in action haloing the that he is the lake.
    From now on I enjoy (the lake's) peace — Keep your lines direct and short and to the point concerning the image and not the telling.
    (The lake) broadness
    And your gentleness

    You might want to try to get the word pebble or small stone into the closing of the poem to make the poem circular in character. This is a great start on a conceit. Maybe cut the word "I" after the first line in the rest of the poem and replace it as if the pebble is talking as the voice of the poem. That the little pebble is speaking to the lake.
    A poet friend'
    RH Peat

  9. #9
    Great! A lot of techniques to learn. I agree with you. I accept your comments, thank you very much for your time Rh peat!
    Call for submissions Hidden Content


    “奇遇” The Wonder of Encounters: A collection of short stories By Minglu Zheng

  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by xiaoman View Post
    Great! A lot of techniques to learn. I agree with you. I accept your comments, thank you very much for your time Rh peat!

    Xiaoman

    Remember the art of the conceit is to keep extended metaphor in as many ways as possible. So that all the characters in the conceit are part of that metaphor. If you are going to use a give away line: make it short and extremely direct. You can't beat direct language in poetry. Many want to flower up the sauce with too many spices. If you use an adjective for the metaphor make sure it extents the complete poem and not just the line. Every adjective should increase the interpretation of the complete conceit or poem whatever form it takes. Too many spices spoil the taste of the meat. Nice writing keep it up.

    a poet friend
    RH Peat

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