What's in a Nutshell


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  1. #1

    What's in a Nutshell

    What’s in a Nutshell-original

    In a nutshell a tree is hid,
    Pandora’s chest had a lid.
    Winner’s circle of reception,
    is an envious misconception.

    Bruises are life’s weeds.
    Self-doubt is on what they feed.
    Posters herald the upcoming competition.
    Passing the winner’s baton is a tradition.
    Beneath the skin the blight is hid.

    When roots grow deep, they grow strong
    When fed by warm winds, they sing a happy song.
    Revolution doesn’t always spread,
    with the words, “Off with their heads!”
    In the mind's eye a psudo-sight is hid.

    The sprout desires to grow.
    Embryonic prison to be shed.
    In a nutshell a tree is hid.


    What’s a Nutshell-Revision 1

    In a nutshell a tree is hid,
    Salt water fountain surpassed by olive tree.
    Woven laurel crown for her winning bid,
    angered Ocean Lord to an earth shattering degree.

    Bruises are life’s weeds.
    Doubt, envy, and malice; on what they feed.
    Trumpets and fanfare herald another life competition.
    Winner’s sharing the baton is tradition.
    Losers frown and anger, by smile is hid.

    When roots grow deep and strong,
    branches greet warm winds, with dance and a happy song.
    Change never spreads,
    with the words, “Off with their heads!”
    In slumbers embers and fallow fields, greatness is hid.

    The sprout desires to grow,
    A loser desires their prison to be shed.
    In a nutshell a tree is hid.



    Last edited by Pelwrath; June 7th, 2019 at 03:54 PM.
    "Illegitimi non carborundum " Vinegar' Joe Stilwell

    "Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase." Martin Luther King Jr.

    What you learn in life is important, those you help learn, are more important.

    "They can because they think they can."
    ​Virgil

    "Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools will speak to say something." Plato

    "The only difference between reality and fiction is that fiction needs to be credible."
    ​ Mark Twain

    "To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States." George W. Bush



  2. #2
    Such a great delving into nature, filling and imbuing it with majesty and contemplation. Very much liked!

  3. #3
    Bard Daniel,
    Thank you for reading and commenting. This was one of my NAPOWRIMO poems that I made some revisions to based on feedback. I hope I’ve improved on it’s flow, intent, and feel.
    "Illegitimi non carborundum " Vinegar' Joe Stilwell

    "Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase." Martin Luther King Jr.

    What you learn in life is important, those you help learn, are more important.

    "They can because they think they can."
    ​Virgil

    "Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools will speak to say something." Plato

    "The only difference between reality and fiction is that fiction needs to be credible."
    ​ Mark Twain

    "To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States." George W. Bush



  4. #4
    Hi Pel,

    I can see the potential in this poem and you have some great lines such as

    Bruises are life’s weeds.


    Unfortunately, in trying to make the poem rhyme the lines sound forced and the rhythm is off.

    for example

    In a nutshell a tree is hid,
    Pandora’s chest had a lid.

    then

    When roots grow deep, they grow strong
    When fed by warm winds, they sing a happy song.

    roots are not fed by warm winds. Now, I can hear the branches singing a happy song but not roots.
    but that could just be me because I have taken the image you are trying to paint literally

    psudo-sight should be pseudo-sight
    Last edited by PiP; June 4th, 2019 at 08:11 AM. Reason: formatting
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  5. #5
    PiP, I was attempting to use the imagery as an allusion/humanizing aspect . I’ll look at rewriting that line, it’s not as string/direct(?) as I want it to be, so thanks for pointing it out. Your comment is what I was going for.
    "Illegitimi non carborundum " Vinegar' Joe Stilwell

    "Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase." Martin Luther King Jr.

    What you learn in life is important, those you help learn, are more important.

    "They can because they think they can."
    ​Virgil

    "Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools will speak to say something." Plato

    "The only difference between reality and fiction is that fiction needs to be credible."
    ​ Mark Twain

    "To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States." George W. Bush



  6. #6

    Post

    Quote Originally Posted by Pelwrath View Post
    What’s in a Nutshell

    In a nutshell a tree is hid, This line, excellent hook...
    Pandora’s chest had a lid. This line, the rhyme struggles, maybe consider Pandora dared to lift a lid
    Winner’s circle of reception, This line doesn't really mesh well with the prior two lines, make use of your context and connect A to B. e.g. Pandora dared to lift a lid, the prize a cruel deception
    is an envious misconception. A misconception of what? Again, there is no connection to the established context, narrow the focus, and bring the stanza into focus. e.g. the fault of envy's misconception.

    Bruises are life’s weeds. Again, I like the opening line, draws the reader in.
    Self-doubt is on what they feed This line, simple tell, no show. Alternatives, e.g. as on doubt they feed.
    Posters herald the upcoming competition. Here, there is the divergence again, back to the competition and away from the allegory. At this point, you seem to be trying to write two pieces in the one poem and themes are competing with each other. As a reader, it is very distracting. The plants or the competition of life, chose a main idea and follow through because L3, 4 have nothing in common with the plant allegory and fail to support the context of S1 L1,2 and S2 L1,2
    Passing the winner’s baton is a tradition.
    Beneath the skin the blight is hid. L5 supports, L1,2 of S1,2 but has nothing in common with L3,4 of S1,2

    When roots grow deep, they grow strong Maybe consider starting where instead of when, where roots grow deep, weeds grow strong, warm, wet winds their happy song, as an example. The rhyme and rhythm just really feel forced here.
    When fed by warm winds, they sing a happy song.
    Revolution doesn’t always spread, Revolution, unlike weed do not spread, as fallow fields give up their dead...
    with the words, “Off with their heads!”
    In the mind's eye a psudo-sight is hid. This line aside from the typo really struggles, why tell the reader what the message is, consider an altered refrain line with the hid that connects to your plant allegory. e.g. Fallow minds, weeds in a nut shell hid

    The sprout desires to grow.
    Embryonic prison to be shed.
    In a nutshell a tree is hid.
    Pel, I like the allegory of the plant, but it fails to connect cohesively with the winner's circle, competition aspect of the piece. The rhyme struggles, and it is there that the forced aspect of the piece and the second competition allegory is rooted. Consider reworking the lines to support the plant and nutshell context across the board and see if the rhymes don't fall into place.

    - D.


  7. #7
    Darrkin,

    Thank you for the time to provide that excellent critique. Read it several times and will again in the morning. The winners circle is a laurel wreath. The last thing that emerged from Pandora’s Chest was hope, which all who’ve never won have, along with the laurel wreath.

    You’re correct in that I don’t support the stanzas, though now I see that as a function of knowingat movinwhere I wanted to go and how that movie played. That happens with every poem I write, I see the movie as I write/think about it, the music as well, for this it was Enya.

    I do need to make some major changes.
    "Illegitimi non carborundum " Vinegar' Joe Stilwell

    "Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase." Martin Luther King Jr.

    What you learn in life is important, those you help learn, are more important.

    "They can because they think they can."
    ​Virgil

    "Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools will speak to say something." Plato

    "The only difference between reality and fiction is that fiction needs to be credible."
    ​ Mark Twain

    "To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States." George W. Bush



  8. #8
    Pel, there is not enough context for the reader to draw the association of the laurel wreath, let alone the tree...but if Greco-Roman mythologies containing trees are the unified theme, why not bring the competition between Athena and Poseidon into play, the citizens' choice between the horse and the olive tree? There is a stronger correlation with the plant allegory and competition, with a mythos theme established, bring Pandora's hope in as second stanza, perhaps...just like in any other form of writing, establish baseline main ideas, then support them. By using an established tale that highlights both main ideas (in this case plant allegories and competition), this clarifies the ideology for the reader. Open on a thesis statement stanza and build from there. Also, if you are looking to play more into the title, Zeus's symbol is the oak tree, literally a tree within a nutshell.

    - D.


  9. #9
    Darrkin, that's not a bad idea! I was concentrating on the result, the end game, not the competing forces.
    "Illegitimi non carborundum " Vinegar' Joe Stilwell

    "Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase." Martin Luther King Jr.

    What you learn in life is important, those you help learn, are more important.

    "They can because they think they can."
    ​Virgil

    "Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools will speak to say something." Plato

    "The only difference between reality and fiction is that fiction needs to be credible."
    ​ Mark Twain

    "To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States." George W. Bush



  10. #10
    I love Darkkin's thoughts on this, and I agree -a theme will bring this into better focus for the reader - and the work you've done here deserves it, there are some lovely lines here.

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