Beta Request: The Girl with the Pearl Eyes (dystopian)


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Thread: Beta Request: The Girl with the Pearl Eyes (dystopian)

  1. #1
    Global Moderator Squalid Glass's Avatar
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    Beta Request: The Girl with the Pearl Eyes (dystopian)

    Title: The Girl with the Pearl Eyes

    Genre: Dystopian, political

    Word Count: 76,000

    Blurb: Ciego Condenado lives in Fraya, a collectivist country dedicated to pacifism, equality, and honoring the sensitives of all people by restricting all things that might offend. Those who do offend place their fates in the hands of the ruling council of Mastresses and are often shamed out of society or burned alive for their transgressions.

    The Fraya people live on the border of a wall built long ago to separate them from Dorma, a country obsessed with religion, individualism, nationalism, and the law of natural hierarchies.

    Both sides of the wall strictly forbid fraternity between Frayas and Dormas.

    But when Ciego meets and falls in love with Sage, a Dorma whose eyes were removed and replaced with pearls as punishment for a crime against the Dorma religion, Ciego must find bravery to stand up against the things he does not believe in and to fight for his future with Sage.

    Think Romeo & Juliet x Anthem x 1984

    Audience Description: Preferably politically engaged adults

    Expectations: I am cool with feedback in any format. I am mainly looking for macro-level feedback about pacing, world building, and tone. I am also looking for some critiques of the book’s various philosophical/political positions.

    Timescale: No requirement. Preferably within 1-3 months

    Available Formats: PDF, Word, Google Doc – whatever you want.

    Other Information: For genre, I say political, but this is mostly a dystopian story with some elements of black comedy. For those who are familiar with the alt-right YouTube rabbit hole and people like Jordan Peterson, you are pretty much my ultra-specific target audience. The book is allegorical in how it treats modern political issues, but I really want some feedback from politically engaged people, left or right, about how the different political philosophies are portrayed. While the book does take a political position, it’s designed to critique and possibly offend most political positions, so I want some honest feedback on how the critiques are coming across, and namely, where on the political spectrum you think the book falls. That’s really important to me. That being said, if you are willing to read it and simply give feedback on story-specific issues without looking at the political stuff, that’s really appreciated as well!

    I still consider myself a poet at heart, so my prose is something I am still working on improving. That being said, I feel good about where this manuscript is, and I am looking forward to any feedback.
    "I don't do anything with my life except romanticize and decay with indecision."

    "America I've given you all and now I'm nothing."

  2. #2
    I'd be interested in reading this over the rest of this summer. I wouldn't call myself politically engaged, but I am able to discuss the subject reasonably well so it's probably okay. When you ask for critique on the philosophical/political positions, do you mean on how they are presented or on the positions themselves? Thanks
    "So long is the way to the unknown, long is the way we have come. . ." ~ Turisas, Five Hundred and One

    "[An artist is] an idiot babbling through town. . .crying, 'Dreams, dreams for sale! Two for a kopek, two for a song; if you won't buy them, just take them for free!'" ~ Michael O' Brien,
    Sophia House

    Christ is risen from the dead,
    trampling on Death by death,
    And on those in the tombs,
    lavishing light.



  3. #3
    Can I beta this? I seem to recall reading some of this before - Masteresses and Fraya ring bells. Isn't this the one where a girl finds some shiny thing in a hole in the wall? I like the idea of politically-themed fiction anyway.
    Last edited by bdcharles; July 17th, 2019 at 03:08 PM.


    Hidden Content Monthly Fiction Challenge


    Beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror which we are barely able to endure, and are awed,
    because it serenely disdains to annihilate us.
    - Rainer Maria Rilke, "Elegy I"

    *

    Is this fire, or is this mask?
    It's the Mantasy!
    - Anonymous

    *

    C'mon everybody, don't need this crap.
    - Wham!





  4. #4
    Global Moderator Squalid Glass's Avatar
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    Arrow: Thanks for the offer. With the political/philosophical positions, I am just looking for impressions. Basically, how do you think the various positions are being presented in the story and what do you think the book's position ultimately is. I know what it is to me, but I want to know how others see it.

    Charles: Thank you! Yes, I posted a draft of the first chapter awhile back in the workshop. Now I finally finished it!

    Thank you both. I really appreciate your time. I will PM you so we can set something up.
    "I don't do anything with my life except romanticize and decay with indecision."

    "America I've given you all and now I'm nothing."

  5. #5
    a country obsessed with religion, individualism, nationalism, and the law of natural hierarchies.
    That's surprisingly nuanced for a fictional political ideology. I would be interested in beta reading this as well.
    Stranded in Babylon

  6. #6
    Global Moderator Squalid Glass's Avatar
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    Thanks for the offer! I really appreciate it.
    "I don't do anything with my life except romanticize and decay with indecision."

    "America I've given you all and now I'm nothing."

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Squalid Glass View Post
    Charles: Thank you! Yes, I posted a draft of the first chapter awhile back in the workshop. Now I finally finished it!
    Done and replied if you have any questions please let me know


    Hidden Content Monthly Fiction Challenge


    Beauty is nothing but the beginning of terror which we are barely able to endure, and are awed,
    because it serenely disdains to annihilate us.
    - Rainer Maria Rilke, "Elegy I"

    *

    Is this fire, or is this mask?
    It's the Mantasy!
    - Anonymous

    *

    C'mon everybody, don't need this crap.
    - Wham!





  8. #8
    Global Moderator Squalid Glass's Avatar
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    Charles, thank you so much! I appreciate it greatly. Your feedback was detailed and thoughtful, and my story will improve tremendously because of it. Many thanks, again.
    Last edited by Squalid Glass; August 18th, 2019 at 09:00 PM.
    "I don't do anything with my life except romanticize and decay with indecision."

    "America I've given you all and now I'm nothing."

  9. #9
    Hey, emailed my response today. Good luck bud. If you have anything you'd like to ask about my notes and critique just shoot me an email.
    Stranded in Babylon

  10. #10
    Global Moderator Squalid Glass's Avatar
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    Thank you so much for the time and effort. I really appreciate it!
    "I don't do anything with my life except romanticize and decay with indecision."

    "America I've given you all and now I'm nothing."

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