Is This Sentence Grammatically Correct?


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Thread: Is This Sentence Grammatically Correct?

  1. #1

    Is This Sentence Grammatically Correct?

    Dear fellow writers:

    I am currently revising a summary for my ebook. Can you tell me if there are any problems with this sentence:

    And, while Roger is descending unstoppably to the abyss and to a more complete neurotic state of mind on account of his uncontrollable greed and fanaticism, and keeps pushing back the boundaries and grossly violating civil rights and turning Tito's family into secret puppet-agents, Tito's journeying internally in a very different direction: under sneaky but heavy financial attacks, he grows progressively more spiritual as events that unfold mysteriously sometimes come to his aid.


    I appreciate your suggestions.

  2. #2
    Quote Originally Posted by Jorge View Post
    Dear fellow writers:

    I am currently revising a summary for my ebook. Can you tell me if there are any problems with this sentence:

    And, while Roger is descending unstoppably to the abyss and to a more complete neurotic state of mind on account of his uncontrollable greed and fanaticism, and keeps pushing back the boundaries and grossly violating civil rights and turning Tito's family into secret puppet-agents, Tito's journeying internally in a very different direction: under sneaky but heavy financial attacks, he grows progressively more spiritual as events that unfold mysteriously sometimes come to his aid.


    I appreciate your suggestions.
    As far as I can tell, the grammar would pass. Starting a sentence with a conjunction like "and" is frowned upon by some, but has evolved into acceptability so long as it isn't too frequent. Also, some might prefer a semicolon to the colon as it could be replaced by "because". Both of the preceding are arguable either way, I believe.

    However, and this is important, it's a pig of a sentence to read and if there are many like this, I imagine most readers would be put off from continuing. As a writer, one of the goals is to keep the reader engaged, not trigger a mental breakdown through deciphering sentences.


  3. #3
    For me the word and is overused

    And, while Roger is descending unstoppably to the abyss and to a more complete neurotic state of mind on account of his uncontrollable greed and fanaticism, and keeps pushing back the boundaries and grossly violating civil rights and turning Tito's family into secret puppet-agents,
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  4. #4
    It's a little messy. I would be inclined to simplify:

    Quote Originally Posted by Jorge View Post

    And while Roger is descending into the abyss and a neurotic state of mind, Tito is journeying in a very different direction; under heavy financial attacks, he grows more spiritual as events that unfold mysteriously come to his aid.


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  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Jorge View Post
    Dear fellow writers:

    I am currently revising a summary for my ebook. Can you tell me if there are any problems with this sentence:

    And, while Roger is descending unstoppably to the abyss and to a more complete neurotic state of mind on account of his uncontrollable greed and fanaticism, and keeps pushing back the boundaries and grossly violating civil rights and turning Tito's family into secret puppet-agents, Tito's journeying internally in a very different direction: under sneaky but heavy financial attacks, he grows progressively more spiritual as events that unfold mysteriously sometimes come to his aid.


    I appreciate your suggestions.

    To use a favorite movie quote of mine: That's some bad hat, Harry.
    Really, that's an awful, run-on sentence.
    Just break that thing into a full paragraph, and quit trying to shove that much into a single sentence.

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