Critique this dialogue Pt. 2


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Thread: Critique this dialogue Pt. 2

  1. #1

    Critique this dialogue Pt. 2

    "You know, the government is ignoring this situation with the target, were you informed of the codename they use for him?"

    "No, I wasn't informed."

    "They call him Trashpile. Supposedly they wanted to keep him exposed to all threats as long as they can to use him as a sort of bate, even going so far at one point in spreading the rumor that he was working for them as a special agent."

    "That's fucked up. So they repeatedly sabotaged his life and encouraged him to speak out knowing that nobody was going to stop them and then told everyone the man who they super-royally fucked was working for them? And on top of it all they call him Trashpile? What kind of government is this?"

    "A shitty one, soldier. Do you got a visual on the target?"

    "Yes, sir."

    "Fire."

    "Goodbye Trashpile, you served us well."

    "For absolutely free, nonetheless."

    The undercover soldier followed his order. Bang!

    "Ah, what a tragedy."

  2. #2
    'Were you informed?'
    'No I wasn't informed'
    Is not great, two different people, two ways of saying it, such as 'Were you informed', 'No, no one told me.' would ring truer to me.


    can to use him as a sort of bate,
    bait / bate , different things, you want the first.



    "Fire."

    "Goodbye Trashpile, you served us well."

    "For absolutely free, nonetheless."

    The undercover soldier followed his order. Bang!

    He gives an order, they have a conversation, he obeys the order; wrong way round.

    "Goodbye Trashpile, you served us well."

    "For absolutely free, nonetheless."

    "Fire."

    The undercover soldier followed his order. Bang!

    If it were me I would put the ! after 'fire' and leave out the 'Bang!'
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  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Art Man View Post
    "You know, the government is ignoring this situation with the target, were you informed of the codename they use for him?"

    "No, I wasn't informed."

    "They call him Trashpile. Supposedly they wanted to keep him exposed to all threats as long as they can to use him as a sort of bate, even going so far at one point in spreading the rumor that he was working for them as a special agent."

    "That's fucked up. So they repeatedly sabotaged his life and encouraged him to speak out knowing that nobody was going to stop them and then told everyone the man who they super-royally fucked was working for them? And on top of it all they call him Trashpile? What kind of government is this?"

    "A shitty one, soldier. Do you got a visual on the target?"

    "Yes, sir."

    "Fire."

    "Goodbye Trashpile, you served us well."

    "For absolutely free, nonetheless."

    The undercover soldier followed his order. Bang!

    "Ah, what a tragedy."
    "They call him Trashpile. Supposedly they wanted to keep him exposed to all threats as long as they (could), to use him as a sort of (bait), even going so far at one point in spreading the rumor that he was working for them as a special agent."

    I would change that can to could. The way the conversation is going, it appears the speaker is using past tense for the jist of it. Can is more present tense. Could flows better for the conversation, at least to me.

    "That's fucked up. So they repeatedly sabotaged his life(,) encouraged him to speak out knowing that nobody was going to stop them(,) and then told everyone the man who they super-royally fucked was working for them? And on top of it all they call him Trashpile? What kind of government is this?"

    "That's fucked up. So they repeatedly sabotaged his life and encouraged him to speak out(?) Knowing that nobody was going to stop them(,) then told everyone the man who they super-royally fucked was working for them? And on top of it all they call him Trashpile? What kind of government is this?"

    That second sentence was a bit too run on for me. Those are just two possible edits.

    I'm extremely new so I may be completely wrong here as well

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  4. #4
    @ JasoninNV . Welcome to the forum, good to see you making constructive posts. It is a given here that none of us are perfect and we are only expressing opinions, though in time you may find some are more valuable than others. I see you have your ten posts, so I will look to see if you have uploaded any of your own work yet. If not feel free to drop me a pm when you do, I am always pleased to look at something new.
    Visit my website to read and connect to my 'soundcloud', where you can listen to stories songs and more
    Hidden Content

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  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Olly Buckle View Post
    @ JasoninNV . Welcome to the forum, good to see you making constructive posts. It is a given here that none of us are perfect and we are only expressing opinions, though in time you may find some are more valuable than others. I see you have your ten posts, so I will look to see if you have uploaded any of your own work yet. If not feel free to drop me a pm when you do, I am always pleased to look at something new.
    Thank you Olly. I know I've met the minimum requirements but was thinking of contributing some more. I don't want others to feel like I'm just here to suck up resources!

    Sent from my K88 using Tapatalk

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Art Man View Post
    "You know, the government is ignoring this situation with the target,[not sure why this is comma-spliced] were you informed of the codename they use for him?"

    "No, I wasn't informed[would he/she repeat this word?]."

    "They call him Trashpile. Supposedly they wanted to keep him exposed to all threats as long as they can to use him as a sort of bate[bait], even going so far at one point in spreading[<- "as to spread" or something like that; "in spreading" doesn't read quite right] the rumor that he was working for them as a special agent."[this seems quite wordy. Also would the officer give up all this info? Would he not be more elliptical and 'need-to-know' about it?]

    "That's fucked up. So they repeatedly sabotaged[<- too wordy for me->] his life and encouraged him to speak out knowing that nobody was going to stop them and then told everyone the man who they super-royally fucked was working for them? And on top of it all they call him Trashpile? What kind of government is this?"

    "A shitty one, soldier. Do you got [<- nice use of vernacular]a visual on the target?"

    "Yes, sir."

    "Fire."

    "Goodbye Trashpile, you served us well."

    "For absolutely free, nonetheless."

    The undercover soldier followed his order. Bang!

    "Ah, what a tragedy."
    I thought the second half was more atmospheric and tense, though the first half was just a little infodumpy for my tastes. Hope this helps anyway


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    because it serenely disdains to annihilate us.
    - Rainer Maria Rilke, "Elegy I"

    *

    Is this fire, or is this mask?
    It's the Mantasy!
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    *

    C'mon everybody, don't need this crap.
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  7. #7
    I'm going to assume you meant to leave out the attributions, brush strokes, and imagery so we could just focus on the dialog.

    I didn't feel like there was much latitude between their speech patterns. One guy swore and used conjunctions and the other didn't. But otherwise, they both spoke the same, so I imagined them looking the same, and had a hard time telling them apart.

    Bait, not bate.
    Bate is something that should only be done by a master.

  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Ralph Rotten View Post
    Bate is something that should only be done by a master.
    If my old boarding school is anything to set standards by, then very much ^this^.


    Hidden Content Monthly Fiction Challenge


    Beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror which we are barely able to endure, and are awed,
    because it serenely disdains to annihilate us.
    - Rainer Maria Rilke, "Elegy I"

    *

    Is this fire, or is this mask?
    It's the Mantasy!
    - Anonymous

    *

    C'mon everybody, don't need this crap.
    - Wham!





  9. #9
    If the owl is on a fist she will bate sometimes.
    Visit my website to read and connect to my 'soundcloud', where you can listen to stories songs and more
    Hidden Content

    A thread of links useful to writers wishing to learn
    Piglet's picks. Hidden Content

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