A trip to the ruins


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Thread: A trip to the ruins

  1. #1
    Member Moonbeast32's Avatar
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    A trip to the ruins

    Sorry if there's formatting issues, posting from my phone.

    Don't really have plans for this piece, mostly just exercising my ability to describe things.

    Survarth stood unmoving against the weak but persistent breeze. Hands clasped behind his back, and his eyes slightly squinted against the light, he held an authoritative posture typically reserved for sculptures. He wore an emerald vest made from woven braxweed, and trousers of bleached wool. It was an outfit of princely quality among labourer’s clothing, but the way they fit him had an off-putting effect, as if someone had put clothes on a silver statue. From whichever angle, his form seemed to suggest that a different sort of raiment was his natural pair, but no observer could quite guess what.

    Before and above Survarth were the ruins of Cretesteen. Impossibly white square pillars rose at uneven heights and distances along a large oval in the ground to form a sort of palace. Surrounding it in radial segments were a network of roads lined with little square buildings, all as white as the palace above. Small rectangular windows appeared on every side of the cubular buildings, including on the top face. The layers of roads and cubes extended outward for an aproxamate 2 miles from the palace, except where the city limits met a steep rocky bluff on the south western side.

    Survarth supposed that there was an odd sort of beauty to the ruins, though the longer one started, the more confusing the square pillars would appear. Of course, from above the ruins would give a much more visceral impression; the chaotic heights of the palace pillars resembling the jagged end of a broken bone, surrounded by rows and rows of teeth-like buildings. He concluded that the whole affair must have either been designed for a most peculiar trend of fashion, or in haste.

    For ruins, they were in a remarkable condition. From where he stood, Survarth could not spot any cracks or crumbling across the face of the palace. Neither were the surrounding buildings with any blemish save for on the northern front. There, a swath of rubble lay where the network of roads and buildings should have been, as if a giant finger fell from the clouds and swiped across the city, smearing it across the valley floor.

    As if coming to a decision, Survarth nodded and strode down the rocky knoll where he had perched. Coming down to the base of the knoll, he took a small leap from a fallen boulder and landed on the trail without breaking stride. There, he continued unflinchingly towards the great white complex a few miles out. The trail leading to it was clearly formed only recently, but had seen heavy traffic since its formation.
    Oh say, what is truth? 'Tis the fairest gem
    That the riches of worlds can produce,
    And priceless the value of truth will be when
    The proud monarch's costliest diadem
    Is counted but dross and refuse.

  2. #2
    Quote Originally Posted by Moonbeast32 View Post
    Sorry if there's formatting issues, posting from my phone.

    Don't really have plans for this piece, mostly just exercising my ability to describe things.

    Survarth stood unmoving still against the weak but persistent breeze. Hands clasped behind his back, and his eyes slightly (squinted is slightly open) squinted against the light, he held an authoritative posture typically reserved for sculptures. He wore an emerald vest made from woven braxweed, and trousers of bleached wool. It was an outfit of princely quality among labourer’s clothing, but the way they fit him had an off-putting effect, as if someone had put clothes on a silver statue. From whichever any direction angle, his form seemed to suggest that a different sort of raiment (this word usually applies to women’s clothing) was his natural pair, but no observer could quite guess what.

    Before and above Survarth were the ruins of Cretesteen. Impossibly (I would go with seemingly impossible which would be) Unimaginable white square pillars rose at uneven heights and distances along a large oval in the ground to form a sort type (You have a sort of already) of palace. Surrounding it in radial segments were a network of roads lined with little square buildings, all as white as the palace above. Small rectangular windows appeared on every side of the cubular (did you mean a geeky cool building when you used cubular?) buildings, including on the top face. The layers of roads and cubes extended outward for an aproxamate 2 miles from the palace, except where the city limits met a steep rocky bluff on the south western side.

    Survarth supposed that there was an odd sort of (you don’t need this ‘sort of.’) beauty to the ruins, though the longer one started, the more confusing the square pillars would appear. Of course, from Above the ruins would give a much more visceral impression; of the chaotic heights of the palace pillars resembling the jagged end of a broken bone, surrounded by rows and rows of teeth-like buildings. He concluded that the whole affair must have either been designed in haste or for a most peculiar trend of fashion, or in haste.

    For ruins, they were in a remarkable condition. From where he stood, Survarth could not spot any cracks or crumbling across the face of the palace. Neither were the surrounding buildings with any blemish save for on the northern front. There, a swath of rubble lay where the network of roads and buildings should have been, as if a giant finger fell from the clouds and swiped across the city, smearing it across the valley floor.

    As if coming to a decision, Survarth rubbed his chin in thought as he nodded and strode down the rocky knoll where he had perched. Coming down to the base of the knoll, he took a small leap from a fallen boulder and landed on the trail without breaking stride. There, he continued unflinchingly towards the great white complex a few miles out. The trail leading to it was clearly formed only recently, but had seen heavy traffic since its formation.
    I had some time to go over it. I hope I added a few good points.
    I like your descriptions because it didn't read like a laundry list to me, and maybe that's because you were traveling with his eyes.

  3. #3
    Twas good practice at being eloquent; you certainly included every $5 word available in the lexicon.
    But it felt a bit stuffy and formal because of this. Like you were trying too hard.
    Sort of like when you can tell an actor is acting.
    You have a solid mechanical control of your writing, so loosen up and write something that does not include words we have to google. Be a little more contemporary in how you narrate.

  4. #4
    Member KHK's Avatar
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    I would tend to agree with Ralph, although maybe not in such categorical terms.

    Your style of this description probably has its place in some very particular contexts... It's just that the number of such contexts (that I can imagine) is extremely limited.
    The text reads overly formal to me, and at times I felt the urge to skip over a few words that felt superfluous, in order to finally get to what it is you're saying.

    I guess the main question I have is: what are you trying to achieve? Write a text that flows naturally, even with some occasional flourish? Or impress the readers with your mastery of an advanced lexicon and your ability to describe complex scenery?

  5. #5
    Member KHK's Avatar
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    Oh, and the name of the main character...
    I find it somewhat awkward, phonetically speaking. Unless you have a solid reason to pick this particular name (because it belongs to the appropriate culture/language, for instance), I would suggest something more easily rolling off the tongue.

  6. #6
    I would agree with most of the points already made. You have a knack for vivid description of your setting, and your story leaves us with some questions about who this Survath is or why they’re here. But I would agree simpler language, to a degree, is more effective in writing because it makes it easier for readers of all kinds to follow. Very nice overall.

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