Requiem: The Lost, The Taken

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  1. #1

    Requiem: The Lost, The Taken

    A little bit of the background and history of this story arc can be found here. And here.

    Nobody and Nog: The Lost and the Taken

    Nobody stood upon a barren shore. Sand ceded to hard, grey stone.
    Harsh grains across her brittle skin whipped in ghostly, echoed song—
    the song, a lament not of the lost but of the Taken; Nobody so alone.

    A song of glass and sand played on in a world striped of blue tones.
    The yellows and reds shone, livid a tenebrous sky, deep as it is long.
    Nobody stood upon a barren shore. Sand ceded to hard, grey stone.

    Pieced and patient, she needed answers there in the golden unknown.
    So as the wind blew, she listened to the dunes, their enthralling song—
    the song, a lament not of the lost but of the Taken; Nobody so alone.

    Whispers of fresh morning dew, dreams of the constellations sown
    ‘cross the aphotic reaches of night deep seas, of stories gone wrong,
    such was the refrain that played upon the dreary shore of grey stone.

    It was the murmur of the desert darkness, a warning from her bones—
    the voice, a malevolent hush, a silken brush of her friend long gone.
    Such is the Ballad of Nog: Chimaera who faced the Manticore alone.

    And so she waits for them, stories in the stars—constellations shown.
    To light her way, Nobody, the Lost sought the Socks Fox of the song.
    Nobody upon a dreary shore, a promise to the Taken set in cold stone.
    Her song, a lament not of the lost but of the Taken; Nobody so alone.

    Requiem of Helia

    The Song of Bitters winged o’er the once fabled cobalt sands—
    Cling ting, biting ring of fine grains against her crazed fingers,
    an evening prayer offered by Nobody, courage in fragile hands.

    This was the requiem of lost Helia, Turtle of Daybright Star,
    the Turtle who shone in the great veil of storied Turtle Moon—
    the younger, the lesser Turtle, whose light shone twice as far.

    For in a place of dreamscape capers where sleep held sway,
    life-giving light had to tender a resignation to endless night
    so the lost and tattered got a chance, a chance to find the way.

    Livid stain ‘cross the vivid sky, the Heartblood of a Lore—
    a reminder of those now missing, those loved, those taken,
    bloodied, maimed light, a battle standard above the shore.

    Nobody’s eyes, a crimson glaze mirrored the gory haze—
    as tenebrous folds of night unfurl to swallow Helia whole.
    The blood of Helia, price for a way out of Tatter’s maze.
    Last edited by Darkkin; January 19th, 2020 at 02:12 PM.

  2. #2
    Another example of your sublime descriptions in magical phrasing which we have come to expect in your poetic offerings.

    I noticed a change of tense in the middle line of the second stanza but, other than that, as immaculate as ever. It's always a pleasure to read these instalments of your epic tale.

  3. #3
    Member Irwin's Avatar
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    Jul 2019
    Blog Entries
    Darkkin, I like your style. It almost feels like a confluence of poetry and prose. Who are your influences, if you don't mind me asking?

    A few suggestions for the first stanza:

    Nobody stood upon a dreary shore. Sand ceded to hard, grey stone.
    Maybe find a stronger adjective than "dreary," since it's used several times in the poem.
    Across her brittle skin harsh grain whipped, a ghostly echoed songó
    Unless I'm reading that wrong, you need a comma between skin and harsh. Or, you could move the prepositional phrase to after the verb: Harsh grain whipped across her brittle skin, although that would affect the impact of the next phrase. You could actually remove the comma after whipped so harsh grain whipped a ghostly echoed song... where the grain is whipping a song. That might not be your intention, though.
    the song, a lament not of the lost but of the taken, Nobody so alone.
    I don't think you need to repeat the word song. There should be a period after "taken"--not a comma, since Nobody is capitalized. Otherwise, it's a comma splice.

    NOTE: I'm a novice at poetry, so take my suggestions with a grain of salt.

  4. #4
    A few tweaks made. The song refrain did stay because of the villanelle's inherent relationship to the French round. The harsh line has been adjusted. Spot on about that, Irwin. It needed some reworking. The comma splice has been addressed as well, but as a period would be too abrupt its positoning within the line, I used a semicolon instead. Same effect, but with softer edges. As to the song that is echoing through the air, it is the sound of fine grains of sand when they impact hollow glass. An empty jar in a roaring snowstorm produces a similar type of hum. It is a singular sound, enthralling and eerie, not something that is not soon forgotten once heard. The singing dunes along the Nubian coast embody the odd occurence.

    And as the day fades, Helia swallowed by the folds of night, the wind shifts, altering the voice of the sand's song...from that of loss to expectation.

    As to influences, it is a hundred thousand little things over the course of time. I read fantasy, romance, and nonsense. I devour nonfiction, (particularly science, pyschology, and history). I indulge in picture books, children's literature, and graphic novels. About the only things I don't read are mainstream farming authors like Patterson and E L James. Like a little kid with a huge bin of legos, I tend to dump everything on the floor and start with random pieces. I stick them together to see what works and where they will take me and for some reason it seems to work.

    Appreciate the insight and the reads from both of you.

    - D.

  5. #5
    Member Thomas Norman's Avatar
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    Apr 2019
    West Wales UK
    I love the story here told Darkin. You have a way with words and phrases that is appealing and subtle.

    My feeling for rhythm tells me that it does break down in a few places. For instance, in the first line the comma causes a hiatus; read without the line flows better.

    In the Requium S3 end of the final line seems to be missing to between chance and find. ​Or am I missreading the line?

  6. #6
    Couple more adjustments and nice catch on the missing to. As always, the insight and feedback is appreciated.

    - D.


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