Too much was just enough...


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Thread: Too much was just enough...

  1. #1

    Too much was just enough...

    We muse away the hours
    pretending our desire can wait
    the wine bottle is empty
    but the sun is as seductive
    as your breath on my skin and our
    blanket covers us with the illusion
    of secret seclusion
    urgently
    I press my softness against your
    reservation
    woo you with my intimate curves
    later you will say I seduced you
    and I will blame it on the wine
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  2. #2
    Quote Originally Posted by Firemajic View Post

    We muse away the hours Muse is decidedly awkward in this line. Wile is the more impactful and linear word choice, even if it is the more common.
    pretending our desire can wait Remove our, as the pronoun is redundant and inferred within the context...

    That being said, consider starting your piece with L3 this is where the impetious and heart of the piece rest. Us the impact and snare the reader right out of the gate.

    the wine bottle stands empty
    but the sun is seductive remove as
    like your breath on my skin clip and our a simple the on the next line smooths a rough transition.
    the blanket offers us illusions remove the preposition with the and consider replacing covers with offers
    of secret seclusion nice alliteration...

    Consider starting a new stanza...You are at the seduction.
    urgently
    I press my softness against your
    reservation This section the innate femininity against the harshness of masculinity really works well. That line is where all the power of the wiles rests. Don't hand the conclusion to the reader on a silver platter. Consider clipping the wooing line and adding a space making your last two lines a separate stanza for more impactful closing.

    later you will say I seduced you
    and I will blame it on the wine
    Overall a powerful piece, but it can be tightened up a bit.

    - D.


  3. #3
    I like the gentle subtlety that you use when describing the scene and the way it developes. The passion is left to the imagination and that fits so well with the underlying vibe of reticence and guilt. I agree with Darkkin's suggestion of separating those two final lines. They hold the key to the relationship and everything that has transpired.

    I enjoyed this poem a lot. It creates a story and the way you have phrased the lines - gently bringing in the reader like a silent observer - is deliciously naughty.

  4. #4
    hello Fire - long time no chat....

    [QUOTE=Firemajic;2263968
    ]We muse away the hours
    pretending our desire can wait = really like the nearly in-rhyme
    the wine bottle is empty = a statement to ground the reader
    but the sun is as seductive - yet
    as your breath on my skin and our - as breath upon skin = keep it universal
    blanket covers us with the illusion = and the blanket covers us
    with the illusion
    of secret seclusion
    urgently
    I press my softness against your
    reservation
    woo you with my intimate curves - love woo ! - the opposite of intimate here
    later you will say I seduced you = possible contractions? - you'll - I'll
    and I will blame it on the wine
    /[Firemajic;2263968
    ]QUOTE]

    love the understated truth of that last couplet.................enjoyed

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Firemajic View Post
    We muse away the hours
    pretending our desire can wait
    the wine bottle is empty
    but the sun is as seductive
    as your breath on my skin and our
    blanket covers us with the illusion
    of secret seclusion
    urgently
    I press my softness against your
    reservation
    woo you with my intimate curves
    later you will say I seduced you
    and I will blame it on the wine
    Revised

    We flirt away hours
    pretending desire can wait
    the wine bottle stands empty
    but the sun is seductive
    as breath on skin
    the blanket offers illusions
    of secret seclusion

    Urgently I press my softness
    against your reservation

    Later you'll say I seduced you
    and I'll blame it on the wine...


    Quote Originally Posted by Darkkin View Post
    Overall a powerful piece, but it can be tightened up a bit.

    - D.
    Thank you, Darkkin! I appreciate your critique and I have revised my poem based on many of your suggestions


    Quote Originally Posted by jenthepen View Post
    I like the gentle subtlety that you use when describing the scene and the way it developes. The passion is left to the imagination and that fits so well with the underlying vibe of reticence and guilt. I agree with Darkkin's suggestion of separating those two final lines. They hold the key to the relationship and everything that has transpired.

    I enjoyed this poem a lot. It creates a story and the way you have phrased the lines - gently bringing in the reader like a silent observer - is deliciously naughty.
    LOL... naughty, but not too risqué, I hope Thank you, it is always a pleasure to see my poetry through your eyes....


    [QUOTE=ned;2264380]hello Fire - long time no chat....

    Quote Originally Posted by Firemajic;2263968
    We muse away the hours
    pretending our desire can wait = really like the nearly in-rhyme
    the wine bottle is empty = a statement to ground the reader
    but the sun is as seductive - yet
    as your breath on my skin and our - as breath upon skin = keep it universal
    blanket covers us with the illusion = and the blanket covers us
    with the illusion
    of secret seclusion
    urgently
    I press my softness against your
    reservation
    woo you with my intimate curves - love woo ! - the opposite of intimate here
    later you will say I seduced you = possible contractions? - you'll - I'll
    and I will blame it on the wine
    /[Firemajic;2263968
    ]QUOTE]

    love the understated truth of that last couplet.................enjoyed
    Hello, Ned, nice to see you out and about ... Thank you for reading and for your critique, I used some of your pointers... Hope to see you around, much more...
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  6. #6
    [QUOTE=Firemajic;2264509]Revised

    We flirt away hours
    pretending desire can wait
    the wine bottle stands empty
    but the sun is seductive
    as breath on skin
    the blanket offers illusions
    of secret seclusion

    Urgently I press my softness
    against your reservation

    Later you'll say I seduced you
    and I'll blame it on the wine...


    Hullo again Firemajic! And yes, again a poem definitely in there.

    But this newbie is now puzzled about some of the posting etiquette around here. The thread is headed by your original, but now you have posted Revision 1 within a response in this thread and not as a new thread. As this is a very young thread, people are still eyeing it off, and if they don’t read all the comments they will concentrate on your first version. Isn’t this a little misleading?

    And because it is so young, with the possibility of more comments coming, is it not too early to post a revision? Some say a revision should hold back for quite some time...

    To business:
    as they actually did flirt away hours, there was no pretence - desire did wait.

    I do not understand the relevance or connection between the next lines. The wine bottle stands empty - meaning what? Time has passed, perhaps? But the sun... why ‘but’? Time has already passed before the ‘but’...
    ‘Seductive’ - so they want to continue basking - so why hide under the blanket?
    ’Secret seclusion’ - ‘seclusion’ itself already implies hiddennes
    .
    ’my softness against your reservation’ - the sort of euphemism one finds in the True Love category of Romance???
    I think you need to do some vocabulary mining here.


    As to seduction, I think the ‘illusion-seclusion’ alliteration has seduced you into leaving this too cute wordplay alive. As it stands it is suddenly out of character with the previous tone and also raises the disappointingly unfulfilled expectation of more alliteration later. Remember: ‘Murder your darlings.’

    Yes there is a poem in here. Your poem. If my musings are completely irrelevant, then please, discard!

    I did enjoy the potential in your poem.

  7. #7
    [QUOTE=Tirralirra;2264700]
    Quote Originally Posted by Firemajic View Post
    Revised

    We flirt away hours
    pretending desire can wait
    the wine bottle stands empty
    but the sun is seductive
    as breath on skin
    the blanket offers illusions
    of secret seclusion

    Urgently I press my softness
    against your reservation

    Later you'll say I seduced you
    and I'll blame it on the wine...


    Hullo again Firemajic! And yes, again a poem definitely in there.

    But this newbie is now puzzled about some of the posting etiquette around here. The thread is headed by your original, but now you have posted Revision 1 within a response in this thread and not as a new thread. As this is a very young thread, people are still eyeing it off, and if they don’t read all the comments they will concentrate on your first version. Isn’t this a little misleading?

    And because it is so young, with the possibility of more comments coming, is it not too early to post a revision? Some say a revision should hold back for quite some time.

    **** I assume that anyone reading, will start with the poem and then read all of the responses... I want to show how the critiques are used and how I edited the poem...

    If more critiques come in, and I feel another edit is needed, I will do that... my poems are and will always be a WIP...


    .
    ’my softness against your reservation’ - the sort of euphemism one finds in the True Love category of Romance?

    OUCH!!! lol.... well I am not a fan of Romance Novels....and do not read them, but maybe I should...
    Thank you for your critique, I will think about every suggestion, you made some valid points...


    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  8. #8
    Firemajic - It had just enough heat to ignite the passion. I liked it. Namyh

  9. #9
    I liked this poem a lot. I'm not a poet. I won't pretmd to understand some of the points made by others. I prefer the original. For me it is more evocative and the pacing of the lines, without gaps, i prefer that. 'urgently' just on its own, it works for me. And the ending, it made me smile. P

  10. #10
    The revision certainly shows receptiveness. Your draft versus your revision are day and night to me. I agree, unless your poetry is meant to be personal experiences hidden/written in prose, keep it vague and or universal in description. "The sun was as seductive as your breath on my skin." We have no idea what that felt like to you, could be hot and bothersome, could be just cool enough and relaxing. The poem sounds like two best friends that made the mistake of linking up, and now the protagonist has to find a way to keep the antagonist around without messing up the way it was, or this was an affair. After revision, 10/10.5 from me. Reminds me of the monologues from the protagonist of "You"-- juuust a lil' biiit-- or like American Psycho's protagonist Patrick Bateman.
    Last edited by Chiefster; March 24th, 2020 at 02:43 PM.

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