The Great Cavern war part 1


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  1. #1

    The Great Cavern war part 1

    (The following story I posted on another forum but I got very little feedback so I will post it here too. I really want feedback even if you think my story is crap. What parts your like or what parts you hate. So far I have written 7 chapters. one side note is that ruff riders are dog-like people and frensis are cat-like people. )



    "There are no wizards, dragons, centaurs, demons,devils,ruff riders, frensis, giant spiders, hydras, drakes, phenoix's, druids, elf's, gargoyles, griffons, stone giants, titans, skeletons, wraiths, vampires, litches, witches, warlocks, cyclops, goblins, minotars or half-lings around here. So why you spend all your free time reading about such nonsense is beyond me."

    The master gardener as he liked to be called spat on the floor as he barked out the last words of his phrase. He was old now and after a hard long life he had three sons whom the eldest he paid the most attention to. He was speaking to the second oldest whom just informed his father that he was pursuing a military career. Gaius was his name. It had been nearly two generations after to last war ended. New haven was the name of the town that Gaius and his family lived in. It was peaceful almost nothing happened at all after it was settled. The heart of Gaius was restless. He was so excited to officially join the military that he barely slept at all. The next day he was the first to line up outside the barracks waiting to be let in. Gaius always believed that the town barracks was a thing of beauty. The upper brass knew better. "Dirt Hole" was the nickname they used to describe it. The Second Person to join Gaius at the entrance was his friend Ticius. Ticius was mush slender and quieter then Gaius and his upbringing was much different. Ticius was sent to new heaven many years ago by his father. He wanted to become a wizard just like his father.

    Ticius was reading a book when Gaius first say him and asked what it was about. "A book about rings" said Ticius and showed the book to his friend. Gaius took the book and read a small bit. He laughed out loud and said "This part says there is a golden right that makes you invisible. How stupid is that."

  2. #2
    Member Thomas Norman's Avatar
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    I would say this story has promise, however, some of the grammar is a bit odd. Also, it is not necessary to repeat the person's name once identified; he ​is sufficient. Sort these things and you should be good.

  3. #3
    Thanks I was never great at Grammar.

  4. #4
    Not a big sample but what you do have here does show promise. I like it so far.

    However there were some things that jarred out for me. I'm not the greatest at this but I will give my advice where I feel it's warranted.

    The first sentence listed too many things. So much that I actually skimmed over it once I reached demons and devils. That could be shortned to "There are no wizards, dragons, centaurs or any other fantasy creatures around here. So why you spend all your free time reading this nonsense is beyond me."

    The second paragraph comes off a little odd for me. it's not too engaging and it doesn't flow well with the opening sentence. I feel it could be reworded to something like this:

    "There are no wizards, dragons, centaurs or any other fantasy creatures around here. So why you spend all your free time reading this nonsense is beyond me." the master gardener -as he liked to be called- spat. He rubbed his temples as he glanced at his second oldest son, Gaius. Out of all three of his sons, Gaius was the one he most paid attention to and for good reason. He couldn't fathom why he loved reading these books of fantasy and magic. The master gardener shook his head, grumbling under his breath as he began to trim the bush hedges in the garden.

    Gaius sighed. "I know dad. Good news is that you won't have to worry about my reading as much anymore. I've finally signed up for the Military!"

    Gaus's father froze. His thin lips held agape. It had been two years since the last war in New Haven had ended. The city had become peaceful and quaint after the war. But the war still flashed in his eyes.

    Gaius placed a large hand on his fathers shoulder. "It's okay dad. I'll be alright, I promise. I'm honestly just excited." And it was true. The thought alone made him restless. He always believed that the town barracks was a thing of beauty. The military called to him like a moth to a lamp.

    I'll stop there. I know its not a perfect example, but it reads a lot better and engages the reader more.

    The other thing I wanted to mention is that you might want to give the name of the master gardener. Also you should remove "The second person to join Gaius at the entrance was his friend Ticius." That bit really jumped out at me. Try and casually show us that his friend is there. An easy way of doing that is by adding dialogue like a simple hey from his friend followed by Gaius turning around and seeing Ticius or something like that.

    Other than that this sound fairly interesting and I would love to read more.

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