Womb Moon - Page 2


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Thread: Womb Moon

  1. #11
    Thank you so much! It was written during a time of mental and spiritual exhaustion. I've been homesick my whole life, and life itself seems like a carnival. I've eaten my fill of hot dogs and cotton candy, ridden all the rides, played all the games, and it's late. Just want my dad to pick me up and carry me home, while I fall asleep on his shoulder.
    Her: I love my computer! All of my friends are in there!
    Me: Yeah, I was thinking the same thing about my freezer...
    Her: What?
    Me: What?

  2. #12
    I like this, but have a small suggestion, try removing the "ing" from the first stanza to make it 'hurt, walk and stride'. Makes it feel more immediate and punchy, IMO.

    Nice!
    There is no life I know
    To compare with pure imagination.
    Living there you’ll be free
    If you truly wish to be.~ Willy Wonka

  3. #13
    Thank you! I'll revisit it.
    Her: I love my computer! All of my friends are in there!
    Me: Yeah, I was thinking the same thing about my freezer...
    Her: What?
    Me: What?

  4. #14
    The grittiness of the words make a perfect counterbalance for the deep emotional and spiritual exhaustion that you expess so well in this poem. The message here could have become self-pitying and trite but you not only avoided that trap but absolutely smashed it with this memorable piece of writing. Great imagery too.

  5. #15
    WF Veteran apple's Avatar
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    May 2007
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    California to Pennsylvania
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    535
    So well written Amnesiac. I could feel the dust and weariness so vividly. I loved the line about the "the hollow wind through my hollow skin.' I felt like I was in a sad, desolate, old western town. So, so good.

  6. #16
    Thank you so much! I really appreciate it.
    Her: I love my computer! All of my friends are in there!
    Me: Yeah, I was thinking the same thing about my freezer...
    Her: What?
    Me: What?

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