Maybe death means there is nothing left to say...


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Thread: Maybe death means there is nothing left to say...

  1. #1

    Maybe death means there is nothing left to say...

    Walking through granite gardens
    following a well worn path of unrelenting regrets
    my feet stop beside your silent stone

    I will stay with you for awhile
    even though
    I have nothing left to say

    I have said it all countless times
    I have screamed
    prayed and promised
    and finally I whispered

    But you will not answer

    You refuse to comfort me from there
    or speak words of wisdom
    or forgive me

    The stillness!
    It is as deep as your grave
    as final as your tombstone
    and as resolute as the face of God

    It is the finality that takes my breath away
    mutes my voice
    blinds my eyes to tomorrow's fragile promise

    Now
    there is nothing left to say
    I will remain silent
    swallow my sorrow
    and what might have been

    Maybe then
    in my silence
    in this eternal stillness

    I will finally hear your voice...
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  2. #2
    A plight cast in glass that looks back at the reader in full.

    Nicely done Julia!

  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by Bard_Daniel View Post
    A plight cast in glass that looks back at the reader in full.

    Nicely done Julia!
    "A plight cast in glass"... as a glass blower, I love this... glass has a way of magnifying things ... making them appear larger than they really are... Thank you for reading and commenting...
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  4. #4
    I think delete "of unrelenting regrets." Sometimes the less said the better. Also, with the third stanza don't think you need the second. Just some suggestions, hope they help tighten the poem and make it stronger.
    In any case good job as usual.
    "Self-righteousness never straddles the political fence."

    Midnightpoet


    "The bible says to love your neighbor. It's obvious that over the centuries it has been interpreted as the opposite."
    (sarcasm alert)

    Midnightpoet


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  5. #5
    I like this piece, it's so confessional.

  6. #6
    enjoyed this piece., wondered if you took out the references to the other person,
    let the fact this is all happening in a cemetery beside a grave fill us in. Just a thought.

  7. #7
    Member Thomas Norman's Avatar
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    A very fine write, evocative and heartfelt. I like the mood of it.

    I have a couple of suggestions, ignore them if you don't like.

    S 1 and 2 are perfect. Perhaps drop the final 3 lines of S 3 and move the single line starting "But..." up to as 3s first line.
    I think you could drop S 6, it has more or less been said and feels to me like rubbing it in.
    Replace "swallow my sorrow / and" with 'to wonder'.
    I also wonder if you really need "in my silence / in this eternal stillness" I can see why it's there but I think it's a given.
    I think "Maybe then / I will finally hear your voice." is a much stronger ending. and drop the extra ellipses, they drag the end out.

    It's a great poem and deserves to be as perfect as you can make it. ...T.

  8. #8
    Julia, this is outstanding. The words so powerful I am reminded there were so many things left unsaid when my Mother passed.


    Now
    there is nothing left to say
    I will remain silent
    swallow my sorrow
    and what might have been

    You have captured the essence of loss and acceptance.







  9. #9
    Thanks to everyone who read this poem, it is greatly appreciated. Thank you to all who was kind enough to leave a critique or comment, each critique gave me much needed insight to how my poem was received and what worked and what did not... without your critique, I cannot grow as a writer, and that would be such a waste of my time... to those of you who understood where this poem came from, and why I wrote it... thank you so much for your understanding...because, after all, when it is all said and done... it is ALWAYS about the message, isn't it....
    She lost herself in the trees,
    among the ever-changing leaves.
    She wept beneath the wild sky
    as stars told stories of ancient times.
    The flowers grew toward her light,
    the river called her name at night.
    She could not live an ordinary life,
    with the mysteries of the universe
    hidden in her eyes....
    Author: Christy Ann Martine

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
    love leaves a memory no one can steal....
    Author unknown.

  10. #10
    I’m late and maybe short as well.
    I like what I see as an argumentative title. Why? What do we say at a graveside or wake? Things we didn’t, couldn’t or wouldn’t say when they were alive.

    I also see how this could apply to the departed or those who are alive.

    In S8 You don’t need Now as the first line. I almost read that as ‘watch me’. then again, you might have meant it that way.

    A really good poem.
    "Illegitimi non carborundum " Vinegar' Joe Stilwell

    "Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase." Martin Luther King Jr.

    What you learn in life is important, those you help learn, are more important.

    "They can because they think they can."
    ​Virgil

    "Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools will speak to say something." Plato

    "The only difference between reality and fiction is that fiction needs to be credible."
    ​ Mark Twain

    "To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States." George W. Bush



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