The Deluge (Screenplay, first couple scenes)


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Thread: The Deluge (Screenplay, first couple scenes)

  1. #1

    The Deluge (Screenplay, first couple scenes)

    The first few scenes to a short (hopefully under 45 min) somewhat surreal movie. I have no idea whether I am properly formatting this, but I'm more concerned with coherence, readability, and story/character/interest concerns since I'm not sending it to a director or anything (I'm planning to film and produce it with my videographer friends)

    FADE IN:

    DARKNESS

    A white handkerchief floats/lies against a black backdrop. Sound of rain. A spot of blood appears on it and slowly spreads.

    EXT. CITY/SIDEWALK - NIGHT

    NOAH, a lanky 15-year-old boy with messy hair, stands in the middle of the walk, eyes closed.

    There is slight movement behind his eyelids, as if he is dreaming.

    The sidewalk is completely empty; there is no one else around. Sound of rain increases in volume.

    Noah opens his eyes.

    EXT. CITY/SIDEWALK (EXACTLY AS BEFORE) - DAY (RAIN)

    People appear around Noah, walking and going about their business. One bumps into him and continues walking.

    Noah blinks confusedly, as if waking up.

    He looks around and the city is as normal. Shaking his head, he goes to the stop sign where he has locked his bike.

    He unlocks his bike, mounts and bikes off in the rain.

    MONTAGE - NOAH BIKING THROUGH THE RAINY CITY

    VOICEOVER:
    (over montage)

    I canít believe in anything anymore. Not you, not the chair Iím sitting on, not me. You see. . .in order to believe in a thing youíve got to carry it with you. You canít carry the Earth, or a man, in your pocket. I want a way to do that, carry things with me always, so I can believe in them. How clumsy to have to go to all the trouble of going out and bringing in something terribly physical to prove something. I hate physical things because they can be left behind and become impossible to believe in.*****

    -- Noah bikes past the record store

    -- Noah waits at a stoplight near the train station, people with umbrellas hustle by

    -- Noah bikes on a path near a large green hill

    -- Noah bikes through a pleasant neighborhood, past a collection of shops with a garden in the middle

    -- Noah bikes up to his house and leaves his bike lying in the driveway

    -- Noah enters his house

    INT. NOAHíS HOUSE/KITCHEN - DAY

    Chicken and garlic are being sauteed in a pan for dinner. NOAH'S MOM, a tired-looking woman in her early 40s, is cooking. A kettle is also on the stove.

    NOAH'S MOM:
    Hi hon. Out biking again?

    NOAH:
    Yeah.

    CUT TO:

    DARKNESS

    A nightcrawler writhes on a fishhook.

    CUT TO:

    KITCHEN

    NOAH'S MOM:
    You see anything interesting?

    CUT TO:

    DARKNESS

    The nightcrawler is covered in blood.

    The blood drips down onto the bloody handkerchief from earlier.

    NOAH (V/O):
    No. Nothing.

    KITCHEN

    The kettle begins to boil.

    NOAH'S MOM:
    (ruffling his hair)

    Well. How do you feel about a nice cup of hot cocoa? Mmh? Kind of cold out.

    NOAH:
    (smiles)
    Yeah. Thanks, mom.

    Noah's mom looks out the window.

    NOAH'S MOM:
    (reflectively)
    Still raining. Seems like it's been raining for as long as I can remember.

    The kettle's whistle gets louder.

    Steam pours out of the spout. The whistle merges with the sound of a girl screaming.

    DISSOLVE TO:

    EXT. HILL/BIKE PATH - DAY (SUNNY)

    GENNY, an 11-year old Hispanic girl, is racing down a bike path alongside a big green hill, screaming in fear.

    She runs up the hill, gasping and panting. A frightening hissing sound comes from behind her.

    She reaches the--

    HILLTOP

    Genny slows down, fearfully glancing over her shoulder.

    She keeps running, then stops when she sees something on the ground.

    It is the bloody handkerchief. Three blood-covered nightcrawlers writhe on it.

    With shaking hands, Genny reaches down to pick it up.

    She cups it in her hands and peers at it curiously, narrowing her eyes.

    Relief/astonishment shows in her face and she clutches the handkerchief to her chest, breathing heavily.

    She squeezes her eyes shut and shakes her head, like she's trying to wake up from a dream.

    CUT TO:

    DARKNESS

    TITLE CARD:
    THE DELUGE

    EXT. HILLTOP (EXACTLY AS BEFORE) - DAY (RAIN)

    Genny opens her eyes. She looks around, still breathing hard. She looks into her hands.

    The bloody handkerchief with the crawlers is still there.

    She folds it up and stuffs it, worms and all, into her back shorts pocket.

    CUE MUSIC: ďTHE KILLING MOONĒ - ECHO AND THE BUNNYMEN

    The hill slopes down into the green neighborhood. Genny walks down the hill, blowing gum bubbles.

    INT. NOAH'S HOUSE/DINING ROOM - DAY (EVENING)

    Noah's mom sets down a plate of chicken on the table. Noah and his mom sit down for dinner together. The light is low, and it's storming outside.

    EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY (STORMING)

    Genny walks through the green neighborhood in the pouring rain.

    INT. NOAH'S HOUSE/DINING ROOM - DAY (EVENING)

    Noah's bearded dragon, ATLAS, is sitting on his shoulder. Noah also has a mug of hot chocolate. His mom picks up her fork.

    EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD/NOAH'S HOUSE - DAY (STORMING)

    Genny walks past Noah's house and sees his bike in the driveway. She stops.

    The windows are lit and Noah and his mom can be seen talking inside.

    Genny blows a gum bubble.

    INT. NOAH'S HOUSE/DINING ROOM - DAY (EVENING)

    MUSIC FADE OUT

    NOAH'S MOM:
    Did you have that dream again?

    NOAH:
    (feigning ignorance)

    What dream?

    NOAH'S MOM:
    The one about ... the handkerchief.

    NOAH:
    (shrugging, looking down at his food)

    Oh, that's ... nothing. It's not scary or anything. Just strange.

    NOAH'S MOM:
    Well, I think you should talk to Dr. Hitchcock about it, anyways.

    Noah sighs softly and puts a piece of chicken in his mouth.

    Atlas scuttles down his arm onto the table. Noah picks up a piece of raw broccoli from the serving plate and feeds it to him.

    NOAH'S MOM:
    Noah, don't ...

    NOAH:
    Aw, mom.

    Noah bends his head and runs his fingers along Atlas' back.

    NOAH:
    (in baby voice)
    Atlas likes your cooking, too.

    Noah's mom gives him a "no" look.

    NOAH:
    (subdued)
    Okay.

    He picks Atlas up and puts him on the floor.

    QUICK CUT TO:

    EXT. NOAH'S HOUSE - DAY (STORMING)

    Genny pops a gum bubble.

    INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - DAY

    Noah and DR. HITCHCOCK, a very put-together man in his late 40s with greying hair, sit in a neat, comfortable office. The open door has a sign: Dr. Hitchcock, Psychiatrist.

    DR. HITCHCOCK:
    (his voice is the same as the opening voiceover!)
    Are you afraid of death, Noah?

    NOAH:
    Mm ... Not really.

    DR. HITCHCOCK:
    Of getting sick?

    Noah shakes his head.

    DR. HITCHCOCK:
    The dark?

    NOAH:
    No.

    DR. HITCHCOCK:
    What are you afraid of?

    NOAH:
    (thinking carefully)
    I'm afraid ... that one day, I'll wake up. And it will turn out that this was all a dream.

    DR. HITCHCOCK:
    (writing something on notepad)

    Interesting.




    *******lines from "No Particular Night or Morning" by Ray Bradbury
    "So long is the way to the unknown, long is the way we have come. . ." ~ Turisas, Five Hundred and One

    "[An artist is] an idiot babbling through town. . .crying, 'Dreams, dreams for sale! Two for a kopek, two for a song; if you won't buy them, just take them for free!'" ~ Michael O' Brien,
    Sophia House

    Christ is risen from the dead,
    trampling on Death by death,
    And on those in the tombs,
    lavishing light.



  2. #2
    I liked the imagery, how you would segue from the kitchen scene to the others (telling the back story one flash at a time.)
    But his little monologue at the beginning seemed a bit too formal for the character. This is a kid on a bike, not HG Wells, right?

    I can’t believe in anything anymore. Not you, not the chair I’m sitting on, not me. You see. . .in order to believe in a thing you’ve got to carry it with you. You can’t carry the Earth, or a man, in your pocket. I want a way to do that, carry things with me always, so I can believe in them. How clumsy to have to go to all the trouble of going out and bringing in something terribly physical to prove something. I hate physical things because they can be left behind and become impossible to believe in

  3. #3
    Oh, I'm not sure I made it clear--the voice over was the voice of the psychiatrist, not the kid. Do you think people would assume it was the kid talking?
    "So long is the way to the unknown, long is the way we have come. . ." ~ Turisas, Five Hundred and One

    "[An artist is] an idiot babbling through town. . .crying, 'Dreams, dreams for sale! Two for a kopek, two for a song; if you won't buy them, just take them for free!'" ~ Michael O' Brien,
    Sophia House

    Christ is risen from the dead,
    trampling on Death by death,
    And on those in the tombs,
    lavishing light.



  4. #4
    I did. Lemme go back and read it.

    Nope, I totally thought it was the kid thinking to himself as he rode. Twas first-person so I assumed.

  5. #5
    I liked it. It definitely has a surreal edge to it. I picture it as very stylized, with sparse but vivid colors.

    Really liked the juxtaposition of the boy's introduction and the Psychiatrist's voiceover. Intriguing.

    I get the feeling it could go in many different directions from here, all of them a bit odd. I suppose that's an important complement.


    Anxious to read more!

  6. #6
    I also agree that I thought it was the kid. Maybe make that more clear and fix up the formal tone. However, you do have an interesting premise and I'd read on- so that's a good thing!

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