I wish I knew how to fly your kite - Page 3


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Thread: I wish I knew how to fly your kite

  1. #21


    Fire, this is a beautiful poem but since I don't write poetry like others I don't read it like others. Which kind of makes me a little weird. My suggestions below.



    I saw unwritten poems in your highway eyes
    ​not sure if this is a double entendre with 'highways' vs. high ways?
    felt tension in your bones as if you
    were being restrained {when I held you} This line seems more powerful w/o the bracketed words.
    felt you struggle like a kite on a short string Great allusion(was that your intent?)
    as I tried to cling to someone who What if this line was as I tried to fight the wind? Keep with the kite metaphor.
    already had leaving on his mind

    I will never be your future
    because I am already your past Again two very good lines
    I will not be the last in a long line
    of forgettable memories
    drifting like traveling tumbleweeds
    along the highway of your leaving again a double entendre?

    I would have left with you
    would have uprooted my roots change root to soul or spirit
    and never looked back
    if you had only asked
    but you did not want baggage
    it is easier to leave when you are weightless change are weightless to 'have no strings'
    and you are running from your past

    Maybe you would have stayed
    if I had asked
    but you needed to be untethered
    your dreams strained against love's restraint
    unable to sail the wind

    Sadly I let go of your string would adding 'and gladly' after Sadly work?



    Some people are like a force of nature and that's what I felt you were describing. I greatly enjoyed the imagery you created and presented. Thank you so much for sharing.
    "Illegitimi non carborundum " Vinegar' Joe Stilwell

    "Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase." Martin Luther King Jr.

    What you learn in life is important, those you help learn, are more important.

    "They can because they think they can."
    ​Virgil

    "Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools will speak to say something." Plato

    "The only difference between reality and fiction is that fiction needs to be credible."
    ​ Mark Twain

    "To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States." George W. Bush



  2. #22
    Pelwarath, I enjoyed reading you POV, I found it completely intriguing and I thank you for sharing your thoughts...

    As I learn about writing poetry, my goals are changing... I used to write poetry to show and share with the reader my POV, my thoughts and my emotions.... it was my mirror... now when I write, I want the reader to see my shadow , but I want them to look in my mirror and see their reflection .... I hope that makes sense...
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  3. #23
    Fire, that makes perfect sense!
    "Illegitimi non carborundum " Vinegar' Joe Stilwell

    "Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase." Martin Luther King Jr.

    What you learn in life is important, those you help learn, are more important.

    "They can because they think they can."
    ​Virgil

    "Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools will speak to say something." Plato

    "The only difference between reality and fiction is that fiction needs to be credible."
    ​ Mark Twain

    "To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States." George W. Bush



  4. #24
    Quote Originally Posted by Pelwrath View Post
    Fire, that makes perfect sense!
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  5. #25
    I like the idea of the poem as mirror. Whoever reads the poem sees their own reflection. That’s a good metaphor. It says a lot about poetry in few words.

  6. #26
    Nice poem.

    I'm not much of a poet myself but just one suggestion, maybe change "and never looked back," because it's a cliche.

  7. #27
    Quote Originally Posted by Ma'am View Post
    Nice poem.

    I'm not much of a poet myself but just one suggestion, maybe change "and never looked back," because it's a cliche.

    Damn those persistent clichés... they are a poet's cockroach... so sneaky and hard to get rid of

    I could change "and never looked back" to "and never went back"... or just cut that line altogether...

    Thank you for reading and commenting...
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  8. #28
    Fire, this poem had a big effect on me because I've recently lost two brothers who died just months apart and I experienced that conflict of emotions that forms the essence of your beautiful poem. I thought Tim and midnight gave some great advice but, because this one felt so close to my heart, I hope you'll forgive me for shoving in my two cents worth of critique. I've taken your original version and mostly followed the advice already given but some of those original lines struck with such power for me that I have tightened up in a different way. My alterations may not chime with your feelings about the poem, of course, but at least you'll see how it affected me. Thank you for helping me to release some of my grief as I read this wonderfully insightful poem. Anyway, here's the critique:


    I saw unwritten poems in your highway eyes
    felt tension in your bones as if you
    were being restrained when I held you
    felt you struggle, like a kite on a short string
    as I tried to cling to someone who
    already had leaving on his mind

    I will never be your future
    because I am already your past
    I will not be the last in a long line
    of forgettable memories
    drifting like traveling tumbleweed
    along the highway of your leaving

    I would have left with you
    would have uprooted my roots
    and never looked back
    if you had only asked
    but you did not want baggage


    Maybe you would have stayed
    if I had asked
    but you needed to be untethered
    your dreams strained against love's restraint
    unable to sail the wind
    It is easier to leave when you are weightless
    and you are running from your past.

    Sadly I let go of your string

  9. #29
    Dear Jen, to say "I am sorry for your loss" sounds so cliché... but I am so terribly sorry for your loss, and the grief that will be your companion for the rest of your life, such a loss changes one forever, how could it not...

    I love the delicate balance you struck, and the way the subtle changes, changes this poem... for me, I love all the different versions and visions of this poem and I love that you kept 2 of my favorite lines... for me, those lines speak poignantly of grief and of loving someone, but loving them enough to release them... thank you for your beautiful comments... *** hugs** to you, my fabulous friend...
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  10. #30
    Quote Originally Posted by Firemajic View Post
    Dear Jen, to say "I am sorry for your loss" sounds so cliché... but I am so terribly sorry for your loss, and the grief that will be your companion for the rest of your life, such a loss changes one forever, how could it not...

    I love the delicate balance you struck, and the way the subtle changes, changes this poem... for me, I love all the different versions and visions of this poem and I love that you kept 2 of my favorite lines... for me, those lines speak poignantly of grief and of loving someon e, but loving them enough to release them... thank you for your beautiful comments... *** hugs** to you, my fabulous friend...
    Thank you for the kind and loving words. I knew you would understand my feelings and also 'get' the reason why I wanted to hold on to those lines that expressed the sadness of loss but also the need to give permission for a loved one to leave without guilt. Your poem will stay with me for a long time.

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