The Coming


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Thread: The Coming

  1. #1
    Member Thomas Norman's Avatar
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    The Coming

    And so it begins, that
    faint feather-breath from nowhere,
    like the disappearance of mist or
    the flick of an angelís wing.


    Spirit of light that transcends
    earthly possibility.


    I honour this coming
    from pure essence of magic
    wherein is captured
    a heart.


    My first, my only
    Love.

  2. #2
    First stanza is so evocative, and mysterious, that moment between dreaming and waking, when you are not sure if you are still dreaming... but for me, I simply wanted MORE...
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  3. #3
    Member Thomas Norman's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Firemajic View Post
    First stanza is so evocative, and mysterious, that moment between dreaming and waking, when you are not sure if you are still dreaming... but for me, I simply wanted MORE...
    Thanks very much Fire. I'm so pleased you liked this one as I don't write much free verse and not sure of the form.

    You wanted more? That also pleases me I'm sure you've heard the saying 'Less is ​more'. but you could dream on.

  4. #4
    Member Thomas Norman's Avatar
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    Oops, double post

  5. #5
    I enjoyed the way you managed to capture that mysterious moment when love begins - that elusive change from nothing to something. Many have experienced this strange phenomenom but few could have drawn it in words as effectively.

    My only suggestion for this enigmatic piece is that, for public consumption, I think it is stronger without the two final lines. I can understand that your wife would appreciate them though.

  6. #6
    Member Thomas Norman's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jenthepen View Post
    I enjoyed the way you managed to capture that mysterious moment when love begins - that elusive change from nothing to something. Many have experienced this strange phenomenom but few could have drawn it in words as effectively.

    My only suggestion for this enigmatic piece is that, for public consumption, I think it is stronger without the two final lines. I can understand that your wife would appreciate them though.
    Thank you Jen for the most generous comment. I'm pleased you engaged with the poem. Considering I'm not usually a free-verse writer that is a great satisfaction for me.

    Your suggestion is a valid one and I see now those lines are superfluous. Though I had to laugh as I am not married.

    Again, many thanks and it's good to see you on these pages.

  7. #7
    Thomas, I like the images. Try to say things directly and without the word “of” which splits the metaphor. (and I agree about cutting the last 2 lines


    And so it begins, that
    faint feather-breath from nowhere,
    like the disappeared of mist or
    the flicked of an angel’s wing.

    Light Spirit of light that transcends
    earthly possibility.

    I honour this coming
    from pure essence of magic. (“pure” and “essence of” mean the same thing. You don’t need both)
    wherein a heart is captured
    a heart.

  8. #8
    Member Thomas Norman's Avatar
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    Thanks Tim, I like some of what you suggest, the 'of' is intrusive.

    I approve the first stanza.
    I don't like 'Light Spirit'. in S2. I shall keep the original.
    S3. I question your statement that 'essence' and 'pure' mean the same. According to my dictionary essence is "the intrinsic feature of a thing which determines its identity". Pure is "unmixed, free from contaminants" That doesn't sound the same to me. However, now pointed out it does seem clumsy. I'll have to give it some thought as I don't really like 'from pure magic' it sounds cliched.

  9. #9
    Thomas, whether "pure" and "essence" mean exactly the same thing is not the point. "Pure essence" is redundant. Pure magic and essence of magic are the same.

  10. #10
    I love the poem Thomas. I think that the last two lines give the whole poem meaning.
    Quite beautiful. Thank you.

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