Womb Moon


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Thread: Womb Moon

  1. #1

    Womb Moon

    Caffeinecrash nicotinesick dawn
    Worn boots hurting my soul
    Walking all night striding to no destination
    Gray pigeons on the gray square gray sky gray rain gray brain
    Just wanna open a trapdoor into the soundless surface of the
    Womb moon and sleepdrink cool darkness for a millenium

    Brothel dining room stew tastes
    like smokesweat flatbeer and warm
    as I watch the deadred sunrise with redeyes while
    Madam Kali's stale cigar assaults my nose and
    she cacklewhispers endless tales about people I've never met

    Rub my tired face with tired hands and watch tired trash
    blowing by the grimy window in the hollow wind through my hollow skin
    Just wanna open a trapdoor into the soundless surface of the
    Womb moon and sleepdrink cool darkness for a millenium
    Last edited by Amnesiac; August 5th, 2019 at 06:41 PM.
    Her: I love my computer! All of my friends are in there!
    Me: Yeah, I was thinking the same thing about my freezer...
    Her: What?
    Me: What?

  2. #2
    Hey Frank! The combinations of words is something that I especially liked about this piece. I know in German they do that, but I find that (in poetry- even for me) it helps make new words that stand on their own. Additionally, this felt like a rush of conscious thoughts and feelings all blended together and I think this adds literary weight to the poem that you've written here. Overall, a good job. I hope to read more.

    Thanks for sharing!

  3. #3
    As I wrote it, the combination words lent a rhythmic feel to things. At least, that's how it feels to me... Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks!
    Her: I love my computer! All of my friends are in there!
    Me: Yeah, I was thinking the same thing about my freezer...
    Her: What?
    Me: What?

  4. #4
    Quote Originally Posted by Bard_Daniel View Post
    The combinations of words is something that I especially liked about this piece. I know in German they do that, but I find that (in poetry- even for me) it helps make new words that stand on their own.
    Quote Originally Posted by Amnesiac View Post
    As I wrote it, the combination words lent a rhythmic feel to things. At least, that's how it feels to me... Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks!
    curious as to poet's choice of when.where to incorporate
    fusion(s) vs when.where to infer discrete element.
    ie: all the grays
    "Gray pigeons on the gray square gray sky gray rain gray brain"
    are these intentional full beats?

    imho, refrain, m.od(d)-f.rain, refrain fusion element works.

  5. #5
    Yes. It was intentional.
    Her: I love my computer! All of my friends are in there!
    Me: Yeah, I was thinking the same thing about my freezer...
    Her: What?
    Me: What?

  6. #6
    Amnesiac - Kinda makes me wanna open a trap door too and I liked its lyrical creativity. Namyh

  7. #7
    Thank you very much. I appreciate it.
    Her: I love my computer! All of my friends are in there!
    Me: Yeah, I was thinking the same thing about my freezer...
    Her: What?
    Me: What?

  8. #8
    I liked the resolution "to sleep cool darkness for a milenium". I sometimes wish skilled poets could deconstruct some of the basics of poetry. I know a lot of poems have a beginning, middle, and end. I enjoy the eldirtch touch you've created. I was a little bit confused by the metaphor "womb moon." I still read the poem but don't feel qualified for feedback and I am just leaving some comments here.

    My reaction: we are all children of the moon and sun, and we are stuck in the womb of the moon is my guess. We are stuck in its infinite shadow too. It's a given it will be there like a senty or guardian.

    Good poem, I think I got a tad bit inspired by it in my reaction and comments and wrote a mini-poem. I hope you write some more.
    I would follow as in believe in the words of good moral leaders. Rather than the beliefs of oneself.
    The most difficult thing for a writer to comprehend is to experience silence, so speak up. (quoted from a member)

  9. #9
    High praise, indeed. So gratifying to know that it inspired you! During crazy, chaotic, restless periods of my life, the moon has always seemed something soundless, peaceful, and remote from the beating sun obscured by the metaphorical dust of chariot wheels and the thunder of horses that this life is, at times. When I wrote this, I was tired down to my bones... A lot was happening in my life at the time; things I was having a difficult time with, and all I wanted was peace. I would leave my house around 9 or 10 at night, and I'd just walk and think. Often, I'd walk until sunrise. I was spiritually, emotionally, and mentally exhausted, during that time of my life.
    Her: I love my computer! All of my friends are in there!
    Me: Yeah, I was thinking the same thing about my freezer...
    Her: What?
    Me: What?

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