Last Communication

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  1. #1

    Last Communication

    Entangled lives and memories
    bubble in cauldrons of fading thought
    caught in a fearful knowing
    as death glides in for the kill.

    The mind bends back as aching loss
    of everyone and everything
    writes novels rich with images
    of worlds that sink with consciousness.

    Too vast and sad to demonstrate
    the mist of years of memories
    in the dwindle of melting moments
    hovering in the mind.

    The universal choice of words
    become the epitaph for those
    who, granted this one chance to speak,
    can only say, I love you.

    The subtext of that haunting cry,
    Dont let me go, I love this life.
    Hold onto me, it seems so wrong
    for it to end this way.

  2. #2
    I really liked the sense of "up and down" for lack of a better term. You seemed to introduce a poetic ideal in each of your stanzas in the first two lines and then followed through with a descriptive, revealing passage that accentuates and seems to challenge the reader in what was expected and what is written. This continues throughout the poem until you seemingly reach a climax in the dialogue of your subtext in your final stanza. Additionally, your first stanza was strong- enough to fully bring, and welcome, me as a reader into your poem.

    Just mentioning some of the things that I liked about your poem. Good work.
    As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being,"

    -Carl Jung

  3. #3
    Thank you, Daniel. You have understood the emotion behind this poem and picked up on some details that I hadn't noticed myself and, as you say, the final stanza holds the key to all that goes before.

  4. #4
    I am hardly one to offer critique of poetry, but I did enjoy this, if that is the right word within the context. However, to demonstrate my perpetual perversity, while normally I prefer strict rhythm in poetry on this occasion I feel that the rhythm could if anything be a little more relaxed than it is in order to reflect the faltering coherence of the occasion and the wrongness finally expressed. In other words, the poem seems just too right.

    Being a master of pre-emption I have of course considered this subject in the past and had I written on it the final utterance would have been "Was it enough?","that I loved you" being implied, but that twists the situation in a very different direction with different underlying sentiments.

    A poignant subject nicely tackled then, for what my opinion is worth.
    'Sharing an experience creates a reality.' Create a new reality today.
    'There has to be some give and take.' If I can take my time I'm willing to give it.
    'The most difficult criticism that a writer has to comprehend is silence.' So speak up.

  5. #5
    Member Thomas Norman's Avatar
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    Really poignant poem of loss Jen. The words are well chosen and I like the pulse you produce with the enjambment and broken rhythm. The final stanza is powerful and as a summation is quite perfect.

    Only one thing that I felt was a little awkward.

    The mind bends back as aching loss
    of everyone and everything -to me this reads as though "everything" is writing the novels.
    writes novels rich with images
    of worlds that sink with consciousness.

    My suggestion would be to change the "as" of L1 to "with", then change L2 to..

    of everything, and everyone

    Just my thoughts, but perhaps I have misunderstood. T.

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by JustRob View Post
    I am hardly one to offer critique of poetry, but I did enjoy this, if that is the right word within the context. However, to demonstrate my perpetual perversity, while normally I prefer strict rhythm in poetry on this occasion I feel that the rhythm could if anything be a little more relaxed than it is in order to reflect the faltering coherence of the occasion and the wrongness finally expressed. In other words, the poem seems just too right.

    Being a master of pre-emption I have of course considered this subject in the past and had I written on it the final utterance would have been "Was it enough?","that I loved you" being implied, but that twists the situation in a very different direction with different underlying sentiments.

    A poignant subject nicely tackled then, for what my opinion is worth.
    Thanks for reading and for your reply, Rob. That was an interesting take on the rhythm and I can see the sense of your reasoning.

    I've been trying to write this poem for nearly twenty years - ever since I realised that people caught up in life and death situations - like 9-11 and other terrorist attacks - almost always phone home with the same simple message. Then, recently, I discovered that more normal situations where death is imminent are no different, the message is still the same, and that helped me to feel I might be capable of doing such a vast and complex emotional state some sort of justice.

    I think the message you imagine yourself giving is much the same but it does have that JustRob unique little twist, and that is just as it should be.

    Quote Originally Posted by Thomas Norman View Post
    Really poignant poem of loss Jen. The words are well chosen and I like the pulse you produce with the enjambment and broken rhythm. The final stanza is powerful and as a summation is quite perfect.

    Only one thing that I felt was a little awkward.

    The mind bends back as aching loss
    of everyone and everything -to me this reads as though "everything" is writing the novels.
    writes novels rich with images
    of worlds that sink with consciousness.

    My suggestion would be to change the "as" of L1 to "with", then change L2 to..

    of everything, and everyone

    Just my thoughts, but perhaps I have misunderstood. T.
    Hmm, I can see that there are grounds for confusion with the wording of that last stanza, Thomas, so thanks for pointing it out. Your suggestion doesn't quite cover what I was trying to say because I was aiming for the sense that it is the aching loss that is writing the novels of the sinking worlds (memories) as the mind bends back to the past. Maybe I could express it better with a comma, this way ...

    The mind bends back, as aching loss
    of everyone and everything
    writes novels rich with images
    of worlds that sink with consciousness.

    Does that work better?

    Many thanks for your thoughtful critique.

  7. #7
    Member Thomas Norman's Avatar
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    Ah yes, now I understand what you mean. I think if you make the ", as aching loss / of everyone and everything, " a clause -put a comma after "everything" also- that makes it quite clear that the loss provides the incentive to write the novels.

    Well done on finally getting the right mind-set to write this excellent poem. Thank you for sharing it with us. T.

  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by jenthepen View Post
    Entangled lives and memories
    bubble in cauldrons of fading thought
    caught in a fearful knowing
    as death glides in for the kill.

    The mind bends back as aching loss
    of everyone and everything
    writes novels rich with images
    of worlds that sink with consciousness.

    Too vast and sad to demonstrate
    the mist of years of memories
    in the dwindle of melting moments
    hovering in the mind.

    The universal choice of words
    become the epitaph for those
    who, granted this one chance to speak,
    can only say, I love you.

    The subtext of that haunting cry,
    Dont let me go, I love this life.
    Hold onto me, it seems so wrong
    for it to end this way.
    Such a haunting lament... a lifetime of precious memories lost ....we are, after all, the sum of our memories, and we cling fiercely to them... someone I know and love suffers from Dementia, and he told me how he grieves over the loss of his memories.... Thank you for sharing...
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  9. #9
    Thank you, Julia. I'm so sorry about your friend. Dementia is such a horrible condition for anyone to suffer and a living nightmare for everyone who loves them. I can only wish him many more years of finding comfort with his loving friends, like you.

  10. #10
    thanks for the read Jen, stanza three doesn't quite feel as complete as the rest of this poem - perhaps too many uses of the word "of "in the one place?

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