The Book the FBI Doesn't Want You to Read!


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  1. #1

    The Book the FBI Doesn't Want You to Read!

    Here's an excerpt:





    Toward eight fifteen in the evening Tito went to the kitchen, and flicking on the ceiling lamp with a brash, energetic upward slap of his right hand at the light switch, located on the wall, just outside the kitchen, he ignited a burner. Straightaway he began listening with attention to the irksome noise of a helicopter growing audibly nearer and nearer, which was different, deeper like from a military helicopter, and the longer he listened and recognized keenly the distinct and too familiar noise of aerial surveillance, the more the sound stabbed his ears mightily.

    Sonia had brought a purple coffee-stained mug and, putting it near the sink, turned around. Her eyes which shone with an unfavorable light, promised a joyless conversation.
    “So, when are you planning of getting yourself a job?” she began coldly, her face stiff and stony.
    Her brother’s continuous unemployment status which was the sole reason why she insulted and attacked him, calling him lazy, a bum, a piece of shit with disgust, irritated her immensely, and the longer he was unemployed this feeling of frustration-turned-exasperation, still worsened. In fact, her attacks over his unemployment became one of her pastimes, and she would have never, not even faintly, suspected that Roger Stark who oppressed her unceasingly with the mandatory task of around-the-clock aggressive surveillance, was the same man oppressing her brother financially to the extremity that he had no chance of attaining a job anywhere with Roger Stark’s ceaseless, underhanded assaults.
    “Here we go again!” Tito thought despairingly.
    “You expect mom to support you all your life?” she pursued heatedly and hurriedly with an unpleasant and distorted expression of anger. “What are you going to do when she’s gone?”
    “That’s my problem,” he answered calmly, and with no inclination to argue, he resisted the temptation to fight.
    “You are just a lazy bum. You have to pay your share of the bills.”
    “Why do you care so much?”
    Her eyes flashed maliciously.
    “I talked to the lawyer the other day,” she went on gravely. “He said if you don’t pay your share, we can call the cops and they can drag you out of here. You once said you didn’t mind being homeless.”
    On one hand she paraded to have the character of a good Christian, but on the other, in these moments she seemed to be embodying that same satanic force that possessed Roger Stark through and through.
    “I never said that,” Tito replied wearily. “You are always putting words in my mouth,” he added with an annoyed look.
    He was aware of the risks he ran speaking at length to Sonia; without intention she twisted his words, altered the drift of the conversation’s theme, and, misinterpreting his replies, she would accuse him of an evil intent and make him look suddenly like the villain.
    “Call the cops; I am not afraid,” he challenged her, testing her conviction.
    The hours spent in meditating enabled him to overcome those willful and unprofitable impulses of haste and the need to be right, and to rise to a state of imperturbable composure where his heart now bled sorrowfully for her and others like her, who get trapped in that vicious cycle of emotions, forever hurting, vengeful, restless, and miserable.
    “Not while mom is alive,” Sonia responded surprisingly more calmly with a note of resignation in her voice.
    Tito’s resolute self-possession had begun working like a tonic on her, rubbing off on her, counteracting and allaying the flames of anger and antagonism, comparable to the effect of rain drizzling, smothering, and squashing the advance of a wildfire.
    “Mom, get your son a dress!” she added scornfully, leaving haughtily.





    Last edited by Jorge; July 11th, 2019 at 07:53 PM.

  2. #2
    A good effort.
    You may consider reducing the adjectives tho.

  3. #3
    I like your style and the piece reads well, but the first paragraph was too stylistic for my taste.
    I wasn't sure about the reference to a military helicopter. Is it because of the surveillance or was your MC ex-military?
    Your over use of adverbs gives evidence of telling and not showing.
    I colored in red a few that I think gives the opportunity to change to show.
    audibly, keenly, mightily, coldly, immensely, faintly, unceasingly, financially, despairingly, heatedly, hurriedly, calmly, maliciously, gravely, wearily, suddenly, sorrowfully, surprisingly, scornfully, haughtily.

  4. #4
    Thanks for sharing, Jorge.

    I agree that it might be good to excise a few adverbs here and there. It's not bad to use adverbs from time to time, if you want to depict a specific emotion or attitude, but it's easy to get a little carried away as I can personally relate to. For me personally, more than one adverb in a sentence can feel a tad bit awkward at times.

    For example, your "she added scornfully, leaving haughtily" at the end of the story could be reduced to "she added, leaving haughtily". After all, "scornfully" and "haughtily" are basically the same thing, and you only need to use one of those words to describe the attitude of her departure.

    I thought that the helicopter metaphor was original and imaginative. Do keep writing!

  5. #5
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    It's a mildly interesting slice of a scene, but not compelling enough to read much further. Typically, to my mind an excerpt is like a tease. It gives you a flavor of the world in question and sets up a cliff-hanger or some sort of action that grabs you by the lapels (if you have any) and demands you go and get that damn story and find out what happens next!

    This, doesn't do that for me. You've set me up with a post entitled "The Book the FBI Doesn't Want You To Read" but didn't fulfill that promise. I feel cheated, like I was invited to a steak barbecue and am instead looking at a plate of tofu turkey.

    I was waiting to find out why the FBI doesn't want me to read it, but now I feel like you tricked me and I don't care anymore.


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  6. #6
    I thought you were serious.

  7. #7
    Maybe they should reduce consonants and vowels as well.

    Hell, why not remove those pesky full stops and commas as well?

    Readers will not give a good goddamn how many adjectives you use if the story is amazing.
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  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by Jorge View Post

    Toward eight fifteen in the evening Tito went to the kitchen, and flicking on the ceiling lamp with a brash, energetic upward slap of his right hand at the light switch, located on the wall, just outside the kitchen, he ignited a burner. Straightaway he began listening with attention to the irksome noise of a helicopter growing audibly nearer and nearer, which was different, deeper like from a military helicopter, and the longer he listened and recognized keenly the distinct and too familiar noise of aerial surveillance, the more the sound stabbed his ears mightily.

    I was speaking to the bold portions.

  9. #9
    I thought all in all you have a pretty good interaction between characters here. I can easily imagine the two of them sniping at each other like siblings are prone to do.

    I will agree with others though. It does seem a bit heavy in the adjective/adverb department. Too much description can make a piece "wordy" and has a tendency to bog down the reader.

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