A Weird Thought


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Thread: A Weird Thought

  1. #1

    A Weird Thought

    Seeing as this is my first submission to this site, I'll make it short and sweet. I hope you enjoy this brief "Stream of Consciousness".



    A Weird Thought

    I sit here at this desk, everyday. TYPING! Mariah just looks at me with disdain and resentment. We work together but we've slept together despite my being married. I can't leave my wife, but the monotony in my life is becoming unbearable.

    "Whats wrong?" she asked me as I stared off blankly, neglecting my work.

    "Nothing." I replied.

    She saw something in my eyes that I didn't see. I couldn't, how could I? She is gorgeous. Long blonde hair with a slight collective curl at the end. Deep green eyes, like looking to the garden of eden through the clearest glass. A body like an hourglass that time could never break, and beyond all that, she has intelligence to match my own. As much as I enjoy seeing her everyday, this tiny office for two makes me claustrophobic, and the repetitive routine I've grown accustomed to as of late has become strenuous on my ambitions.

    Yesterday, I was staring off to nothing, as I had been doing for the past few days, (probably because my prescription ran out, and I hadn't taken my meds in a while) when Mariah asked me what I was thinking. I couldn't tell her because, I didn't know. I simply responded, "I don't know."
    She just looked at me with a baffled expression and said, "What a weird thought." I looked at her in confusion as she explained.

    "Being in deep thought, so deep that you didn't hear me calling your name four times, yet you don't know what you were thinking about."

    I couldn't help but agree, this was odd, but today was even more weird. Today I noticed Mariah staring off this time. After three tries I finally got her attention.

    "Mariah! What are you thinking about?" I asked.

    "I, I don't know." she responded.

    I laughed. "Don't you think that's a bit ironic?"

    She did not seem so amused, and just looked at me puzzled.

    "Well yesterday you pointed out how strange it was that I could be deeply thinking and not know what about..." I said smiling.

    She just stared blankly at me, then responded, "What a weird thought."

    Instantly, my head became full of vivid thoughts. Blood, all over me! I thought of arguments Mariah and I had. I open my eyes. Mariah! She's dead! Her eyes are open, peering into my heart and soul. Her skin is so pale... Her body lies motionless in a deep pool of blood, which stains the cheap tile floor, mutilated and riddled with deep flesh wounds. Had I killed her? Why?

    Suddenly, the overwhelming remorse I feel is replaced with relief. I can vaguely remember the feelings of sorrow and regret I had just felt. I remember thinking about the act I had commited in horror just moments ago, as the entirety of those feelings fade...
    What a weird thought....



    "In modern studies of Neuroscience, the exact cause of schizophrenia is not exactly pinpointed. Most experts believe it to be either a genetic or environmental factor. Schizophrenia can be present in almost any individual... That would also include sociopaths."
    - ULV Psychology Scholar

  2. #2
    Interesting, but I felt that this piece didn't really have a clearly set piece here. YET (and this is important) you had the inception of a concept for a story. Your premise, that the man has not taken his meds for some time and has killed his wife- who he is now speaking to, isn't the most original (I think I've read it being done before) but it's not so far gone that it's a trope. Therefore, you have a glimpse of what you are trying to say. Additionally, you mentioned some religious things (such as the Garden of Eden) that might fit into a theme that you can develop to help your story reach higher, and stronger.

    Just my amateur thoughts. Thanks for the read!

  3. #3
    Twasn't a bad bit of writing exercise. Stream of consciousness writing is a great way to practice and master the mechanical aspects of writing.

    I had a slight derailment* on this line:
    "Whats wrong?" she asked me as I stared off blankly, neglecting my work."
    You had just been talking about your wife, so when I got to this line I wasn't sure who SHE was.
    I had to reread it and conclude it was Mariah.

    Keep up the practice. Your narration is good, and the dialog is good between the quotes, but weak in the attributions.
    Your attributions were mostly: asked, responded, & said.


    *Derailment is when the reader has to re-read a section to understand it.

  4. #4
    Thank you for your feedback. Much appreciated.

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Bard_Daniel View Post
    Interesting, but I felt that this piece didn't really have a clearly set piece here. YET (and this is important) you had the inception of a concept for a story. Your premise, that the man has not taken his meds for some time and has killed his wife- who he is now speaking to, isn't the most original (I think I've read it being done before) but it's not so far gone that it's a trope. Therefore, you have a glimpse of what you are trying to say. Additionally, you mentioned some religious things (such as the Garden of Eden) that might fit into a theme that you can develop to help your story reach higher, and stronger.

    Just my amateur thoughts. Thanks for the read!

    He killed his co-worker and mistress "Mariah", not his wife. But your observations are appreciated.
    Last edited by Jim Creeper; August 7th, 2019 at 05:37 PM. Reason: Quoting the addressed

  6. #6
    Ahhhhh, glad to have cleared that up. Another point to bring up was that wasn't as clear as it should be- but next revision I'll take a closer look!

    That in itself adds another layer of complexity and nuance that you can more thoroughly explore, methinks.

  7. #7
    Member Umree's Avatar
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    Thank you for sharing! To me this piece felt like an interesting start to a longer story. I thought it was competently written and set up an engaging scenario. I'm not sure if you want to expand on this, but if so I suggest going back and asking yourself questions about the characters.
    For example,
    Why is Mariah with a married man?
    What is the protagonist's motivation for cheating on his wife with Mariah?
    What do these two characters do for work?
    How did the characters meet?
    How tall are they? How old? etc...

    If you write out a list of questions and try to incorporate the answers organically into the story, they will definitely expand it and add to the complexity of the piece. I hope that helps.

  8. #8
    Offline: Depressed Trollheart's Avatar
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    This was really good. Given how much Mariah is described as almost the perfect woman (looks, figure, intelligence etc) I thought it was going to turn out that rather than being his mistress she was in fact his wife, idealised by him (and then killed by him). Otherwise, not much to find fault with over here. Look forward to more from you.

    What a weird thought!
    Come away, human child to the waters and the wild
    With a faery hand in hand.
    For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand. - WB Yeats "The Stolen Child"

    I drink to forget, but I never forget to drink.

    "If the real Jesus Christ were to stand up today
    He'd be gunned down cold by the CIA" - The The, "Armageddon Days Are Here (Again)" - Mind Bomb, 1989


    The most destructive force on the planet is not nukes or global warming...it is the human ego. - Ralph Rotten

  9. #9
    i originally intended to make it a short so i ended most of the ideas abruptly. I feel that the less information in a short like this the more the reader will tend to infer and gather their own assumptions about what is, was, or could be. thank you for reading
    If you're interested in buying or publishing short stories please email:
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  10. #10
    Good story, interesting idea. I feel like the twist could have been introduced better. When I read it, it seemed like it came out of nowhere without the story building up to it.

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