LM July 2019 Scores - "Final Girl"


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    LM July 2019 Scores - "Final Girl"

    Ok kids, without any additional delay the scores are in.
    -xXx-:

    mish
    “Choose Your Model"
    Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
    Tone/Voice: 5/5
    Effect evaluation: 5/5
    Effect reaction: 3/5
    Overall: 17/20

    Review:
    Theory meets application.
    Bookend tech jargon works
    *looks for the upload psychset dialogue popup pivot*
    Best-of-month Title AS Open

    “Stacey, can I ask you a personal question?” whispered Roger with a quitter tone of voice. “Do you like me?”

    “Do you think, I’m alright?”

    Roger stared deeply into Stacey’s eyes and for the first time noticed that something was not right. Her seductive intent was still present, but something was missing behind those eyes, it was as if there was nothing there. “


    ---

    Tim
    “cyborg"
    Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
    Tone/Voice: 5/5
    Effect evaluation: 5/5
    Effect reaction: 4/5
    Overall: 18/20

    Review:
    RE: human.eyes
    warning points
    name points
    Best-of-month first paragraph
    us/them up close & personal

    with suggestion:

    The cell quivered and stretched. Unexpectedly, it divided and so there were two. The Earth was saddened. Its destruction was now inevitable. This was not the stuff of life, this was the stuff of death, for this was the birth of mankind and now it was just a matter of time.

    -fireblanket simple solution wonder-

    Scan in progress, he held his breath...
    11301 was satisfied.


    Note: uscode 42 11301, the keepers

    ---

    Fatclub
    “poor little wolfgang"
    Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
    Tone/Voice: 5/5
    Effect evaluation: 5/5
    Effect reaction: 4/5
    Overall: 18/20

    Review:
    Parable/cheater's cheat, competitive base lined, humor
    name points
    Best-of-month traditional narrative

    Gudrun knew it wasn't the taking part that counted but the winning. At any cost.

    ….He stared forlornly at his phone wondering: 'What's the point in having a Grandmaster app in the toilet if your opponent's a much better cheat?'


    ---

    Ma’am
    “both of me"
    Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
    Tone/Voice: 5/5
    Effect evaluation: 5/5
    Effect reaction: 4/5
    Overall: 18/20

    Review:
    Life phase/transition/cope-humor AS literal
    warning points
    Story arc, best-of-month, pivot point

    “We’re short on final girls,” she snapped. “So you’re split two ways.”…

    Though the guys were originally drawn to the side of me that was different from them, the tame guy told Victoria, “You’ve really come around.” The wild guy said, “About time you let your hair down.”


    ---

    Emma sohan
    “last daughter turning forward"
    Spelling/Grammar: 4/5 g
    Tone/Voice: 5/5
    Effect evaluation: 5/5
    Effect reaction: 4/5
    Overall: 18/20

    Review:
    Life phase/transition/cope-acceptance
    Story arc, gentle intensity
    Best-of-month here.now first-person-non-shooter
    Bookending points
    Submit this for publication.


    Don't thank me, I didn't get a choice; I'm just her mother.

    I. Will. Not. Cry.

    She doesn't look back.


    ---

    Bd anon
    “a walk in the dark"
    Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
    Tone/Voice: 5/5
    Effect evaluation: 5/5
    Effect reaction: 2/5
    Overall: 16/20

    Review:
    Inevitable fail.
    Warning points
    Best-of-month here-now-first-person-single-shooter

    Stepping down a rung on the food chain changes your priorities fast.

    As I said, complacency is a fatal condition these days.


    ---

    Epimetheus
    “high, all the time"
    Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
    Tone/Voice: 5/5
    Effect evaluation: 5/5
    Effect reaction: 5/5
    Overall: 19/20

    Review:
    Possible response to velo's love me like heroin.
    warning points
    bookending points
    sequence, progressive context reveal/reframe
    post-personal-apocalyptic relevant archetype
    neo-rho-manse
    as an exercise in format/framing FAB!!!
    base, bass?

    Grace, energy, emotion. She was the embodiment of rhythm.

    Her mind left her, taking with it her demons, leaving only movement. Only here was she truly free.


    ---

    suec
    “the final girl"
    Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
    Tone/Voice: 5/5
    Effect evaluation: 5/5
    Effect reaction: 3/5
    Overall: 17/20

    Review:
    Parable/inclusion
    Best-of-month positive
    Excellent first paragraph
    MC name point
    alternative title: Curt and Call
    signing->singing?

    Pinky Rose was an odd girl; always had been.

    ---

    Megan pearson
    “final girl"
    Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
    Tone/Voice: 5/5
    Effect evaluation: 5/5
    Effect reaction: 3/5
    Overall: 17/20

    Review:
    Memoria, life well lived
    Best-of-month mechanics
    alternate title: Always and Forever

    Her smile broadened in reflection, but as her eyes drifted away as she spoke, I realized how deeply she had dreamed...

    ...where opportunity was taken from her grasp, she never complained. She never mused about what might have been.


    ---

    Arrowinthebow
    “the runway"
    Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
    Tone/Voice: 5/5
    Effect evaluation: 5/5
    Effect reaction: 3/5
    Overall: 17/20

    Review:
    Lemming trimming.
    Embed/enmesh mastery.
    Best-of-month innocuous title
    Nice use of limited statements AS support character development
    I urge every reader to read wiki/etymology for each name and note the sequencing of the thirteen.

    …Earth’s best, experts in language, science, and tact. Their job was to be the first to set foot on planets suspected of containing intelligent life.

    Audrey, Sixie, Perpetua, Holly, Nina, Belle, Emma, Rose, Wanda, Lydia, Amelie, Mel. (Iona)

    …. the thousands upon thousands of mothers and daughters, with their shining eyes and whispering mouths and feet landing softly in an impenetrable future.

    …. like a stone into the white oblivion….


    ---

    Undead_av
    “sacrifice"
    Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
    Tone/Voice: 5/5
    Effect evaluation: 5/5
    Effect reaction: 2/5
    Overall: 16/20

    Review:
    Hateful contempt.
    NannyNation Warning Recommended
    name points
    Worth noting:
    she-stained white robe, deep brown skin, curly black hair
    he-eyes—steel or summer/sparkling or flint/blue, blue/etc.,skin golden-tan, hair white-blonde, female accomplices
    Conquer/concur-disarm/disable/destroy
    Best-of-month beast.bad
    alternative title: They All Die in Childbirth
    yeah, i wrote an alternative ending
    “blossoming blowdarts, batman!!!!”

    No need to explain yourself. Just get it over with.

    ---

    B4B
    “collective omniscience"
    Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
    Tone/Voice: 5/5
    Effect evaluation: 5/5
    Effect reaction: 5/5
    Overall: 19/20

    Review:
    Confederate.
    Best-of-month name points
    Bookending points
    Patsy? Her name was Patsy. Pretty sure.

    …the collective sigh of a race doomed to be forever cut off from the alienated.

    …hateful conviction.





    bdcharles:

    "Choose your model"
    Mish


    SPaG: 3/5
    T&V: 2.5/5
    Evaluation: 3/5
    Reaction: 4/5
    Total: 12.5/20

    Review:
    Yeah, not a bad piece. I confess I'm a little put off by titles that don't first-cap all their words, but that's okay, and I like how you segue into the narration from your own title so that works. It is clear what your protagonist's goal is and it's something a good story can be sprung from. In fact the 80s movie Weird Science is exactly this. However your writing tends to rely on as-linked clauses - "the first words that greeted Roger as he switched on", "muttered Roger as his eyes greedily ran", "began Roger as his hand waved", "fashioning a big smile on his face as he admired" - which aren't wrong and there's a place for them but people tend to use them excessively to pad out text, and often at the expense of narrative voice which I feel is what's happened here from the first sentence on. Vary things a little. Try and explore your protagonist. Try and be them.

    Watch your grammar around dialogue:
    “Wide hips,[<- should be a full stop]” [should be capital H ->]his hands continued to dance with the motion sensors. “Boob size, D cup”.

    I can't decide if I am a fan on "fashioning a big smile" or not. I think I am. No, I denfinitely am. Good choice.

    With "excitedly exclaimed Roger." - hmm, "excitedly" is a bit too unsubtle for me. Show it rather than tell it, where you can. And just watch that adverbial overload. Not that you had any of these, but a little piece of me dies every time I read "disgustedly" or "dispiritedly" or "annoyededly" or whatever. [IMG]file:////Users/rcoapman/Library/Group%20Containers/UBF8T346G9.Office/TemporaryItems/msohtmlclip/clip_image001.gif[/IMG]

    With this: "whispered Roger with a quitter tone of voice", I am not sure if you meant that. It's an interesting choice if so - less interesting if you meant "quieter".

    Comma-splice: "something was missing behind those eyes, it was as if there was nothing there.". Again, a place for them but in my experience they are far more common as grammar misfires. At best they form a highly generic voice.

    I suppose, with the protagonist, I did find him rather unsympathetic at first. That said, I feel for his loss at the end, and what started out quite simple and light is all broken by the end. But maybe try some foreshadowing next time, to seed that sense of impending something in us. Reminds me a little of that Twilight Zone episode where the guy marooned on Mars gets a robot companion. Good job [IMG]file:////Users/rcoapman/Library/Group%20Containers/UBF8T346G9.Office/TemporaryItems/msohtmlclip/clip_image001.gif[/IMG]




    ------

    "CYBORG"
    Tim


    SPaG: 5/5
    T&V: 4/5
    Evaluation: 4/5
    Reaction: 4/5
    Total: 17/20

    Review:
    I love your opening two lines. Simple, profound. Oh, and your 3rd and fourth are just as good. Okay then. That whole opening para is awesome; sublime and powerful, just how I like my reading. I am already engaged with, I dunno your protag's name, but I like him. He's kind of an Arnie type, with as much disdain for his human past as 11301. What's the signifiance of that number I wonder? Good job with working the backstory along the narrative. It builds perspective and voice. And the way the robot's voice riles him is quite suggestive. Where will that lead? I'm curious about the Keepers too. They seem like great gaseous gods, clouds of intelligence.

    I did wonder, if this was the "last one" then where did the doctor and the baby spring from.

    I like the denouement too - the 'borg redscovers the better angels of his human nature and sneaks past the 'bot. I thought the final sentence was perhaps a little on the weak side though, but yeah. Pretty good.

    ------

    "Poor Little Wolfgang"
    Fatclub


    SPaG: 4/5
    T&V: 4.5/5
    Evaluation: 3/5
    Reaction: 3.5/5
    Total: 15/20

    Review:
    First impressions are of a very readable piece, smooth and mature. Already Gudrun's seeming like trouble. I like the detail throughout, the geekery, as though readers are expected to know that playing 34. KH2 is a whole different ballgame to 34. KH3. It suggests implicit backstory and setting and tone. I didn't fully understand the last 3 words of this line "Five-hundred euros and a silver cup bigger than the last one - as was her winning smile, was Gudrun's swag." so had to knock off a bit of SPaG. Also the general arc was ... I dunno, too easy. I felt a little underwhelmed both at the end and by the title. But I thought Gudrun was a well-sketched character. I enjoyed also the little note of teutonic no-nonsense from Frau Popp - "At least it's all sorted," said Frau Popp, timidly. - just brings a little of the kithen sink drama to proceedings. Couple of other minor spagnits: Gudrun's mother looked down her nose at young Wolfgang,[<- comma?] "Disgraceful!" But other than that, good stuff.

    ------

    "Both of Me"
    Ma'am


    SPaG: 5/5
    T&V: 4.5/5
    Evaluation: 3/5
    Reaction: 4/5
    Total: 16.5/20

    Review:
    I like your take on the prompt. It's quite a tricky prompt this time (hence me judging) so well done for imagining up something new. I like the sideways mullet - I'm sure people were wearing those in Shoreditch a while back and that would be a cool way to go through life, with two styles on one head like Two-Face from Batman. You make a wonderfuly wacky tale here with Bridget Jones comedic overtones. I suppose it doesn't go too many places, and not a huge amount "happened" but it was very well-written and lots of fun for all that. I could hear both the voices of the parts of her quite well and bought into the body language and actions. The title worked with the general feel of the piece too.

    ------

    "LAST DAUGHTER TURNING FORWARD"
    Emma Sohan


    SPaG: 5/5
    T&V: 3.5/5
    Evaluation: 4/5
    Reaction: 4/5
    Total: 16.5/20

    Review:
    A real heart-wrencher of a writeup. You capture fine slice-of-life points of parental letting-go very well, with some phrases that are perfect without being overdone: "I'm supposed to hear how safe Janie will be, but all I'm hearing is the dangers.", "the Army is ripping my baby from me and her family, and now she's theirs.", and that moment with the awkward hug. You've clearly felt every aspect of those moments. My only complaint is that I like stories that delve into the unusual, or that take me elsewhere, but that's a taste thing. This is an emotion piece first and foremost. The title calls to mind the symbolism of the cadet turning to march, moving away from the parent, blending into the soldier body. The end is a literal closing as well as a metaphoric one. Yup. A neat story indeed. Well done [IMG]file:////Users/rcoapman/Library/Group%20Containers/UBF8T346G9.Office/TemporaryItems/msohtmlclip/clip_image001.gif[/IMG]

    ------

    "A Walk in the Dark"
    Anonymous


    SPaG: 4.5/5
    T&V: 4/5
    Evaluation: 4/5
    Reaction: 4.5/5
    Total: 17/20

    Review:
    You start with a comma splice, but this is one of those rare instances where it works; it rhymes, for starters, and it's an evocative, pacey opener. You paint a picture with all the senses engaged which makes for a rich and immersive reading experience. I'm getting homage-to-George-Romero vibes here, shades of 28 Days Later too, which is cool, though not the most au courant. As the story progresses I am definitely feeling the tension, I am imagining how I would best step through those brittle grasses - and that stress urges me to read on. Grammar abuse used to good effect here so no SPaG points lost, apart from the ellipses which take me out just a smidge.

    The title's not the most mega, and the ending is fairly "easy" - the guy dies, and there's a motifed phrase but ... I guess I wanted more. Not sure what I wanted more of. More of something different. But still, a very readable, gripping entry. Good stuff.


    ------

    "High, all the time"
    epimetheus


    SPaG: 3/5
    T&V: 4/5
    Evaluation: 4/5
    Reaction: 4/5
    Total: 15/20

    Review:

    I love writing, movies, any art that captures the beautiful chaos of the club scene. A good night out - a good night out, not some beery misfire but something sublime and elevated and strange - has got to be the most rarified experience of a generation. "The dancefloor was a mosh of flesh and sweat and tempo" - that is some choice wording. You've got it just right.

    That said, the misspelling of "bass" as "base" throughout is probably what cost you most points here. There's a couple of dialogue grammar blips too: “Don’t go anywhere, Silvio.[<- comma?]” [lower case s->]She said". I've seen a good whack of your writing and can't help thinking you rushed this. Title too was a little meh for my tastes. The title is your cover, your opener. Take care with it. But I like the format of this, and the way you section it off into songs. Reminds me of that film, Nine Songs, was it? Trippy and visceral and don't-give-a-fuck. And the end really sticks the knife in.


    ------

    "The Final Girl"
    SueC


    SPaG: 4/5
    T&V: 3/5
    Evaluation: 3/5
    Reaction: 3.5/5
    Total: 13.5/20

    This line sums it up: "We thought her strange; low class, but Pinky Rose fooled us all." I'm ready for a great character to triumph, and you deliver. The bitchiness of Rachel is a superb place to read from.

    I did find the voice a little generic. Aside from the cattiness, who was Rachel? Why are we her? What link is there to Pinky? And on that note, why not have "Pinky Rose" as your title? Just lift it out a little. Titles are your portico. Don't skimp on this all-important first impression.

    Couple of minor typos: By "signing" did you mean singing?

    I suppose for me it didn't go too many places. Student everyone thinks will fail succeeds. Great, but take us places. Use devices - use narrative tension, use dramatic irony, to both set our expectations and manage them just where you want them to go.

    I love "cattily wondered" - perfect characterisation, and very apt. And I love the end - I mean, I don't know who Rumpus Cat is (always wanted to see Cats, never have) but I like the fact that this funny name forms the epilogue of your entry. It sounds like your MC fell into a big wuffly blanket of fail, which works for me [IMG]file:////Users/rcoapman/Library/Group%20Containers/UBF8T346G9.Office/TemporaryItems/msohtmlclip/clip_image001.gif[/IMG]

    ------

    "Final Girl"
    Megan Pearson


    SPaG: 5/5
    T&V: 4/5
    Evaluation: 3/5
    Reaction: 4/5
    Total: 16/20

    Review:
    Your opening line is great - very Mrs. Dalloway, suggesting "something" is going to "transpire" vis-a-vis the box of chocolates. And again, much like fatclub's entry, there's an attention to detail - the city regs in this case - that I have come to learn I like. It's one reason I can't disavow the likes of Ayn Rand as a credible writer; perhaps not the prevailing view but "The Fountainhead" really sparked in me a joy of work in much the same way Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance did.

    parent’s should be parents’ - if they've never met the assumption would be two parents.

    I did find the end a bit ... I dunno. I'm not sure why she died (I assume). The feeling I'm left with is that "she just did" but I wanted more of a sense of ber fragility and impending doom and I wanted the chocolates to be more of a thing. I wanted Sue to be a tragic figure. But still: Sue is a great character, the sort we wonder about after we've finished reading. The title works here because of Sue's short life. It's very touching.

    ------

    "The Runway"
    ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord


    SPaG: 5/5
    T&V: 5/5
    Evaluation: 5/5
    Reaction: 4/5
    Total: 19/20

    Review:

    "twilit waterfall" - beautiful, new, reimagined. Love it.

    "experts in language, science, and tact" - I love how "tact" stacks up there against the other cornerstones of learning and civility. It paints a picture of a brave new world having alot to do with manners and deportment. It sets my expectations to "quality". Great stuff.

    And "her seesaw head." Really original wording that recurs throughout. The final line - I dunno, the whole thing is just pure poetry. The counting down towards the end, the "white oblivion". Gosh, I'm struggling to fault this. Oh, I know. The title; the title left me a little dry. But apart from that, perfect.

    ------

    "Sacrifice "
    undead_av


    SPaG: 5/5
    T&V: 4.5/5
    Evaluation: 4.5/5
    Reaction: 5/5
    Total: 19/20

    Review:
    The sense I am getting from this is that Annabel has given birth to the Antichrist or something. And the pace is very well-controlled. At no point are we in doubt about how dire the situation is. Lines like "mocking her parched throat." and "she’d felt a desperate, hopeless love for him". The imagery here of terrible love is very powerful, like something amazing is happening, but someone must die for it. Really strong stuff, almost the stuff of nightmares. Works well with the prompt.

    Can't see any technical problems. Probably about the only flaw I could see was that the opening line was perhaps a little too workaday. But, in the main, great job. [IMG]file:////Users/rcoapman/Library/Group%20Containers/UBF8T346G9.Office/TemporaryItems/msohtmlclip/clip_image001.gif[/IMG]


    ------

    "Collective Omniscience"
    BornForBurning


    SPaG: 5/5
    T&V: 3.5/5
    Evaluation: 5/5
    Reaction: 3.5/5
    Toital: 17/20


    Review:
    Cracking opening line. And the general subject, of personal freedom or collective bliss, is a compelling one, as the protag finds out at the end.

    "cold machine god," - ooh. Yeah.

    A few cliches, particularly with body language: "brows furrowed", "A twinge of sadness", "He bit his lip". And sometimes the voice was a little too easy. But the actual events of this were original, powerful, and they really got my attention. Excellent writing.




    velo:

    Choose Your Model, Mish
    SpAG: 3
    TaV: 4
    Eval: 2
    React: 2
    Total: 11


    SpAG-
    "Were the first words that greeted Roger as he switched on the holographic computer screen and tilted his head gently against the chair’s head rest." As written this is an incomplete sentence. After a couple reads it looks like you're trying to continue on from the title but it's not clear. A leading ellipsis would have helped. Also not sure how I feel about the mechanic in this venue.

    Some missing punctuation, especially within the dialogue which would have helped with pacing the imagined speech

    "whispered Roger with a quitter tone of voice" quieter

    TaV- Generally consistent

    Eval- Lots of wasted words, IMO. Almost every bit of dialogue had a version of "he/she said" It bogged the dialogue down and made reading feel a bit laborious. I find it very unnecessary to do this every time in a back and forth conversation.

    React- I didn't connect here are all. I would have like a more streamlined style that allowed for a bit more character development. The MC is entirely one-dimensional.




    Cyborg, Tim
    SpAG: 4
    TaV: 2
    Eval: 2
    React: 2
    Total: 10


    SpAG- "The woman corkscrewed to the ground, twitching her death throes." It took several reads to understand this without a bit more description- maybe an indication she was initially standing.

    TaV- Shifts back and forth from PoV to expositional.

    Eval- The first paragraph feels entirely disconnected from the rest of the story. I could have been cut to recover some space for character development. The MC's sudden recollection of his past after being previously mentioned that he remembered nothing felt very deux ex machina.

    "The Keepers were intergalactic, plasma life-forms..." This para could be cut as well. It adds nothing to the narrative. In the robot just mentioning the keepers the context gives us enough information.

    "He heard male voices. Then he heard it." Repeated 'heard' in consecutive sentences is distracting.

    React- Didn't connect with this. There wasn't enough set up for the turn at the end- some bit of foreshadowing would have helped, I think. Far too much exposition.




    Poor Little Wolfgang, Fatclub
    SpAG: 3
    TaV: 5
    Eval: 4
    React: 4
    Total: 16


    SpAG- "Gudrun knew it wasn't the taking part that counted but the winning. At any cost." A dash, or perhaps even a semicolon, woud have worked much better than a full stop. The fragment was jarring to read whereas a dash would have worked to add the emphasis I think you were going for.

    "was received, obeyed and consequently" Needs an Oxford.

    " young Gudrun; she felt mad not sad: there's only" Semicolon followed by a colon. Unsure if this is allowed by the strange rules of English but it complicates the sentence tremendously and unnecessarily.

    No misspellings noted.

    TaV- Very consistent.

    Eval- Some grammar nits picked above, but otherwise this is structurally sound and flows well.

    React- I am not a chess player and am frankly intimidated by this incredibly complex game. I went into this thinking that might keep me from connecting with it but that wasn't the case. Despite the cheating aspect I connected with the story and had a laugh at the final twist in the final sentence, which I'm learning is a Fatclub trademark. Well written and presented.




    Both of Me, Ma'am
    SpAG: 4.5
    TaV: 5
    Eval: 4
    React: 5
    Total: 18.5


    SpAG- "He said I was two different people and he only liked one of us." The 'he' is not clear in this. I am guessing it's the ex so 'He had said' might have helped to use tense to specify.

    Otherwise this was technically solid.

    TaV- Very consistent.

    Eval- The sentences had a short, choppy feel to them sometimes that really worked in this tale of someone who seems to be unclear about her true personality. It was a little jarring but helped get me into the story about this character.

    React- A really unique take on this that begins feeling like it was going to be a straightforward tale of someone in a bad way making her way that turns into an entertaining and bordering on surreal scene at the bar. I NEVER laugh out loud when reading but this got a couple chuckles out of me, especially when she ordered two different drinks at the bar and psychologically embodied her dualistic external appearance. Well done, this was tremendously fun.




    Last Daughter Turning Forward, EmmaSohan
    SpAG: 4.5
    TaV: 4
    Eval: 2
    React: 2
    Total: 12.5


    SpAG- "but all I'm hearing is the dangers." are

    TaV- Consistent

    Eval- Not much happens here, the plot is rather thin and mostly consists of emotional exposition.

    React- This really got mired down with repetition regarding the narrator's feelings about the final bird leaving the nest. It's such a common experience with parents I think the mother's angst did not need to be belaboured so much. It quickly ventured into maudlin and I had zero connection with the MC.




    [b]A Walk in the Dark, velo
    SpAG: -
    TaV: -
    Eval: -
    React: -
    Total: -





    High, All the Time, epimetheus

    SpAG: 5
    TaV: 5
    Eval: 5
    React: 5
    Total: 20


    This is brilliant. I felt the desperation, internal chaos, and pain long before it was explicitly mentioned in the last second. I've been this girl, I think in some ways many of us have. The punctuation of the scenes with lyrics was also brilliant, it literally gave this story a soundtrack.

    ::tips hat::





    The Final Girl, SueC
    SpAG: 3.5
    TaV: 3.5
    Eval: 3
    React: 2
    Total: 12


    SpAG- "We thought her strange; low class, but Pinky Rose fooled us all." This reads much better with a comma vs a semicolon.

    Several sentences felt like run-ons even though they technically weren't. Lots of things strung together, consider breaking up series of thoughts more.

    "and cattily wondered" I see what you did there.

    TaV- Consistent but the story is written in first person but there are a couple third person statements that break that.

    Eval- Good take on the prompt but little happens in terms of plot or characters. Pacing is appropriate for the story.

    React- A nice story with a traditional "loser finally impresses the popular kids" but I really didn't feel much for any of the characters. There was no tension and I predicted the rest of the story the moment Pinky was queued up. Sorry to say it was a touch bland.




    Final Girl, Megan Pearson
    SpAG: 4
    TaV: 4
    Eval: 2
    React: 2
    Total: 13


    SpAG-

    "I had brought a box of chocolates with me this morning. Sue Schilling had that effect on her customers." A dash or comma instead of a full stop reads much better. As is it's a jarring first two sentences that I had to re-read a couple times.

    Noted a couple awkward linkages of phrasing such as "Through her infectious laugh, her calm demeanor an oasis amid the chaos" that seem to change focus as the sentence progresses.

    TaV- Consistent

    Eval- A lot of tell, very little show.

    React- We never got to meet Sue so it's harder for me to connect through that added layer of abstraction. We know almost nothing about the narrator. No emotional connection here. Technically well written but it needs more substance.




    The Runway, ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord
    SpAG: 5
    TaV: 4
    Eval: 4
    React: 3
    Total: 16


    SpAG- No issues noted.

    TaV- Consistent.

    Eval- Prose got a touch purple at moments but not too bad. The descriptions of, and use of the term, girls read a little like pubescent fantasy. "...two buns, like a princess" also pulled me right out as I immediately saw Carrie Fisher in my mind.

    React- Decent tension, I ended up wanting to know more. Perhaps I've got a bias from [redacted] decades of watching sci fi but going down to a new planet in a dress pulled me out of suspension of disbelief.




    Sacrifice, undead_av
    SpAG: 5
    TaV: 4.5
    Eval: 4
    React: 3
    Total: 16.5


    SpAG- No issues noted.

    TaV- A couple small nits where the tension was broken by word usage.

    Eval- "The dirt was moist and squishy," Something about this sounds silly or juvenile, totally broke the rising tension. "golden-tan; his hair was white-blonde" felt a bit specific for this piece, too much detail with two hyphenated colours in a row.

    React- I like that there is very little backstory, we are left to wonder what's up.

    Kashi's description immediately brought up memories of Elric of Melnibone...the white-haired, Elf-styled, amoral or immoral villain felt a bit tropey and cliché, to be honest. It unfortunately detracted a bit. Overall, well done.




    Collective Omniscience, BornForBurning
    SpAG: 4
    TaV: 4
    Eval: 4.5
    React: 4
    Total: 16.5


    SpAG- "She sighed, the collective sigh of a race doomed to be forever cut off from the alienated." Assuming 'Alienated' isn't the word you intended here. As written it makes no sense to me.

    TaV- Consistent

    Eval- Nerd points for proper hex to decimal equivalency. Rather complex subject matter for a short piece but you got a lot in. The 'bang' of the pistol didn't really read well...I would have left it out and used a less direct description.

    React- Nice take on the prompt. Didn't expect the aliens to be caught so by surprise when the .45 was mentioned as being clearly visible. Sometimes, resistance is not futile.











    Author -xXx- bdcharles velo Total
    mish 17 12.5 11 13.5
    Tim 18 17 10 15
    Fatclub 18 15 16 16.33
    Ma'am 18 16.5 18.5 17.66
    EmmaSohan 18 16.5 12.5 15.66
    velo (judge) 16 17 --- n/a
    epimetheus 19 15 20 18
    SueC 17 13.5 12 14.16
    Megan Pearson 17 16 13 15.33
    ArrowInTheBowOfTheLord 17 19 16 17.33
    undead_av 16 19 16.5 17.16
    BornForBurning 19 17 16.5 17.5


    On the podium we have

    1st- epimetheus "High, all the time" 18pts avg.

    2nd- Ma'am "Both of Me" 17.66pts avg.

    3rd- BornForBurning "Collective Omniscience" 17.5pts avg.

    Congratulations to all the entrants, a lot of great work this month!
    Last edited by velo; August 2nd, 2019 at 03:45 AM. Reason: derp
    "Don't fuck with writers, we will describe you." -unknown

    My blog- Hidden Content thoughts on trauma and healing through psychedelic-assisted psychotherapy

    "When a child is abused, he or she will often internalise that abuse as deserved. It is a cruel reality that a child needs the parent so much, is evolutionarily programmed to trust them so implicitly, that when a parent is abusive the child will take the blame rather than completely upend their world and blame the person they depend on for survival." -velo

  2. #2
    Hey velo, according to the scores, BornForBurning is in 3rd. Congrats to the winners!
    "So long is the way to the unknown, long is the way we have come. . ." ~ Turisas, Five Hundred and One

    "[An artist is] an idiot babbling through town. . .crying, 'Dreams, dreams for sale! Two for a kopek, two for a song; if you won't buy them, just take them for free!'" ~ Michael O' Brien,
    Sophia House

    Christ is risen from the dead,
    trampling on Death by death,
    And on those in the tombs,
    lavishing light.



  3. #3
    Supervisor velo's Avatar
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    Jeez...apologies...I can't math.

    Haste makes waste and all that rot. Fixed. Thank you.
    "Don't fuck with writers, we will describe you." -unknown

    My blog- Hidden Content thoughts on trauma and healing through psychedelic-assisted psychotherapy

    "When a child is abused, he or she will often internalise that abuse as deserved. It is a cruel reality that a child needs the parent so much, is evolutionarily programmed to trust them so implicitly, that when a parent is abusive the child will take the blame rather than completely upend their world and blame the person they depend on for survival." -velo

  4. #4
    Supervisor velo's Avatar
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    At times like this i'm tempted to use my forum powers and delete the evidence of my transgressions....
    "Don't fuck with writers, we will describe you." -unknown

    My blog- Hidden Content thoughts on trauma and healing through psychedelic-assisted psychotherapy

    "When a child is abused, he or she will often internalise that abuse as deserved. It is a cruel reality that a child needs the parent so much, is evolutionarily programmed to trust them so implicitly, that when a parent is abusive the child will take the blame rather than completely upend their world and blame the person they depend on for survival." -velo

  5. #5
    Reading xXx's scoring is a trip.
    Dead by Dawn!

  6. #6
    Just wanted to say a big thank you to the judges for their time in reviewing our stories and providing invaluable feedback!

  7. #7
    Mentor Megan Pearson's Avatar
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    Yes--thank you, judges! You guys put in a lot of time and it shows.

    Also, I found the new scoring helpful. Anyone else?
    "A ship in the harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for."
    ~ John A. Shedd


  8. #8
    Thanks again to everyone who makes this happen, it's a great resource.

    Can't believe some of my spelling/grammar. Guess you can get away with it a bit when the piece is supposed to jump and fracture.


    In the spirit of explaining thought processes that went into a work (mentioned on another thread somewhere), here's the track list that inspired this story. Tried to get a range in there so most people would recognise at least one of them as song lyrics. One song in particular should stand out: i,ve wanted to write a story around it for a while.

    Let the bass kick

    Another night, another dream

    White lines, running through my mind

    Wake me up before you go go

    Jump up, jump up and get down

    Live fast, die young, bad girls do it well

    You're gone and I gotta stay high, all the time, to keep you off my mind

  9. #9
    Tough month to win. A lotta good stories.

    Congrats Epi - really good story. I'm not that into the clever (arty?) stuff with the songs but you accomplished a hell of a lot with this. My favourite story too, well done.

    Thanks to the judges for the nice comments.

    Til next time...

  10. #10
    Velo, you did a great job! Kept a promise and worked hard to keep everything on track. Greatly appreciated, Velo! Thank you.
    When the night has come
    And the land is dark
    And the moon is the only light we'll see
    I won't be afraid, no I won't be afraid
    Just as long as you stand by me.


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