A trip to the ruins - Page 2

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Thread: A trip to the ruins

  1. #11
    I found it quite easy to read which is always good. Although I wonder if you need to always say 'Survarth' when 'he' might be enough. Sounds a bit repetitive.

  2. #12
    I liked the imaginative metaphors used here. For instance, "...as if a giant finger fell from the clouds and swiped across the city, smearing it across the valley floor." Is a very good way of suggesting to the reader a visceral, almost divine image of some sort. I do agree with some other posters, that perhaps it is a tad verbose. I honestly don't mind. It's a good way of expanding and using one's lexicon, especially if it was a particular narrative style that you intend to maintain for an entire story. I have one question: what is "braxweed"? I attempted routine googling but nothing came up.

  3. #13
    I agree with most of the above. It feels like you've tried too hard to describe every single aspect of the scene which is overkill. If this was an album it'd be a mid 70's prog album. Loosen up a bit and discover punk rock

  4. #14
    I think this is a good start. Maybe it could only use some simple sentences to help elaborate the descriptions.

  5. #15
    Quote Originally Posted by Moonbeast32 View Post
    Sorry if there's formatting issues, posting from my phone.

    Don't really have plans for this piece, mostly just exercising my ability to describe things.

    Survarth stood unmoving against the weak but persistent breeze. Hands clasped behind his back, and his eyes (1) slightly squinted against the light, he held an authoritative posture typically reserved for sculptures. He wore an emerald vest made from woven braxweed, and trousers of bleached wool. It was an outfit of princely quality among labourer’s clothing, (2) but the way they fit him had an off-putting effect, as if someone had put clothes on a silver statue. From whichever angle, his form (3) seemed to suggest that a different sort of raiment was his natural (4) pair, but no observer could quite guess what.

    (1) You don't need 'slightly' there. 'squinting' would do the job equally as well. (2) You've slipped into present tense with 'fit' here. I'd also reconsider 'off-putting effect'. It's rather nondescript because off-putting can mean many things to many people. (3) You can lose that. It either 'suggested' or it didn't. Suggested isn't a definite thing anyway which makes 'seemed to' redundant. (4) That's an unusual word, at least for me. Do you mean 'attire' and if 'pair' can be used that way, I've learned something new!

    Before and above Survarth were the ruins of Cretesteen. (1) Impossibly white square pillars rose at uneven heights and distances along a large oval in the ground to form a (2) sort of palace. Surrounding it in radial segments were a network of roads lined with little square buildings, all as white as the palace above. (3) Small rectangular windows appeared on every side of the (4) cubular buildings, (5) including on the top face. The layers of roads and cubes extended outward for an (6) aproxamate 2 miles from the palace, except where the city limits met a steep rocky bluff on the south western side.

    (1) 'Impossibly white' is also a little nondescript. I would reconsider that and perhaps find something white to compare it to. Something only YOU would think of. (2) There's that indecisiveness again. Try to avoid indecisiveness as much as possible. 'Slightly' needs care in using but in most cases 'seemed to', 'seemingly', 'sort of' etc, need to be eradicated at all costs. Be definite as much as possible. (3) This could be just a me thing but that makes it sound like they are manifesting in real time as the buildings are viewed. (4) Think about the word and what it natural implies in most cases. In this case, a cube is usually associated with something small. Like a 'sugar cube' for instance. That immediately shrunk the imagery for me. You could add 'vast' or 'large' but then again that would be an indication the word following isn't strong enough to carry the image itself. (5) I'm not clear on where those windows are placed. Is that on the roof or on the very top of the wall just before the roof? (6) Be definite. Just write 'for two miles'.

    Survarth (1) supposed that there was an odd sort of beauty to the ruins, though the longer one started, the more confusing the square pillars would appear. Of course, from above the ruins would give a much more visceral impression; (2) the chaotic heights of the palace pillars resembling the jagged end of a broken bone, surrounded by rows and rows of teeth-like buildings. He concluded that the whole affair must have either been designed for a most peculiar trend of fashion, or in haste.

    (1) 'Supposed', 'odd sort of'. Be confident. Be direct. Tell the reader EXACTLY what you're showing them. (2) This is more like it! This is YOU getting engaged with what you imagined. Use this as a rule of thumb when considering any rewrites. Good stuff.

    (1) For ruins, they were in a remarkable condition. From where he stood, Survarth could not spot any cracks or crumbling across the face of the palace. Neither were the surrounding buildings with any blemish save for on the northern front. There, a swath of rubble lay where the network of roads and buildings should have been, (2) as if a giant finger fell from the clouds and swiped across the city, smearing it across the valley floor.

    (1) Are ruins in remarkable condition, ruins at all? We have castles in Britain and then we have Castle Ruins. Generally speaking if what you're describing is ancient and in good condition, it just is what it is. (2) Here's were you are at play again, getting stuck right into your imagination and creating movement within the description. There are a few things though. If a finger 'fell' then the collision would be random but you've described it as 'swiping' which is intentional. You've also used 'smearing' which is associated with liquids. Just as an example and in no way meant to replace what you come up with yourself: 'as if a giant finger reached from the clouds and swiped across the city, scattering it across the valley floor'. Not great but I hope that gives you a better understanding of what I mean.

    As if coming to a decision, Survarth nodded and strode down the rocky knoll where he had perched. Coming down to the base of the knoll, he took a small leap from a fallen boulder and landed on the trail without breaking stride. There, he continued unflinchingly towards the great white complex a few miles out. The trail leading to it was clearly formed only recently, but had seen heavy traffic since its formation.
    Overall a pretty nice piece but with lots that needs tightening and rewriting (the fun part!) Good stuff, man.

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