If you don't have a life jacket, don't rock the boat...


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Thread: If you don't have a life jacket, don't rock the boat...

  1. #1

    If you don't have a life jacket, don't rock the boat...

    I sail a word sea between
    my poetry's torn pages
    navigate terrible secrets
    cover myself with obscure reflections
    and restrain the beast within my pen
    tap dancing around truth's razor edge
    proves I am still sane
    please don't sink my paper boat
    Last edited by Firemajic; January 5th, 2020 at 02:21 PM.
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  2. #2
    Punctuation would make it easier to read.

    I sail a word sea between
    my poetry's torn pages,
    navigate terrible secrets,
    cover myself with obscure reflections,
    and restrain the beast within my pen.
    Tap dancing around truth's razor edge
    proves I am still sane.
    Please don't sink my paper boat.

    My next thought is there are some nice images, 'Tap dancing around truth's razor edge' actually creates a visual image of you doing it in my head

    Next thought, the last line seems weak. Critical storms sink paper boats, but will the voyage ever be completed anyway?
    Visit my website to read and connect to my 'soundcloud', where you can listen to stories songs and more
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  3. #3
    Writing sometimes feels dangerous for me because I know that I inevitably reveal things about myself through writing that I wouldn't normally reveal during a casual conversation. To know that even some of my own students (who told me they read my novel) have seen that side of me is certainly a little weird.
    Author of CIBA 'Clue Awards' Semifinalist The Lone Escapist, published by Read Lips Press, available on Amazon.
    *Voted #4 of Best 'Escapist' Novels by Book Lovin' Geek Mamas, NYC

    Dan Rhys - Author
    Hidden Content

  4. #4
    It's so easy to identify with the sentiment in your poem and the way you have presented it, with both brevity and depth is superb. I've set out the way that your words affected me (below) but any changes are mere tinkering. This is a great piece of work.

    I sail a word sea between
    my poetry's torn pages The vivid imagery of the first two lines hooked me into this poem immediately.
    navigate terrible secrets The two three-syllable words here feel awkward to read. Try the line with another word, nasty perhaps?
    cover myself with obscure reflections I'd take out the word 'obscure' but that could be just me.
    and restrain the beast within my pen This one and the next two lines are just beautiful! Don't change anything about them!
    tap dancing around truth's razor edge
    proves I am still sane
    please don't sink my paper boat After the fantastic lines above it, this line could go. I don't think it's needed.

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Dan Rhys View Post
    Writing sometimes feels dangerous for me because I know that I inevitably reveal things about myself through writing that I wouldn't normally reveal during a casual conversation.
    Isn’t that the point, Dan?

  6. #6
    navigate terrible secrets
    cover myself with obscure reflection salt (wind, spray, etc...)
    and restrain the beast within my pen
    tap dancing around truth's the razor‘s edge
    proves I am still sane


    Avoid the abstract. Stick to the concrete. It’s obvious what the razor’s edge is. It’s so much sharper and more dangerous without invoking the abstract... it’s so much more delicious.
    Last edited by TL Murphy; January 5th, 2020 at 10:11 PM.

  7. #7
    WF Veteran Gofa's Avatar
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    Glass half full glass half empty or the scary rule of the excluded third there is no glass

    half full final line

    my paper boat buoyant still

    “please don't” play the victim card
    nor take my sunshine away


    PS glass half full
    if you have a life jacket please rock my boat
    We are the measure of all things. And the beauty of our creation, of our art is proportional to the beauty of ourselves of our souls. Jonas Mekas

  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Olly Buckle View Post
    Punctuation would make it easier to read.

    I sail a word sea between
    my poetry's torn pages,
    navigate terrible secrets,
    cover myself with obscure reflections,
    and restrain the beast within my pen.
    Tap dancing around truth's razor edge
    proves I am still sane.
    Please don't sink my paper boat.

    My next thought is there are some nice images, 'Tap dancing around truth's razor edge' actually creates a visual image of you doing it in my head

    Next thought, the last line seems weak. Critical storms sink paper boats, but will the voyage ever be completed anyway?

    Hello, Olly... I am glad you liked the imagery ... Yes, storms will sink a paper boat, that was exactly my point... a paper boat is fragile, and easily destroyed... like the illusion of sanity... Thank you for reading and commenting...


    Quote Originally Posted by Dan Rhys View Post
    Writing sometimes feels dangerous for me because I know that I inevitably reveal things about myself through writing that I wouldn't normally reveal during a casual conversation. To know that even some of my own students (who told me they read my novel) have seen that side of me is certainly a little weird.

    Writing poetry can give one the freedom to express and examine their dark side, and still keep a safe distance from the truth... yes? Thank you for your comments ;


    Quote Originally Posted by TL Murphy View Post
    navigate terrible secrets
    cover myself with obscure reflection salt (wind, spray, etc...)
    and restrain the beast within my pen
    tap dancing around truth's the razorĎs edge
    proves I am still sane


    Avoid the abstract. Stick to the concrete. Itís obvious what the razorís edge is. Itís so much sharper and more dangerous without invoking the abstract... itís so much more delicious.

    It is always a pleasure to read your comments, it helps me take a step back and examine my poem not just as a whole, but also word by word... I agree that I can cut the word "truth"...
    The "Obscure reflections" line was intentional... when one can't deal with the truth/ pain... viewing it as a mere reflection is much safer....but I will work on rewriting that line ... thank you so much, TL...
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  9. #9
    Quote Originally Posted by jenthepen View Post
    It's so easy to identify with the sentiment in your poem and the way you have presented it, with both brevity and depth is superb. I've set out the way that your words affected me (below) but any changes are mere tinkering. This is a great piece of work.

    I sail a word sea between
    my poetry's torn pages The vivid imagery of the first two lines hooked me into this poem immediately.
    navigate terrible secrets The two three-syllable words here feel awkward to read. Try the line with another word, nasty perhaps?
    cover myself with obscure reflections I'd take out the word 'obscure' but that could be just me.
    and restrain the beast within my pen This one and the next two lines are just beautiful! Don't change anything about them!
    tap dancing around truth's razor edge
    proves I am still sane
    please don't sink my paper boat After the fantastic lines above it, this line could go. I don't think it's needed.

    Jen, thank you so much for reading, your comments are treasured... I am working on a rewrite of this poem... but, dammit, Jen, I hate like hell to lose that last line! That was the line that inspire this poem... maybe I could keep the line, but move it to the top....I will post a rewrite asap...Thank you for all of your help, it is so appreciated...
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Gofa View Post
    Glass half full glass half empty or the scary rule of the excluded third there is no glass

    half full final line

    my paper boat buoyant still

    ďplease don'tĒ play the victim card
    nor take my sunshine away


    PS glass half full
    if you have a life jacket please rock my boat
    ummmm..... hummm.... okkkk..... soo.... Thanks?...
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

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